Abuse after leaving

[tavarish]

Hello,
I feel that this situation is never going to end, even though, I have already left him. We recently divorced in (detail removed by Moderator) and before that, I have been asking for the belongings I have left, he initially agreed to send the ones that were there, and then before the divorce, I asked my lawyer to request them again, and I found out through his father that he has thrown it away. I am shocked and this is so disrespectful; during our relationship, I stand emotional and physical abuse, and somehow until now he has managed to still hurt me. I have hired another lawyer to ask for compensation because I am exhausted from this kind of behavior. I decided not to have a nasty divorce procedure and report his unreasonable behavior to me because I wanted to be divorced and end this as soon as possible, also I stopped a police report regarding his abuse because I am scared of the process, I am still taking courage to do it…It is even hard for me to go through this compensation process, I couldn’t bear to imagine a police report on abuse.
He hasn’t answered my lawyer about my compensation claim, I wanted to mediate and we agree on something, so now we will go to court if he still shows the same attitude. I feel exhausted and my body hurts, but I also feel that it is my right to defend myself and maybe now, things should start changing and I have to show that I am not ok how I was treated. It is not about my things, not for the material costs, but for the lack of respect and abusive behavior that he and his family continue to show. I just want this to end.

[Hazydayz]

I hope you soon find your end to all their misery giving. Sadly, I think your ex and his family are a problem to you, and by the sounds of it…aim to be, for as long as they can be? I have similar experience with this type! Good luck to you 💞

[tavarish]

Thank you! I believe they do have a problem with me, maybe because I left their son and his abuses, was I supposed to stand all of it? Who knows? Thanks a lot. I hope this will be over soon.

[Walkingonsunshine]

I feel the same!! I’m never going to be free 😔 he’s still trying to control me, my job and calling the shots where the children are concerned, even though he shown very little interest in them growing up.

Mine also did the same. He Packed up some of my belongings whilst I was on holiday with the children, he didn’t throw anything as far as I’m aware (Although it wouldn’t surprise me if he did) he threatened to bin it if I didn’t get my stuff out of the house, also threatened to cut up my clothes! We haven’t even finalised details of who’s living where yet!

I too opted for the civil version of divorce to keep things amicable for the children and I don’t want any more agro from him, but I realise now I’m going to get it if I’m amicable or not

[tavarish]

I am so sorry to hear that you went through all that. You are strong and I am sure things will get better for both of us. It is shocking that someone that we married has little respect for our things and dares to threaten us with that, besides all the abuse that we stand. That is why I am doing the court claim, it was ok for me to do the amicable divorce because I wanted him out of my life, but not this. I will get this complaint until the end until I get what they have taken away from me, it is not the money or the things but the lack of respect they had. I wish you good luck and send you a big hug. We are strong.

[Camel]

Hello Tavarish

You sound so hurt and beaten-down that I wonder if it’s wise to pursue the compensation claim. It’s keeping you tied to your abusers when you could be getting far away. Even if you win money, you won’t win their respect, regret or shame.

Are you doing this because you didn’t get to punish him for the abuse? Wanting an easy divorce is understandable. Not reporting abuse is very common. I expect it’s also common to regret that he ‘got away with it.’

But you’ve GOT AWAY! You could be looking forward instead of looking back. It’s likely that you’re still emotionally enmeshed – trauma bonded. I do hope you manage to leave these dangerous people in the past.

[Wiseafter]

Hey Tavarish. I really feel for you because you have been reasonable and offered compromise and it feels so unfair to be losing out to him when he has done the opposite and shown you, and your belongings, such little respect. I am not trying to tell you what to do but do feel that as long as you are there to battle with, his control and abuse will continue. Please be mindful that you are dealing with an individual who has no sense of compromise or being reasonable or what is fair. None. Have you read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why does he do that? Have you sought any guidance from domestic abuse legal specialists such as FLOWS or Rights of Women, not just a regular solicitor? It is not weakness to walk away with huge losses, it is sometimes simply the safest and most sensible thing to do in an abusive situation. Please after yourself first and foremost.

[Wiseafter]

*look after yourself, first and foremost.

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