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    • #96767
      cakepops
      Participant

      My young kids see their dad alternate weekends. In the last few months my oldest has been showing increasingly severe anxiety symptoms- mainly after contact but also in the lead up to it. This includes eating issues, refusing to sleep in his own bed and being exceptionally sensitive to being told off (to the extent he will scream and hide and say sorry over and over).

      Although he saw a lot of emotional abuse this was a while ago and I don’t think he remembers as we do handovers in a neutral place etc now so not an ongoing issue. The last couple of handovers he’s also been saying he doesnt want to go – begging to stay at home. He won’t say why other than he feel sick there (which I expect is anxiety) and he also won’t be likely to tell anyone else. I am scared ex is being aggressive with the kids. There are ongoing issues with harassment of me via email and also via professionals e.g. telling lies to school, GP etc, accusing me of parental alienation, abuse, being hostile etc.

      Its court ordered contact so I have to send them. I have no ‘proof’ as such although concerns logged with GP.

      Does anyone have any advice? I’m certain there’s something seriously wrong. Sadly he’s one of the type of abusers who manage to be ‘pillar of the community’ type people except in private and therefore most people think he’s fantastic.

    • #96768
      cakepops
      Participant

      To add – I always encourage contact and talk about their dad positively. The contact arrangements have been in place for a long time now and although he’s always preferred being with me he’s never behaved so worryingly until recently.

    • #96770
      KIP.
      Participant

      I think it would be a good idea to take him to counselling and see if a trained counsellor can get to the bottom of what’s going on. That way if she decides there are problems with dad then you can get her backing to stop contact or at least ask for supervised contact at a contact centre. You dint have to put their dad down but encourage them to speak out if they feel unhappy or scared. And to tell and adult about it. They should have safe adults already. Get them to count on their fingers five adults they trust. Mum, teacher, doctor, gran, police officer etc x

    • #96781
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Log everything he says and record how he appears before and after in a diary. Until he is around 10 / 12, unfortuanetly the authorities take the view he has to go don’t they unless there is violence or sexual abuse. Did you read the latest WA research on this? ‘Child First safe child contact saves lives’.

      I had to send my child and for years I felt this innner conflict, everytime she said she didn’t want to go, I can now see that what she needed me to say was OK. If I had listened to her and given her what she needed I wouldnt have sent her, but instead I was fearful of upsetting him and what this may bring and also of what the authorities would do/say – knowing they would say she has to go.

      He won’t have forgotten witnessing the abuse, more compartmentalised it, it’s unlikely he can verbalise it – and it’s not the right time; it will tumble out one day, did with mine around the age of 10, like you I was also unsure if she remembered, she clearly did, it was more the case she was trying no to; the emotions are too uncomfortable for little ones to bare, they learn to block it out as a way to cope and they naturally live in the hear and now; sadly, by doing this, my child learnt that all uncomfortable emotions are bad and not wanted, took a course of 6 months counselling for her to be able to accept all emotions are OK and we need to express these and respond to them; it effected her self esteem a great deal, for a while she internalised things and became self loathing; which was very painful to hear; thankfull this has improved a great deal now, but she still feels little self worth sometimes and this is due to how she feels about herself in relation to her father – not important, unloved – through unmet needs, neglect and emotional abuse.

      I would contact the NSPCC or Barnardoes and get him some professional help through them, they will help him manage the situation or be the one’s to action a safeguarding procedure on his behalf; then if the time comes – like KIP says, you have NSPCC support / input for court, then it’s no longer he says she says anyomre is it, it becomes NSPCC says as well; they may even help him to verbalsie what he needs to say, and this will be included hey – what he says really starts to look like a lie then.

      Sorry you are going through this, it really is difficult to work through x

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