Abuse or mentally unwell?

[Happybelle]

Another horrible day. On fast another horrible few days.
As I tighten up my boundaries, their methods are becoming extreme. Having refused to give money, I’m literally down to almost nothing, my partner again started going on about not wanting to live. Then started whacking their own head against an object in the house. Mind you, I wasn’t in the room so who is to say it really was that. I don’t know. Is this worsening manipulation or is it real illness and they need help. I wish I could go back an never have started a relationship here. I don’t think I’ll ever have one again now.

[browneyedmum]

I suggest asking them to go to A&E.

My husband threatened suicide (detail removed by Moderator). He went in, had some evaluations, offered medication and counselling but ended up abandoning the counselling in (detail removed by Moderator) instances. The counselling didn’t meet his schedule and he said that other people in the group counselling sessions had fewer problems than he had, so he didn’t think counselling would help him. In the (detail removed by Moderator) instance where my husband threatened suicide, I went out of my way to get him onto my private insurance so that he could get mental health resources there as well, or perhaps some counselling that better suited his schedule. He didn’t like the options offered there either.

I believe that if my husband’s threats were true, he would have gladly stayed on with something from the myriad of options, both on the NHS and privately, that he was offered. He didn’t want to pursue those, they weren’t convenient. Further, my husband would still be ‘struggling’ now but he’s not struggling and in fact has had other health scares since where he’s been especially cruel to me after I’ve gone out of my way to help him again.

It could be real illness or it could be a continuation of the manipulation.

[tryingtosleep]

Hi Happybelle

I hope you are ok.

From my experience I would say it’s both. My ex threatened to commit suicide a number of times in order to try and manipulate me.

He is very ill but he is also very coercive.

It’s important to understand that you can’t be responsible for his happiness. It’s a hard lesson to learn.
X*x

[maddog]

Poor mental health is never an excuse for abusive behaviour. It’s very common for abusers to threaten to kill themselves. They do it to control and punish us. Occasionally they succeed. This is nothing to do with us and we can’t control them however much they try to dump the blame on us. This behaviour belongs firmly to them and their own miserable lives.

If you’re really worried about him, please seek professional advice. You shouldn’t be going through this kind of thing alone.

[Happybelle]

Thanks all – mega helpful.
Unsurprisingly he is nice as pie today and full of remorse. I have been clear that it is not acceptable and must stop. If it happens again later I will have no choice but to phone for ambulance or police to come and take him out. Hopefully I can follow that thought through!

[Bananaboat]

Mental health isn’t selective like abuse. If they can turn it on/off especially to get you to respond how they want, and the bad behaviour is only experienced by you (they are nice as pie to others) then it’s abuse not MH. Someone gave a great tip about telling them to go see a doctor – they won’t. The fact he is being nice today strongly implies it’s abuse to seek a reaction. Sadly their tricks do escalate when they sense their power is waning, strap in it’s a tough ride so look after yourself and write things down. It helps you to see through the lies and pick up patterns x

[maddog]

Awwww, poor little baby man. He’s using that Big Man toddler influence to control you. of course you want to protect him and he wasn’t protected way back then. He’s not a child and he’s certainly not your child. If he wants to whack his head, it’s his decision. It started way before you came along. Treat him as an infant and get the professionals in

[Happybelle]

Maddog you are right. He was not well looked after and protected as a child. One parent was a heavy drug user and died and the other was an on/ off drunk. He was the one caring for his siblings when he was a teenager. So man baby now sounds about right. The one parent he has left is currently blaming me for his shoddy behaviour. I say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

[Author]

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