Absolutely exhausted

[PurpleCloud]

Hi All, I’ve been wanting to write on here more but I’ve just been absolutely exhausted by everything, and by everything, I mean him. With the current climate and COVID-19, I haven’t been able to see my family. I talk with them every single day, but we live quite a distance. As some will know from my previous threads, I moved away with him. It’s difficult to talk on the phone with my parents and siblings because he makes stupid noises, is distracting, or starts an argument just before. Does anybody else experience this, it drives me crazy and before a phone call I have to sit him down and ask nicely for him to allow me to speak to my parents peacefully. That sounds crazy, but it’s the reality. Each and every time he says I don’t have to have that conversation with him as I can “speak with my family whenever I want”, and each and every time he upsets me. T(detail removed by Moderator) has been the worst weekend of my entire life. Like, I do not know how I have managed to be okay (detail removed by Moderator). It was (detail removed by Moderator) bbq. Social distancing with his family. We did the garden before they arrived. You know, I love gardening. I thought; yeah, this might be nice. I convinced myself he has no reason to be mad with me so it will be fine. I felt kinda relaxed, still on edge, but kinda relaxed. Anyway, I was going too slow, I wasn’t working hard enough (he knows I’ve had a tough week at work) oh, and my facial expression wasn’t how he wanted. You know, I’m really smiley, naturally, never smiley, and so that was not the case. Long story short, he smashed my phone up with one smash to the ground. I left it on (detail removed by Moderator), I knew if it was within reach if I did something or if he got upset over something he would go for that first but again, I convinced myself it would be fine. I normally carry my phone for this reason as it’s been (detail removed by Moderator)two or three phones now. I was wrong. He did it. He watched me cry my absolute eyes out because he knows that is the only thing I have right now to talk with my family as I can’t see them because of Covid. He watched me cry, but you know what he said “(detail removed by Moderator)”. I stayed calm, I always do. I cried mowing the grass. I managed to find an old phone upstairs and you know, it works I’m using it now, but the screens smashed on this too as this is another one he broke. I went upstairs and I ripped his birthday card up, alone, because I do not mean what I said in the card. How can I love a man that does this? I didn’t do it to hurt him, because he still does not know the card is ripped, I did it because that was my only release as silly as that sounds. Ripping that card up to show myself that he does not deserve those kind and loving words. My parents called me later that day and I couldn’t hide how sad I was. I said I was said because I dropped my phone and It’s broken, it’s insured so they kept reassuring me I can get a new one no problem but they know I know that, they knew it was more. They asked if I dropped it and if I was sure. I said I’m sure and they put my sadness down to missing them. That’s true, I miss them insane amounts. But I was crying because he did it again. He. Did. It. Again, and I allowed it to happen. You know, for the first time this weekend I cut my arm. Not badly, I just hurt myself because I can’t take any of this anymore. It’s beyond bad, and I have never in my entire life been this sad. I don’t know how I ever got here, and I’m struggling to see how I will ever get out. Thank you so much for reading and I’m really sorry it’s long . Love Purple Cloud

[KIP.]

How awful for you. I used to love a life very much like yours. Abusers can’t stand us happy and will destroy anything we gain enjoyment from. That in turn increases the likelihood of depression, which makes us feel hopeless and prevents us from seeing an exit. You need to build a support network round you and you need to speak up. Speak to your GP, your parents, any close friends. Open up and let them know what’s happening because you’re unable to make decisions. You’re trapped by abuse. Abusers isolate us and that’s what he’s trying to do with your family by breaking your phone. He can’t stand the thought that you might just have a loving supportive family who will help you see just how horrific and dysfunctional your relationship is. Contact your local women’s aid too. You might also wish to talk to the domestic abuse police and let them know of your fears. He’s already broken the law by damaging your property. Keep a secret journal and photograph and injuries or damage. I remember those feelings of total despair and they come from his abuse x

[KIP.]

The exhaustion comes from dealing with the mental trauma and anxiety. It’s debilitating and damaging to our health. Another reason to work out a safe exit plan x

[Cecile]

The first priority of these men is to stop us doing what we want, no matter how trivial or how hugely vital. He is isolating you very effectively, preventing you from doing what you want to do minute by minute, constraining your movements within the home. I think the phone smashing also indicates a very high risk to you. It’s sounds not just extremely violent but also premeditated, planned. You are also having to muffle and deny your feelings and are having your mind messed with. From what you say he is presenting classical abuser behaviours, stone walling you, manipulating, using coercion and violence. I bet there is loads more.
It is so terrible for you to be cooped up, and so many million times worse to be cooped up with this abuser. As Kip said you need to establish support, tell your parents. You cannot protect yourself from this man he is in complete control and as do now want to scare you but the lack of empathy and destructive behaviours are indicative of a situation way beyond your control. Tell your parents, go, anyone you can think of then make a plan to leave and get away from him as soon as possible. Life does not have to be this horrific and you will be amazed when you are free at just how good it is, how bad it was.

[iliketea]

Sending you a big hug, really, take it, **** Covid, you need it. That is horrendous, he’s a complete power tripper. I guess you know it is abuse. Do you want to leave? This is not your fault, you really need to know and hear that. Can you open up to your parents, as it sounds like you are close, I am sure they will be there for you. Please. You are lucky to have them, that is what family is for, they will probably tell you to pack a bag and get right over to them. If you do, DON’T TELL HIM. You probably know that too. He cannot know. He sounds volatile. Please consider this. I agree with the above. Not wanting to scare you but it sounds like he’s unpredictable. Keep posting and asking and checking in. Sending you strength. For now, smile, don’t argue with him, don’t question him, just play nice, whilst you decide what to do, for you. The IDVA told me to do that and although it feels the opposite of what we should do it is a good way to buy time, and stay safe. x*x

[iliketea]

Oh and I forgot to say, the card, I’ve done that soooo many times, today it was his father’s day present, right back to Amazon that is going….

[Wants To Help]

Hi PurpleCloud,

I have just read your post and it has really rung alarm bells with me. I worry what will happen to you later tonight when he realises you have ripped up his birthday card. I’m afraid for you that this will be a trigger for him to become quite violent to you. He has already isolated you and now he believes he has smashed your phone and your lifeline to getting help.

How many times has he assaulted you before and how? How bad have your injuries been? Has he left marks or hurt you without leaving any?

Your situation has clearly escalated if you are self harming in order to cope with the situation. You have not mentioned any children in your post, are there any?

If things escalate again tonight, please call the Police for some help. They can arrest him for the damage he has caused to your phone today and take him away tonight. There is a way out of this but you will need to make that first step to start the ball rolling. None of us on here can take that step for you, we can only advise, support and guide you along the way.

[PurpleCloud]

Thank you so much for all of your responses so far, they all mean so much. Just to reassure everybody, I don’t have any children. And no way am I ever, ever bribing a child into this situation. My head may not be all there at present with this situation but I’d never ever allow him to hurt anybody else, he’s done enough with me. KIP, thank you for replying, Cecile thanks, I like tea thanks and wants to help. This is so silly but I’m going to ask anyway, should I be really worried this time? He’s done that much historically and this weekend that I don’t even know what is too far. My whole career is about risk assessments and I just can’t do it with him, I don’t know what’s what anymore. He’s said sorry throughout the evening but he’s also been getting mad again. He just got mad because I said I wanted to let our cat out because he likes going out at night and now he’s calling me stupid, saying he could get run over and it’s not safe out there. He’s fallen out with his dad tonight too which rarely happens and so he’s taking it out on me. I honestly don’t really know what to do. I’ve never called the police on him/ anyone before. I’m worried if I do that they won’t do anything and then I’m with him all night to experience whatever he will say or do to me. Any advice I will welcome. I have work tomorrow and I just want to relax and sleep but I know I won’t get that. I ha free a friend who I’m going to be texting tonight to explain what’s happened because I haven’t told anyone about this weekend and I feel I need that release. I’m so thankful for all of you, I don’t know what I would do without this group and you all

[iliketea]

Yes sorry I missed the bit where you said you had hurt yourself. WTH has good advice, please do listen to her. Could you go anywhere else, I know not easy in lockdown. I doubt very much they would release him back to your house if you tell them everything. x

[Cecile]

If you carry out risk assessments for a living then you know as well as I do that self harm is a way to release and ventilate and feel something. You cannot see your self and he has made you desensitised to the risks to you. He is harming you immensely, psychologically. I used to do do risk assessments for a living but could not see the risks I was also living in. It’s like I inhabited two worlds. The abuse, the coercion has made it impossible for you to feel the need to flee. It happens to us all, on here. It’s a human response. You become numb, depersonalised. Imagine him doing the phone smashing to some one you love, another woman, like a young sister, your mother, your best friend if you still have one and are not completely isolated. If you can imagine this, the horror you feel is what you should be feeling for yourself. Have you read “why does he do this” it’s a great book.

[Cecile]

Purple cloud you seem to be in a heightened state of anxiety as well. Worrying about what will happen if you tell the police or your parents, for example.
Imagine a mouse cornered by a lion. If it moves any way it might get hurt but knows the danger is getting worse as the lion closes in. If you go to the police they can have you speak to a domestic violence officer. Make a statement. I was afraid to for years but when I did it was like having my chains unlocked. I still treasure this memory, pathetic thing to say, but it gave me so much strength and their advice was great. Go to the doctor about the anxiety and tell her (hopefully it’s a she) about the abuse, get it on your files. He sound like a slimY piece of work and by getting it all recorded with professionals you are setting up your safety.Sadly there is rarely one answer to solve the problems these b****s cause but you can build your castle piece by piece. As someone once said, to take the first step you don’t have to see the whole staircase.

[Wants To Help]

Purplecloud,

My concern is for your safety tonight, to me there are risks that are escalating now. Your abuser is riled by several things that have happened today on a ‘special event’ day for him. Abusers only care about themselves, and today was a celebration (detail removed by Moderator). If this has not gone to plan for him he is going to continue to blame you. As things get more and more out of control for him, he will blame you. Today he has fallen out with his Dad for the first time – on Father’s Day, so this a new thing for him to deal with, and he will blame you. If he has drunk alcohol today, this is another trigger. He is volatile, he is unpredictable. If you feel more scared tonight and things continue to escalate tonight you really need professional intervention to reduce the risk.

The Police are well aware that domestic abuse incidents have a bigger history. Statistics report that a woman will suffer around 35 incidents of abuse before she first calls the Police. A first call for help is just as important as any other call for help. The police will have to arrest him for the damage that has been caused to your phone today – as long as you tell them that is! It is an offence for which he can be arrested and they will arrest tonight to protect a vulnerable person (that’s you) from further harm. They will then do a risk assessment with you. From what you have told me there is a concerning history. You need to tell them everything and they can take actions to protect you. I know it’s a huge step to take, it’s an incredibly brave step to take, but if you are in fear please do not hesitate to ring 999. From what you have described so far I do think you are at risk from this man overnight.

If another option is for you to go and stay with your friend tonight then take that, but do not remain in the house with him overnight.

[Chestnut]

This sounds really awful, he sounds a totally abusive bully. If you go to work would you have a chance to call anyone while he is not around? It sounds like you might have a close relationship with your family, it also sounds like they have an inkling something is not right. I know you would need to look in to leaving safely but do you think you will tell your family? Or anyone at work you would trust even if it is to let some of this out without self harming. When I finally opened up there were a lot of offers of people who wanted to just come and get me so I was safe, I know not everyone has this but maybe you would. I know you need to want to leave too, but please consider letting them know what is happening. If you are starting to self harm you really need to start protecting yourself, this is not sounding good. The good thing is you have opened up on here and it sounds like you are looking at options. You deserve so much more than the way he is treating you. I totally get the ripping the card up but I am hoping you are safe as he sounds very cruel. X

[PurpleCloud]

Thank you for all of your responses I really appreciate it. My colleague, whom I’ve also grown very close with and can call a friend, (detail removed by moderator) everyday and so I told her (she’s already told me about her very long domestic violence relationship) and she left him a long time ago and so she could relate. What hurt me the most was she has told me about the relationship for a long time now. She’s strong. Very strong. It was a long time ago and so she is able to talk things through, struggles still, but has moved on and lives a successful and happy life, that makes me happy. When I told her what had been going on, she was shocked, but she understood why I had not told her. When she tells me about her past, I’m a listener, and so I didn’t tell her about my situation. I broke down in her car and cried the whole way to work and explained everything. She said her knees were like jelly and tried to tell me we could take the day off and talk more but I said no and she respected that. We check in with each other how. I feel like I have this additional stress now though of her worrying, and that fills me with guilt thinking, I’m not worth the worry, maybe it’s not as bad as I think and the dreaded feeling, but what if she gets so worried she tells? But part of me is glad she knows so that if something really bad does happen or I don’t reply, she can send help. That’s absolutely soul destroying that it’s come to this. You know after I posted this, the next day he talked me round.. again. I accepted his apology. I mean, he told me I deserved it and I “need to understand why he did it” “because I don’t listen and the only way I listen is with fists and breaking things” and because “I make him so mad, but he loves me and that’s what matters” “we’ve been through so much together and we can’t stop now”. You know, I just felt sad but have become kinda immune to this situation. But tonight, tonight it got bad again. We had been shopping and had dinner at home, even cuddled in the (detail removed by moderator). He came inside to put the remainder of the things away (I washed up the food, put most things away, and did everything he asked throughout the evening in terms of passing him soft drinks). He was putting things aware and the (detail removed by moderator) was leaking and he tried to put it in my new basket. I explained that and said get another box to put that in. Out of nowhere, and I promise you this was out of nowhere, he threw threw the (detail removed by moderator) at me lightly, and then the (detail removed by moderator), and then something else and something else and it got harder and harder and then I don’t want to be graphic on here but he beat me quite badly. I tried to run out of the room and he grabbed me to the floor. It went on for a few minutes and I’m hurting both physically and my heart hurts at the moment. I lay in the garden after this and just stared at the sky for ages with my little cat and he followed me outside after he had (detail removed by moderator). He said I deserved it. That he has work tomorrow and I’ve ruined the evening and now he won’t sleep because of what I made him do. I went back inside and didn’t say anything. He’s sleeping in the other room tonight, I hope he stays there. I’ve ordered some boxes online to my house just now and I don’t know if I will follow through with it but what I do know is I’m one step closer because I’ve never got that far as to thinking and then doing something about leaving. Any kind messages would be appreciated for me to read before I sleep. Thanks so much for reading. Purple Cloud x

[Soulsearcher18]

Purple Cloud
You are a beautiful person, all through this, you are so kind and gentle. I am so sorry this has happened to you.
The first post you wrote, I just wanted to tell you to just please go home to your parents.
I’m not sure if that is the right thing to say or anything but that was my gut feeling when I read your post. That you need to go home and be surrounded by love.

I know you want to sleep and I know you are tired but I am really worried about you. I think that you should call the police. If it is dangerous to talk, you can use the silent solution and I have put a link about that below. I know this is not what you want to hear right now but I’m worried about you and I think that you need urgent help and to get out.

https://www.policeconduct.gov.uk/sites/default/files/Documents/research-learning/Silent_solution_guide.pdf

I’m sorry, I know that you just want some kind words before going to sleep but I just can’t ignore the danger PurpleCloud, if you were my daughter and I knew this about you, I’d be coming to get you darling- no questions, no hesitations.

I’m thinking of you, I’m willing you on to get help and I’m sending you much love.

Soulsearcher18

[iliketea]

@purplecloud if he’s at work tomorrow how about packing a bag and going to your parents? Take your cat. This man is a monster. Please. Lying in the garden looking at the night sky, after, please, you deserve so much more than what has happened this evening. If it’s not you, he might go on to kill another woman one day. I know harsh but please. You seem so nice and kind and thoughtful, turn that spotlight onto you. It’s your time. Sending a big virtual hug. X*x

[PurpleCloud]

SoulSearcher18, your response has really made me cry (but in a good way), you know, I just looked back on my old posts and I can’t believe how long I’ve been posting and i didn’t start posting for many years after because I didn’t know this place existed. I can’t believe how supportive you all are and how you’ve/ you are supporting me throughout this. I like tea, you’re comments also always make me feel that bit stronger and that “I’ve got this”. It’s actually amazing. I’m touched with tears. I want to be able to post on here again telling you all I’ve left, and I’m happy, and I want to make myself proud and all of you, I don’t want this to all end sadly and I’m really strong and always get through everything, and so I know I can do this too. I have work tomorrow, i‘m thinking of going to my parents on the weekend and booking a couple of days off next week too. It’s been so long since I’ve seen my parents and I honestly cannot describe how much my heart Is hurting. I never ever knew pain like this existed and I know others have it much much worse at times, I understand that, and I just wish nobody ever had to feel the way I am feeling now because it’s soul destroying to even think. I’m not an angel and I do know I make him mad sometimes, but what I can honestly say hand on heart is that throughout this whole situation all I have ever done is try to be kind to him, and to protect others from feeling my sadness too because I’m sad, but it would hurt me more knowing the ones I love are feeling the sadness with me. Sometimes it’s easier to create the happy image, and for everyone that I left behind when I moved to feel happy knowing that I am happy. It’s a hard situation. Purple Cloud.

[Soulsearcher18]

I have been there PurpleCloud, I worked right up to getting out.
A very reasonable suggestion, from an outsider looking in- You could head straight to your parents tomorrow without delay (if it is safe to)- after what you have experienced, no-one would expect you to go to work.

I remember the day I left, I landed ‘home’- of sorts.
I was in shock but I was just scooped up and and I was surrounded by love.
It was overwhelming but I knew right then, this is what I had been missing. I’ve never looked back.
I am reconnected and those bonds are so strong that they will always outweigh the toxicity of what I left.
This is not your fault, or your burden to carry.
Your friends and family will want to know, they will want to help- it is their role and you would do the same for them in a heartbeat.
I think that your heart is aching because you know love and it is calling you home.
I hope that you leave as soon as you can, work and other things can be sorted and aren’t a priority in this situation- they can be dealt with from the other side where you will be safe.

You are a warrior PurpleCloud I know that already, without a doubt- not even a question from you that you are going to work tomorrow bless you- ’cause that’s what we do- we keep going. We carry on.
Except this time, I’m going to keep everything crossed that tomorrow’s the day, that the yearning for home just wins out and you break free the first opportunity you can. That you follow that calling and you don’t look back, you just keep going until you get there safe.

I’ll check in tomorrow, see how you’re doing.

Take care

Soulsearcher18

[Soulsearcher18]

Just popped on here to check in with you PurpleCloud, see how you are doing today?
I’ll check in again later on this evening.
Take care

Soulsearcher

[PurpleCloud]

Soul searcher 18: I’m so happy you left. That inspires me so much. You’re so very strong. I went to work today, and I was really tired but I made it through the day! Me and my partner didn’t have contact throughout the day and so I thought he was giving me space, but on the way home I was in the car with my friend and he text me telling me he knows I’ve turned my phone off/ blocked him because my phone won’t call out. My phone wouldn’t call out because we were stuck in traffic with hardly any signal. I called him up to explain, just so that I knew when we got home there wouldn’t be an argument. He was on speaker because my phone (broken old one) barely works which he’s forgetting is because of him. On speaker my friend said hi and explained the traffic (she was worried he would be mad with me) but he hung up as soon as he heard her talking. I’m just so sleepy again. The good news is.. I text my brother this morning and said hey, he’s my big bro and my favourite person in the world. He asked how things were and I said not great actually and told him my partner had broken my phone. He said he was just waiting for me to message and he’s been thinking of the situation everyday since lockdown. He told me to sort my driving licence out (I rely on public transport at the moment) and told me to continue to save. He knows I’m not mentally ready to leave yet, but he also knows how strong I am and that I can and will keep myself safe. Thank you so much for checking on me, I can’t describe how thoughtful you are/ have made me feel. PurpleCloud

[Camel]

Hi Purplecloud,

I really hope you’re in a safe place right now. It sounds like your family have a good idea about what is going on. So, please, tell them that you need their help and rely on them to get you out of this. You don’t need to go into details until (or if) you’re ready. But please stop protecting this man by staying quiet and making excuses. Please also stop thinking of yourself as a burden to your family and work colleague. They are scared for you and need you to let them help you. I hope to god you’ve already left. x

[Soulsearcher18]

Hi there
Yes, I am here at late o’clock again. It is the only time I get just now.
It’s good to hear from you.
I am glad that you have reached out today and that you have a big bro’ to look out for you too.
Steadily that network of support is increasing for you. It’s been there all along and it will be ready for you as soon as you are.
I kind of don’t want to ask you this just now because I know you must be so tired so maybe I will just ask and you can come back to us when you can but I am wondering why it is that you don’t feel mentally ready to leave? I know that there are so many possibilities as to why, I just wondered what they were and if we can help with that or anything.
Anyway, I’ll leave that there for a little while.
In the meantime, take care- just keep posting when you can and when you need to.

Soulsearcher

[iliketea]

@purplecloud checking in. How are you? How was the rest of the weekend? Sending you strength for the next steps. Xx

[Author]

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