This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by Anonymous 3 months, 3 weeks ago.
6th June 2020 at 3:57 pm #105303Hellohellohello111Participant
Hi can someone please help. I cannot remember much of my childhood but I recently seen a physcologist and he thinks I may have been abused as a child. I’m not sure what type of abuse though. When I was (detail removed by moderator) my mum kicked me out and I ended up in a hostel which was full of drugged, paedophiles and all sorts of people who has just come out of prison. I met someone there who was much older than me and he got me into drugs and abused me so he could have sex with me. I then moved to a different town where I am now with my current partner who is an alcholic and is also abusive. My kids are currently in foster care as there are care proceedings ongoing. I finally plucked up the courage to seperate and I am waiting for an occupation order hearing. O am not sure why I have been in bad situations all my life but I need to be stong for my kids and hopefully have them return to my care but I’m not sure if the court will allow them back to my care because of my past and I may have PTSD. I already suffer from severe anxiety and stress. To make thi gs worse, I was sexually abused by my (detail removed by moderator) partners dad and had to do DNA test as my (detail removed by moderator) child might be his. Do you think my children will come home?
7th June 2020 at 9:44 pm #105449LisaMain Moderator
I just wanted to show you some support. I am so sorry to hear about your childhood and what happened in the hostel. It is not your fault that you have been in these bad situations.
I can’t give you the answer to whether your children will come home. But you could speak to Family Rights Group are a charity that offer advice, advocacy and campaigns for families whose children are involved with, or require, social services care. They also produce helpful advice sheets on all aspects of dealing with social services which are downloadable from their website. They are available on 0808 801 0366, 10.00am -15.30pm, Mon – Fri http://www.frg.org.uk/, email [email protected]
You could also speak to your local domestic abuse service and see if they offer any counselling.
Take care and please keep posting
8th June 2020 at 5:37 am #105462Soulsearcher18Participant
I am sorry to hear about everything that you have experienced. I agree with Lisa, it is not your fault that you have been in these situations.
I read your post and I don’t have the answer about whether your children will come home but I do want to offer you support and encouragement.
I hope all is going ok with the occupation order hearing and that you are safe.
If this is successful it will hopefully give you space to start to heal. I was thinking about what support you have in place for yourself. Obviously, when we are involved in care proceedings, our focus is on the children but I’ve read on here a few times a saying about the advice that air stewards give you on aeroplanes. Basically that you have to put on your own oxygen mask first before you help anyone else, including your children (something along those lines!). Meaning that you have to look after yourself first.
So I was wondering what support you have in place for yourself to help you with navigating everything that is going on and to help you to start recovering. Support that you may find useful (and it is different for everyone) might be:
* seeing a supportive GP regularly
* getting support from a local outreach Domestic Abuse support worker
* support from an ISVA (Independent Sexual Violence Adviser) for support in addition to and alongside a Domestic Abuse support worker
* Accessing local therapy groups to help with anxiety and depression
* Accessing specialised sexual abuse counselling,
* Contacting general counselling helplines as and when required, e.g. Samaritans
* Contacting local domestic abuse helplines for support during out of office hours if required
* Joining local domestic abuse support groups
* Attending parenting courses and accessing parenting support
* Accessing Jobcentre support for advice on benefits and job search (if required)
* I’ve found reading through the Sisterhood Sanctuary posts in Positive Moments on the forum just really useful for taking some time out and getting my mind of everything
* I found some fairly recent posts from women who are living without their children in the positive moments section on the forum which were inspiring and comforting – I can’t remember their usernames but if you are interested then please let me know and I willt try to find them for you.
I’m sorry if you have already accessed the types of support above and I am suggesting things that you already know. They’re just sources of support which I have found useful. I’ve not accessed them all at once and some of them I haven’t been aware of and have learnt about them along the way. Sometimes it can be confusing trying to find the right type of support and knowing how to access services, a good starting point is your GP and obviously Women’s Aid should be able to point you in the right direction. I’ve just found the following page on Women’s Aid too where you can search for services in your local area.
If you haven’t already accessed much support, I’d suggest trying out as much as possible and seeing which you find most useful.
Much of this support has switched to video, or telephone contact since lockdown but I have continued to access the support regularly.
The advantages of accessing support for yourself is that it gives you something positive to focus on, helps you to start to learn and process what has happened, helps you to meet others who share similar experiences and can also offer support and hopefully offers professional support and advice that will be non judgemental and will act in your best interests.
I hope this helps in some way. If nothing else, please know that I’m wishing you well and all the best.
Hope that you can keep in touch and let us know how you are doing when you get chance.
8th June 2020 at 12:29 pm #105497Anonymous
Wonderful advice here! And warm hugs to you!! I had a really abusive childhood too, sexual abuse, etc. It’s hard sorting yourself out, takes time to heal open wounds….getting your kids back means “you” have to make yourself your first priority. So get all the help you can find, build your support system. There’s a Book List thread on here that has tons and tons of good reading for you, youtubes, websites.
You absolutely can come out of all this, there is light at the end of the tunnel, very much so. Especially with sexual abuse – it really cuts us to our core and it’s not something we can just get over in a hurry. But some of the most fantastic women I have ever known or have known of – are amazing strong women who basically wouldn’t take no for an answer when it came to their own healing. They dug their heels in and willed it into being a reality. One thing that was never an option for me personally is that all those people responsible for my abuse would absolutely NOT define who I am. Uh no. It’s affected me, true enough. I have scars, sure do. But I did things in my life I should have never ever been able to do and I did them. With a smile on my face doing them. And saying under my breath the whole time “Take THAT!” To live well is the best revenge.
Look up anything on Marilyn Van Derbur. She was a beauty queen but her life was far from beautiful growing up….. But abuse happens in any family, rich or poor or whatever. Sometimes the best abusers are very looked up to, successful, intelligent, adored, admired and yet are monsters behind the scenes. Such was my father. Very good charmer. All of what they are and what they did – isn’t about “us”. It’s about – them. But as children we take on the guilt, their guilt because that’s what children do. They immediately think it’s because of them that this happened. We take that into adulthood until it’s examined and pulled out of our psyche as the lie it is. It’s a slow process but a journey that is so life giving. You probably don’t even know who you really are because I’m quite sure your self identity is all over the place in pieces. Time to find out who you are, get to know yourself, put yourself up as one worthy of that because you are.
That’s the mom your children deserve. One who is healthy, who realizes that if she’s not healthy then she can’t be a proper mom. Life happens to us and it’s not always even anything like – us deserving what happens either, especially when we are little. Sometimes lives are war zones and I’m quite sure yours was. I have PTSD myself but it’s very insignificant now unless it’s triggered and then I have to deal with it by removing the trigger!
Take back your power, your life, get fire going in that belly of yours and none of this thing of I can’t either. Can’t never could do anything, right? You Can! You deserve to be loved, cherished, protected and to have the right to have a happy childhood, which btw, you still can do. I did. Was really fun actually. I still do it. I b**w bubbles, act like a crazy little person every chance I get. I amuse myself that’s all that’s important but I do amuse others as well. LOL!
We are all here for you so please keep writing. There are sooo many beautiful women here who have been through it all. And we know how hard it is to talk sometimes, we do. X*X
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