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    • #143241
      Tigger9
      Participant

      Im hoping someone can help clarify my situation. I’ve been with my partner a fair few years and we’ve two children together. Up until recently I’ve had control of our finances because he admits himself he has no spend filter. He has now decided that I’m financially abusive because we don’t have much disposable income, he only works one day a week (removed by moderator) but wants the all the TV tv packages you can imagine, owns (removed by moderator) cars, and is constantly buying himself (removed by moderator) takeaway. I’ve always transferred any extra money he’s needed, now he’s decided he will take back his financial control and transfer me money for bills. Which I said would be great as it’s less pressure on me, however he hasn’t transferred me anything towards bills even though this month his summer hours started kicking in so our benefits have been hugely reduced, it’s left me having to use every penny of my wages to cover bills He has begrudgingly transferred a little money (removed by moderator) but his wage is normally spent within a week of being paid so I know it’ll all be spent way before next months pay day even though I’ve told him that he needs to cover all food and fuel this month he doesn’t seem to believe me.

      My other issue is that every evening he has where he’s not working the next day he stays at his best friends house for the night (detail removed by moderator). It doesn’t bother me the friends female but it does bother me the amount of time he spends with her instead of his own family. I’d be just as annoyed if the friend was male. He spends his time helping her but gets cross if I ask for help, he says I’m lazy because the house isn’t always tidy, but I work more than him but he doesn’t help do any household chores. If he’s home he’s gaming and we are expected to stay silent.

      I can’t have a discussion with him, he just gets louder and louder so I just withdraw and stay silent while he berates me for all the things he thinks I’ve done wrong, he blames me for not having money for him to spend (removed by moderator). But if he stopped his takeaways, reduced down the tv packages and phone contract and stopped doing (removed by moderator) round trip to his friends we’d have alot more money. All
      Our arguments are through text because he won’t talk without shouting so it’s the only way I can try and reason but it never works. He will just keep up with the horrific accusatory messages for hours and then come home a couple of days later being all lovely like nothing has happened, it honestly makes me feel like I’m losing the plot.

      In my mind I think he’s financially abusive not me, he spends like we are rich and demands money we don’t have. I think he’s emotionally abusive with all his nights away from home when he knows I’m not happy with this and also with all the awful messages. But then he acts normal so I’m completely baffled. Is it abuse or Am I imagining things?

    • #143249
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      Hello and welcome. Based on the info provided I’d say you’re not delusional! What you’ve described is an example of financial abuse – his money is his money and your money is to pay for his life. Sadly like you, mine said he’d transfer money for bills but it was so inconsistent and regularly came with attitude and entitlement as he didn’t see why he should pay bills. Then whenever things were nasty he’d not pay a penny. This left me penniless and stressed every month and I spent every penny of my savings staying afloat while he’s spent thousands on drink, drugs and meals out with his mate.

      The friend I can also relate to, mine put his mate’s wants/needs over his family every single time, I used to say his best mate was his boyfriend/girlfriend not me. These mates are often ‘enablers’ as they support the person being away from their partner & family, invite your partner to go to the pub etc. Although you’re right, being at someone’s house that lives 40 miles away so regularly is a red flag. Wouldn’t a ‘normal’ friend be supportive of him spending time with his family & partner?

      Another way to look at it is to ask what you expect a partner to do I.e. equal share of bills, responsibilities, to be able to talk to about stuff, help with childcare (I’m guessing that’s all on you if he’s out at her house regularly), and then how they react when you raise concerns – are they understanding, supportive and make actions to change or are they dismissive, twist the blame into you, shout or give you silent treatment, withhold money etc. The last part about being angry then acting like nothing is wrong when he sees you is another red flag, acting like there’s no issue, what’s your problem is gaslighting and a way of controlling your reactions.

      Sorry my reply became quite long! I’d highly recommend Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ as a good place to start learning about this type of relationship and behaviour x

    • #143258
      Mellow
      Participant

      He is abusive and that girl is his side piece typical narc behaviour only cares about his needs and invalidates your feelings .prefer to treat friend than you.the money issue take the control back you said he can’t manage so why did you give him power back?if you can turn it round and say you will do it make a lie so it sounds like it’s better for him,they lie to us!

    • #143272
      Tigger9
      Participant

      Thank you for the replies,
      As bananaboat has mentioned silent treatment I hadn’t added that but that is a regular occurrence when I’m told I’ve done something wrong or something is my fault.

      The finances I still ensure all bills were paid but he now has control of his own bank, I used to have permission to log into his bank and transfer what was needed for bills, he no longer allows me to do that as he said he would transfer the money to me himself. He never transfers anywhere near what I’ve told him is needed and that’s if he transfers at all. Which then means all of my wages has to go to the bills account so they don’t bounce. It leaves me reliant on him for food and fuel money but he doesn’t have any left after a week of his monthly pay.

    • #143273
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Tigger9,

      First, welcome to the forum. You have come to the right place to receive support and insight into what you are going through.
      As others have already confirmed, your partner’s behaviour is most definitely abusive. On many levels. It’s hard to see the abuse for what it is when you are in the relationship and especially when you have been coping and managing such behaviour to get by for quite some time. You should not feel your only option is to abide by his demands. He lacks respect and genuine care for you and this is made even more tragic by the fact it is you that has kept the family well and looked after. The fact you cannot have any discussion with him on this is another red flag that you are in a situation that is extremely unlikely to change in any way. Abusers rarely want to accept any responsibility for their behaviour or to acknowledge the detrimental impact it is having on their family.
      A good next step for you in getting on-going emotional and practical help, would be to contact your local domestic abuse service. They will understand all that you are going through and be able to help by going through all your options in this so you can get clarity on how you want to move forward.
      You have specifically described experiencing financial abuse and control. There are specialist services that can help. The Financial Support Line for Victims of Domestic Abuse is a service specialising in the financial side of domestic abuse. Anyone who has experienced domestic abuse can call for one-off advice regarding debts, benefits and budgeting from the Financial Support Line, or self-refer for ongoing casework on 0808 196 8845 (Mon-Thurs 9am- 5pm).
      Also, StepChange are a debt charity, that provide free, confidential and expert debt advice and money guidance, recommend the best solution or service for your circumstances, support you while you deal with your money worries for as long as you need their help, and campaign on your behalf to reduce the risk of debt problems and the harm it causes. They are contactable on 0800 138 1111 (Mon-Fri 8am-8pm, Sat 8am-4pm) or live chat via the website.
      I hope this is useful. Please do keep posting to let us know how you get on. You are not ‘imagining things’, so do trust your gut on this. You deserve better and we are all here for you.

      Take care,

      Lisa

    • #143300
      Tigger9
      Participant

      Thank you Lisa, that’s great I will look into those and thank you for helping me to clarify my situation. I think I’ve known for a while it’s abuse but as you say it’s difficult to realise when you are in the situation and trying to hold things together

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