Abuse getting worse

[cakepops]

I left ex (detail removed by moderator) after a long marriage due to emotional (and some physical) abuse. I’ve had great support from WA since then, and am rebuilding my life. We only email now, and handovers of our young children are in public places. So, I’m theoretically safe.

BUT despite seeing our young kids more than most men in his situation, he’s still dragging me through court. My oldest is really struggling with behavior and anxiety and so has recently been given a WA support worker, and ex is now trying and stop this. Ex is also doing everything he can to ‘win over everyone we know and anyone involved with the kids. He’s been having meetings with health visitor, school, nursery, doctors… you name it. He’s telling people I was abusive, that I am being controlling with the kids and its affecting their emotional wellbeing, that I have severe mental health issues and am making up the abuse because of this… He’s written to WA to complain about me accessing their services and tel them they aren’t allowed to see my oldest any more…

WA have referred my case to MARAC as they are so concerned about all of this.

I’m emotionally exhausted and really don’t know how to stop all of this. He’s continuing to abuse me via family, friends, professionals and the court. Yet the professionals involved mainly think he’s wonderful because he’s a ‘pillar of the community’ type person and comes across really well.

I’m really just wondering if anyone else has been through similar and come out the other side? Or will this be my life until the kids are grown up??

[maddog]

Your story reads like my own and so many others. My ex is currently using the family courts as he’s desperate that I am diagnosed as a drunken psychopath. WA will be used to this kind of behaviour from abusers so please don’t worry about that. A referral to MARAC is a good thing. It means they are taking the abuse seriously.

Abusers often come across as ‘pillars of the community’. They present a false self. They copy the bits of our behaviour that they like as a kind of blueprint. I found it really weird to have my ex copy my behaviour.

If your ex finds a new supply he will hopefully let you go. Otherwise it’s relentless. These people are the same as addicts always in need of supply. Unlike most addicts they have no insight into their behaviour. Keep to your truth.

Yes, when they start using the family courts it is dreadful. It is truly like being trapped in a Kafka novel from from which there is no escape. I am at the moment wondering if it is a good idea to have my ex psychologically assessed or if his lifetime of lying through his teeth would protect him. The police recognise him as a liar.

[KIP.]

Wow, I’ve been badmouthed behind my back and reported to certain service but this guy seems to be showing his true controlling colours. All I can say is to play the long game. You know the truth, so hang onto that. Stay strong and consistent. These men are such liars that they do get caught out in their lies. They can’t remember who they told what to. My ex wrote a delusional letter to my legal representation. I had to tell my family not to mention him or pass on any gossip. They should really be siding with you and having nothing to do with him. I had to drop people from my life who kept in touch with my ex. It sounds like you’ve got good support from WA. The next step will be to cut people from your life who don’t support you one hundred percent. My ex was a pillar of the community but he ended up with a criminal conviction so they definitely don’t fool everyone. From what you’ve said it seems he’s the one that’s controlling. My ex would accuse me of everything he was doing which is another thing you can use. If he’s accusing you of controlling and abusive behaviour, you can be sure he’s done it or doing it. Thinks about his other comments where he blames you. He can say what he wants but at the end of the day he has zero proof. What does he hope to achieve with court? Many use the court system to continue abuse. Make sure your solicitor has experience dealing with an abuser.

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