Abuse minimised because I ended the relationship and got with a person known to

[Sparkles24]

Hello, I am new here. I met my ex partner who I am in the process of divorcing when I was (detail removed by Moderator). I had known who he was from around the age of (detail removed by Moderator) as he is (detail removed by Moderator) years older than me and worked with my (detail removed by Moderator) at the time. When I entered into the relationship I was vulnerable, had problems at home and didn’t feel supported and I ignored people’s warnings about my ex being abusive to previous women. (detail removed by Moderator) years later after getting married and having (detail removed by Moderator) children together, I developed feelings for someone else who we both knew very well. I had fallen out of love with my ex who physically and mentally abused me for the (detail removed by Moderator) years in the relationship and still now.. nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years after leaving him. I am now with said person that I fell for and have been for (detail removed by Moderator) years. He is amazing and completely the opposite and makes me so happy. Unfortunately, because of the nature of how we knew each other, alot of people have fallen out with me and judged me. The hardest part being that my own (detail removed by Moderator) was one of these people. We no longer speak as she has rubbished my trauma and experiences and even made comments such as “anybody would think he beat you black and blue everyday”. I am finding that my past is being downplayed and made fun of because I have essentially left my ex for someone else in their eyes. My ex has hit me, spat in my face before, pushed me around in nearly all of my pregnancies, threatened me, verbally abused me many many times, thrown many cups at me and uses other forms of scare like tactics to upset me and frighten me and then try to convince me that it was me or that I was over reacting to his abuse. I ended the relationship several times and went to my (detail removed by Moderator), even banging at her door in just my dressing gown with no socks or shoes on in the middle of the night because he had attacked me.

She always eventually encouraged me to go back because he would send flowers and then message or call my (detail removed by Moderator) to say how sorry he was and how much he loved me and our children. I always went back and never actually realised so much at the time how bad his abuse could be.

 

I am really struggling because now, my (detail removed by Moderator) is of college age and still experiencing abuse from him too. He is starting to realise that this is abuse and trying to stand up for himself. His dad tries to blame me all the time and tells all of the children that they are messed up because I left them 🙁   Some days I feel really guilty that I didn’t just stay and stick it out for their sake but then most days I feel so free and happy with my new life. I just cannot deal with the constant manipulating with the children, the mind games, the lies.. and the fact that he has managed to turn my own (detail removed by Moderator) against me. I don’t seem to have a right to talk about the abuse or how I suffered because I “left him for somebody else”. I have been diagnosed with ptsd and am seeking support. I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this and has children and knows how best to handle this? Thank you

[Lisa]

Hi Sparkles24,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing about what you’re going through.

How you left your ex-partner in no way negates your experiences of abuse. You don’t have to be physically abused on a daily basis for abuse to be serious and damaging, it sounds like he terrorised and controlled you for a long time. Unfortunately, many people still don’t understand domestic abuse and it can be heartbreaking when this is true of those closest to you who have seen the impact on you. You deserve the happiness and freedom that you have now.

I know that many of the women on this forum have children with their perpetrators and have had to navigate a lot of difficult and painful situations because of the tendency for perpetrators to use children as part of continuing abuse. I hope that some of them are able to share about their experience with you soon because you are not alone in this.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Author]

Posts