Abuse and pregnant

[Needhelptoleave1]

Hello

I was wondering if someone could give me some advice from an outsiders point of view, long story cut short met this man (detail removed by moderator), was lovely at the start never felt like this with anyone I love him so much. From maybe (detail removed by moderator) time it started getting absuive. More emotionally than Psysical. Hes smashed my car up a few times, hit me in front of my daughter (not his) , slapped me in the face for my nose to bleed and lip cut , the list could go on. Also cheated on me and denies it till this day (the girl sent me a lot of evidence and he said it’s all made up fake whatssap convos etc’ til now it’s got a lot worse he constantly accuses me of cheating on him that bad it’s making me ill and depressed. I wouldn’t cheat on anyone especially not him due to what he’s like. Now the bad side to this is I’m currently pregnant with he’s child (detail removed by moderator) I honestly don’t know what to do about it. I would love another child but I know he wouldn’t stick around. (detail removed by moderator)  he messaged me saying get a abortion if you don’t want to be a single mum. And the baby isn’t his! But when we are okay he’s fine and is sending me pics of baby outfits etc! It’s f*****g my head up if I’m honest and I need some serious help in what to do. I have a termination booked for end of the week as it’s a long waiting list just incase. I can cancel if need be but just wanted it there for some options. I can’t financally have another child on my own. He doesn’t work I pay for all the bills (he doesn’t live with me yet he stays at mine most of the time) I don’t know if I could cope with the emotions of having a termination I feel like this might be my only time I could have a child again as I’m going to be so messed up with new guys later on in life. I feel like I’m taking away a sibling from my daughter.

He hasn’t put he’s hands on me since becoming pregnant it’s more emotional abuse now

Someone please help me

[lover of no contact]

Hi and welcome,

You’ve come to the right place. I’d also ring Women’s Aid; they will have dealt with cases like yours and point u in the right direction for support in keeping your baby. (detail removed by moderator). You want shot of this violent, abusive man ASAP and I would (detail removed by moderator) keep your new baby safe from him.

Keep posting. Other ladies on here will give suggestions also

[Needhelptoleave1]

Hi thanks for the reply ,

I don’t know what to do in the sense of having this baby. I cannot do it alone I’m not well mentally (from him being like this)
I wouldn’t be able to financially cope either I live In private rent not council so the government wouldn’t help me either I struggle to pay half the rent every month let alone the full rent AND another child expenses

I’m ready to move on from him but this pregnancy is making it worse if I’m honest

[KIP.]

Have you spoken to your GP about all this? What he’s doing is illegal, have you involved the police? You can speak to a domestic abuse officer on 101. Regarding the pregnancy, having a child with this man will tie you to him for at least the next 16 years. He will be in and out of your life abusing you and the child. No one can tell you what to do but before you make a decision it’s important you speak to a professional. Start with your GP and definitely ring the helpline on here to find your local women’s aid. Abuse very often escalates during pregnancy when the abuser sees that we are vulnerable then once the child comes along we are vulnerable and trapped. It’s a very dangerous time for you. Do you have support from friends and family? Talk about your feelings with your GP, discuss your options. Abusing you in front of your child is actually child abuse. So you’re risking your own child too. No amount of loving him will stop him abusing you. In fact he sees your love as a weakness and will exploit it. Keep posting and getting your thoughts out. I know what my decision would be but I’m not in your shoes. Stay safe. If you do go through with the pregnancy (detail removed by moderator). Also, start keeping a journal of his behaviour. This will help with keeping him away from the child when and if the time comes x

[Needhelptoleave1]

Thankyou in replying ,

I have no support I don’t have any proper friends the ones I do have aren’t ones who would give a s**t anyway they are more like going out type of friends. My mum is a huge support usually but don’t want to teller about this situation as I don’t want her to stress. I’ve tried ringing up everyone from women’s aid to any domestic helpline I can find but to be honest It’s dtill not helping me decide on this baby. I have phoned up the housing they said I wouldn’t even be entitled to going on the housing list as I haven’t been in the area for 7 years (detail removed by moderator) they would offer a refuge but I said I wouldn’t want that as I do feel safe in my house and my girl starts school in stepember I don’t want to bring her into all that I want her to be in a proper house to come back to everyday after school

What’s most messing my head up is I went for a private scan to find out the gender I don’t know why I did this I regret it now. They said (its most likely) girl and I’ve always wanted another girl I grew up as a only child I would love for my daughter to have a sibling. I’m (age removed by moderator) years old I feel like I don’t have time left i would have to start from scratch again in finding someone settling down being with them for a while to consider children with them all of that takes time that maybe could never happen again possibly

X

[KIP.]

How about doing a pros and cons list. See how that looks when you’re done. You’re still young enough to have a family with a loving caring man. My worry is once you have a child to a violent abuser, he’s going to have a hook in the rest of your lives. You’re also not thinking straight because of trauma. Have you received any counselling? My gut reaction would be to have a termination at an early stage but also to cut this man out of your life. Whatever your choice is he will change the goal posts and use this against you. Having a man like this in your life will also bring trauma to your own daughter. Just because you may not have enjoyed being an only child doesn’t mean your daughter will feel the same. My best friend is an only child and we were like sisters growing up and still are very close. Keep putting your thoughts out there. Let us know how the pros and cons list goes x

[KIP.]

Something else to consider is why you became pregnant. In no way is it s criticism and I don’t expect you to share but look at the reasons if you weren’t trying to get pregnant that adequate protection was not used. And I’m not saying this was the case. Was there pressure from him? Was it a joint decision to become pregnant. Was it something you planned or thought about. What was your first thought when you discovered you were pregnant. Have a think about that side too x

[diymum@1]

Do you feel in your gut this would be the best for your other child? I think what this boils down is would you cope?there would be help out there for you. It’s maybe worth talking to the GP and see if you can get your thoughts processed with someone professional so you can weigh up what’s best. You could (detail removed by moderator)  go no contact with him. I’d say this is the only way because raising a child with an abusive man is hell on earth. It’s your choice though and body and if you felt it wasn’t right and would be too difficult all round then it is in the child’s best interest not to go forward with the pregnancy xx

[lover of no contact]

It’s good that you have your mum. She sounds like she would be a good and reliable support if you decide to keep the baby. Also things have a way of working themselves out in regards to finances, support etc. It will be tough being a single mum but easier than being with the abuser.

You say you’re not well mentally from being with this man; your mental health and strength would improve if you can go No Contact with this man ie ending the relationship and not allowing him back into your life. You are a strong, capable woman and mother and he’s a complete waste of space. If you give birth to your baby you can still have No Contact with him for you yourself. Contact can be organized through a third party or contact centre. Many woman on here deal with their abuser this way. Obviously it’s not ideal and ideally you’d prefer to have ties but imo the baby is here now. With lots of support you can keep your baby if you choose; it will be challenging but things have a way of working themselves out once you kick him to the kerb.

Keep posting.

[gladtobefree]

When I was pregnant with my second child. I was in an abusive relationship. My eldest child went to his dad’s at weekends so I had so time to myself and I also had to make a big decision because I honestly knew that I would be raising my baby alone and would then be a single Mum to two children and would not have the support of my baby’s Father. I was very young and was at college at the time. I did report him to the police and it took 84 calls and in the end he was sent to prison and I was moved house immediately. I moved to an area away from what I knew and where I grew up and didn’t drive or have any friends there. At the same time my parents had also moved (detail removed by moderator) hours drive away from me. I was nervous and heavily pregnant when I moved. I had my first son very early so there was a high chance that I would have another pram baby and that was the case. My point is that I did it and as nervous and alone I felt at times I want to tell you a story. After the birth of my second son, My Dad came down to stay for a bit and when he drove off, I cried my eyes out and I felt like I wouldn’t cope but that night when I sat on my bed breast feeding my baby, my other son was watching pop idol with me and turned and said “Mummy, one day I will be on here and I will win and give you all the money and you will be happy” it was in that moment that I felt completely content.
It was one of the hardest times of my life and it was also one of the best as it really did make me strong.
I couldn’t go through with a termination even though it was something I had to consider and no matter what you decide, know that you made the decision that you felt was for the best xx

[EbonyRaven]

Just wanted to add my support. If you decide not to have the baby you have nothing to feel bad about. You should get away from this man ‘though, whatever you decide.

If you are into music you might want to listen to some Amanda Palmer. Look her blog up too. She’s Neil Gaiman’s wife and has many wise words to say on this subject.

xx

[Author]

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