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I’m new to this forum and looking for some advice. My husband is handsome, charming and very popular. We have a wide friendship circle and my family adore him. He can be very caring, loving and sweet but he has always had a nasty streak. He can suddenly lose his cool, without warning. He gets very angry and uses foul language towards me, calls me stupid, an idiot, thick, swears at me..generally degrading language. I often find myself walking on eggshells. He teases me in front of other people but there is always a nasty undercurrent to it. He has an overactive scoreboard of things that I contribute to the marriage. Frequently tells me that I have him to thank for where I am in my career because he has “helped me be a better person”. If I call him out on his behaviour, he dismisses my opinion. I do love him very much and we do have some very good times. When hes being kind, we get on really well. Since wondering if this is abuse, it’s made me see him differently- like my blindfold has been removed. I’m unsure if it even is abuse..? Perhaps just unhealthy relationship habits?! Please, help!
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Sadly yes it’s abuse. Please do not have a baby with this man. If he treats you this way now, it will only get worse once you’re pregnant and have the baby’s. That’s when you’re vulnerable and they take advantage of that vulnerability to abuse. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline for a chat. You should never walk on eggshells around an intimate partner. My ex was charming to the outside world but once that door closed and there were no witnesses, his real nasty true self came out. He can control this behaviour and he humiliates you in public to destroy your self confidence and self esteem. Read Living with the Dominator and talk to women’s aid x
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Yes please don’t have a baby, a decade on I am regretting that. I look at a timeline and all the red flags, and after every commitment (paying off his debts, babies, buying house, putting my career on hold) the abuse got worse. I didn’t believe this was “something” but it really, really is. I could have written your post 10 years ago. Good advice above. Read Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Me by Lundy Bancroft. It will open your eyes, I couldn’t believe its accuracy. Im not out yet but hopefully soon, and for good. Sending you strength. x
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KIP and iliketea, thank you so so much. Your messages have given me strength! I know what you mean about this actually being ‘something ‘. I honestly thought I was just overreacting or being over sensitive. The red flags have been there for years, when I really think about it. He has hurt me on purpose a couple of times. Why I didnt leave then, is beyond me. I think it’s because (and I HATE to say this) I just assumed that this happens to other people and not to me, sonic can’t be abuse. How ridiculous of me! Thank you guys, so much.
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Hello ladies, blueskiestomorrow you poor thing. I didn’t really have doubts to get pregnant but once i did i knew it was the worst idea. It was very soon after meeting and my pregnancy was basically hell, no support with severe sickness and he wouldnt let me go anywhere really i couldnt enjoy it. Once baby here i was sleep deprived, he wouldnt let me out anywhere, he didn’t help at all. I actually feel sad thinking about the first 6 months.
Know we are all here for you, i debated marrying him after child. KIP you may remember me, i was on here as mellowyellow. We have another child…this time i enjoyed it more but got post natal anxiety. ..probably from doing everything again. I definitely had PND with my first but never sought help.
Anyway, just take your time and think about your future and if you are truly happy. I am stuck now as i can’t bear to break the family up. So i just live in denial and have awful anxiety. One day i may be free from him. Sending love to all x*x
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Dear BlueSkiesTomorrow,
I can see you are new on here so just wanted to say welcome!
I can also see that you have already begun to receive some very insightful advice and support from the other women on this forum which is always great to see.
I hope you continue to share your experiences on here so it helps you put things in perspective and bring clarity to how you want to move forward. Trust your gut and remember to prioritise your happiness and sense of self-worth. It’s always difficult seeing the abuse for what it is when you experience good times along with behaviour that makes you feel devalued and ridiculed. We understand this to be part of the abuse; a cycle of conflicting and polarising behaviours to make you confused and unsure of yourself.
It seems you have already begun to really question your partner’s behaviour and what that now means to you. Know that you are not over reacting and you have every right to be critical in this situation.
If you ever want to speak in more detail with a trained domestic abuse worker, you can contact your local service. It’s free and often they have both emotional support and practical help available.
Take care and all the best,
Lisa -
Hi and welcome to the forum. As has been previously said don’t have a baby with this man. He knows this is what you want probably most in the whole world and will use this to ‘lovebomb’ you. Feeling you’re overreacting is you fighting against your body’s telling you it’s not right, we just dismiss it as such whereas if we listened hard enough we’d know and see the truth.
Keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power.
IWMB -
Lisa and Iwantmeback, thank you. I will definitely keep posting and reading. It has made me feel so much more sane, seeing all the other posts and replies! I know I cant have a baby with my husband and the thought of falling pregnant makes me so anxious. I also know that I cant keep making excuses or putting it off. This will come to a head fairly soon, I can see it now. I just need to be prepared and have a plan. I will definitely speak to womens aid and reach out to my local organisation. Thank you guys – truly!!!x
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Hi Blueskies
Fortunately when I was with my controlling abuser the question of babies never came up. He already had children with his ex wife and I didn’t want one of my own.
I have to be honest, it’s only recently that I’ve realised all his previous partners were most likely abused by him. That means his ex wife suffered at his hands for at least 12 years (that being the age of the eldest child when she left him.)
I believed without question all the guff he spouted about her – a neglectful mother, lazy, a spendthrift, unfaithful. Only much much later I wondered about the things she suffered, escape more difficult with every child that came along.
Ask yourself why your husband is so keen. Listen to the inner voice that’s telling you this isn’t what you want right now. Take as much time as you need to decide what you want and don’t allow his wants and needs to become more important.
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Walk. I can’t say that loudly enough. What I went through in my relationship and as a parent the alarm bells didn’t ring loud enough until several years down the line. But the signs were there. And I’m here (detail removed by moderator) later on this forum thinking it would never happen to me. The fact that you’re already on this forum means you already know
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Hi all I am new to this and I am so desperate to speak to someone.
I’ve been with my current partner for nearly (removed by moderator) years who helped me get out of a tough situation with my ex husband and his family and even took a beating ( I did too) from them because I moved on with my life.
I will firstly admit when we got together I (removed by moderator) and he found out but he stuck by me and my kids.
Ever since then because what I’ve gone through with my ex’s family I tend to tell little fibs ( which I know I shouldn’t but please don’t judge me) just to keep the peace but over the past (removed by moderator) years, if I don’t tell him something or he finds out something, I start getting names called, telling me he doesn’t believe a word I say and just generally being nasty but never physical.A few months ago I went to a friends ( male I may add- known him years) house when I was visiting my mother and because my young daughter told him when we got back home as I hadn’t mentioned it, he accused me of everything and anything when nothing happened at all. I went to see the friends mother more than him.
To this day he still thinks I’m up to things behind his back, feel like I can’t talk to my friends because he accuses me of cheating and starting the conversation and that I’m just attention seeking constantly.I’ve had to hide the fact I use social media because he thinks I’m looking at men’s profiles etc.
It’s having a major impact on my mental health as it is and I’ve already decided I want to leave him and got the support of my family behind on it all. I also have a escape fund building.
Am I being abused or over reacting? Have tried leaving him but it’s just so difficult when I’ve explained to him, he just twists everything round and puts the blame on me.
Please help xx
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Hi there PuDleJam, yes he’s being abusive. No one here will ever judge you, we’re all human, we all make mistakes. Though I don’t look back on my life with any regrets, some situations I wish I hadn’t gotten into but I sure learned lessons. I don’t think there’s one person on here who doesn’t tell fibs. We’ve had to in order to survive living with someone else’s ludicrous expectations and rules. Funny enough my oh always found out my fibs, I can’t lie, always get caught. How i managed to get out without him knowing🙄🙄 your partner is judging you on his behaviour,its called projection. He’s allowed his opinions, but that’s all they are, are opinions, they’re not based on fact. Look up the grey rock method. It helped me get through a lot of his insecurities and accusations. Keep building your escape fund. You’ll need help to get away from him whether it’s from your family, or womens aid. If you’re financially tied you’ll need to get that fixed too. Your local WA usually have lawyers they use who are specifically versed in DA cases. He’s gaslighting too, they’re very good at manipulating situations to suit their needs. In a healthy relationship when it’s finished, yes it hurts, but you both know it’s run it’s course and it ends, you both move on with your lives. In an abusive relationship unless he has n**********c traits and walks away from you, you can’t just end the relationship. He will hang on to you as if his very life depends on it, not because he loves you, but because he has invested a lot of time and energy in training you, breaking you down. He doesn’t want to do that all over again so will say and do anything to keep you. Look up the cycle of abuse. Trauma bonding which is similar to Stockholm syndrome. Keep a journal of his behaviour to you,to others, to children if you have any and your pets.
You will have mental health issues, physical health issues while living in an abusive relationship but they can and do lessen, once you distance yourself from him.
It’s not easy, it really isn’t but we’re here to help you in any way we can.
Love and light IWMB 💞💞-
Thank you so so much! It feels so good hearing it from someone who is experienced it too!!
I am quite lucky that everything that is in my home and all finances are in my name only so that’s something I suppose.It’s just so hard that all I do is find myself dreaming about a better life for myself and my kids.
I will also add that if we don’t have any sexual contact because who would want to be intimate with someone who calls you names. He automatically assumes that I’ve had it from the friend I visited or I’m thinking about someone else.
I am just so grateful that I can get on here and write things that is going on with my life with no one twisting it all but still
Have to be careful that he doesn’t catch me doing it.Will start writing things down on what he’s said etc in a book which I will also hide and just keep adding to.
Much love x*x
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I laughed out loud at the absurdity of his thinking. My oh said the same, if I’m not getting it you’re getting it elsewhere. What planet do these men live on…. if I smiled, I was obviously thinking of someone else. Oh give me strength. Ìm so so glad I came back on here, it’s strengthening every day, giving me the energy to stay strong.
Thank you ladies. 💞💞 -
Hi Pud and BlueSkies……can’t emphasis enough how important it is for you to journal, find out what your rights are, make a plan, and don’t always be in the Defense mode. You can play Offense. That means you are not always fielding insults and waiting for their next crazy move or trying to please them, etc., but you are about doing what is right by you and your kids if you have them.
I always forget to suggest that if you want to know what’s going on in your flat, outside when someone approaches, you can always install rather cheap cameras with an app to your phone. Just a suggestion. Be sure and hide, camouflage well where you place it.
Sexual contact can make us very foggy in our brains, btw, so when wanting to get away from them, it is best to abstain from this for many reasons. I have seen so many women strong, ready to do what’s best for them, almost at the end of it and then they sleep with their abuser and it’s back to ground zero again. Even worse at times.
Make a plan, execute it and get away from this nonsense. We’ve all stayed, we all do it but life is so very short, it really is. I had to start doing the thing of picking apart every little thing and just say NO, not doing it anymore. Won’t even waste my time going over all the things he does or doesn’t do. I have enough information now and that’s that. The more time I spent delving into why oh why, the deeper I got into his hole. So I had to kick off the chains and just crawl out of that hole like my backend was on fire because it was! I just had to get to the point of I don’t care why you are the way you are, I don’t care how you think, I don’t care what made you go nuts “this time”, just don’t care. It’s unacceptable. I won’t have it and End of.
I think overall when we don’t know if something is abuse or not, what we really don’t know is – are we worthy of such abuse? And of course the answer is always No. No one is worthy of abuse. But somewhere in our psyche we might have a hiccup thought that says, well…..if this happened, then you must have done something to deserve it, right? Big huge hook for us. The answer is No. They do it because it makes them feel good because they are very little inside but have a big bully ego tromping about smashing people’s heads one way or the other way. We have to have Absolutes going on in our brains that simply says – I won’t be bullied. Don’t care what the abuser’s thoughts are on the matter. I just won’t have it. No negotiation, no circular reasoning, no gaslighting, no transference, no guilt tripping. I said No and I mean No !!
Fire in the Belly!!!! Get that fire going on. Light it, do beautiful things for yourself too because anger, trauma and frustration takes up alot of energy so be about soothing yourself and making sure you do. Good food, little treats whatever they are, put on your earbuds and listen to music drowning everything and everyone else out. Hot baths, good videos, whatever makes you feel good. You have to take care of yourself during this time and that is your right to do so!!
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(detail removed by moderator) was horrible!! I ended up crying myself to sleep as he thought I was hiding things and snatched my phone out my hands and I was screaming to give it back to the point I was trying to grab it off him. He called me all the names under the sun and said I attacked him when all I was trying to do was get my phone back and he demanded to look through it and accused me of changing someone’s name on my phone to hide the fact it was a bloke which is seriously not true all because I got a chain message in my messenger inbox.
My throat is so sore and I feel awful this morning. I know I can’t go on like this anymore. He also told me he had taken (detail removed by moderator) tablets and would take more.
I feel so alone and awful 😭😢😭😭 -
When the threats of suicide start tell him you’re calling an ambulance, wasting their time at this moment in time should come with a criminal offense in my mind.(not you him) He may have taken tabs,but how many? Or he may have just put them down the toilet. Proving anything to an abuser makes no difference, he’ll find something else to attack you with. He could possibly be doing the exact same thing that’s why he thinks you are. Its called projection putting onto you what they say and do. You may be on the receiving end of the different treatment today, he could act as if nothing happened or he’ll be so nice today. All methods to put you off balance. The amount of times my oh accused me of lashing out at him when I only tried to take back what was mine or defend myself. Until recently even if I was making a sandwich and be talking with my hands as many of us do, because the knife was still in my hands he’d say something like, so you’re trying to stab me now. They are utterly delusional and what they accuse is ridiculous.
I guess you’ll be walking on eggshells, wondering whether to go downstairs act’normal’. Do whatever you have to do to survive this. Your enough is enough moment will come and then something so insignificant will happen after that, that’ll be the icing on the cake after that moment, that’ll make you leave.
IWMB 💞💞 -
OMG, how much this reminds me of my father. Always, always going to kill himself….or supposedly try to. Extremely abusive man but after he would be abusive he would do this to get our sympathy. Pull you this way, pull you that way and slap you in between. I hope you can start to realize what he’s really up to here. Of course it’s all going to be your fault because he can’t take ownership of his own actions or should I say – he won’t take ownership, either way, it’s not happening. And if it wasn’t you in this position, it would be – someone else so make absolutely No mistake about that one. We get into this fog of thinking Oh My! It’s all because of me!! It isn’t. We think we are someone special and that we are special too because everything is our fault. Um no. The no. 1 trip up with people in this position is they assume everything is because of them when the walls start falling down. That’s what they want you to think. It’s all your fault. You deserve this. Nothing could be further from the truth.
First off, he’s a grown man and he’s acting like a bratty child. Emotional intelligence age? I don’t know here, but I’m thinking it’s quite young. I have a saying and I love it – Not my circus, not my monkeys. You didn’t take him to raise, right? All the things that have happened to him until you were not your fault, right? And what’s going on with him now is not your fault.
At some point it’s good to just have a heart to heart with yourself and ask – What do I truly want in a man? And not talking about fixer-uppers either. Talking about what you want in a man who comes into your life at all? Already made. You don’t have to fix them or tolerate them in any way. What would that look like? Is that him? If not, then you need to be true to yourself. Circular reasoning, gaslighting, projection is just crazymaking and it’s not the grounds for a true, wonderful, healthy relationship.
You have to come to this on your own and you being here, is you doing that. Read, educate yourself, ask questions and don’t worry about us because we’ve all been there!! Not just once for me, oh no, I had to do a few times. No judging with us. Take your shoes off, talk all you want, we are here to help.
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Hi there PJ. You really must ring Women Aid and get some advice. In normal times I would say go to your GP and have the abuse noted in your medical files. Have an assessment of your mental well being. Get legal advice. As stated by others, you need to make a plan and even in these lock down times this is possible. You are allowed to leave your home to escape abuse. You can still get legal advice on applying for a non molestation or other order to get him away from you. You may be able to go to a refuge. In short, you do not have to live in this impossible situation. You must create your plan with the help of others and step by step, like building a stairway, get out of this impossible horrible situation. x
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Unfortunately a refuge isn’t an option as I have two children who have additional needs and one is studying (detail removed by moderator) at the moment.
I am lucky that my house is solely in my name but unfortunately unless i have a shower or go on my daily walk with my youngest, it’s the only time I have when I don’t get him going on at me and chance to speak to people hence why I am messaging back now. I don’t have any friends or family around my area so I can’t even go to their house for safety as they all live miles away and I don’t even drive.
I may add I also get timed if I go to the toilet, get snapped at if I make him a f*g wrong or even a cup of coffee.I know I need to get out ASAP but it’s so hard when I have no where to go and don’t trust him in my house alone as he has previously threatened to smash it all up in the past and tell my ex husband where I am etc when I have a full non contact order in place and knowing how dangerous his family are.
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Hi PuDleJam, it’s like waiting fir something huge to happen that gives us the permission to contact the police. But when that moment comes ere so in the moment, that logic goes out the window, and even afterwards we’re so grateful that its over, that he’s not smashed up the house or stab..d us or the dog, that we’r carry on as normal as is our normal. But we know,we know that isn’t normal behaviour. But how to break it, how to stop it? By reaching out, by taking one baby step after another, by doing something anything that makes us stronger. I used to turn the toilet roll round the ‘wrong’ way. His way you see was the right way, I’m like who cares, so long as someone replaced it I didn’t care what way it went on. Didn’t realise there was a right and wrong way. But you know there is no right and wrong way, it’s just your opinion, your preference, just another excuse fir bad,inexcusable behaviour. If you’re looking for permission to call the police, we’ll give you it, you are worth making a fuss for.
Keep posting, you’re doing really well.
IWMB 💞💞 -
It’s always good while in this fog to do at least one thing a day that is “pro-you” and is making a step for you to have peace, health, wellbeing and happiness. Sometimes we have to stop listening to all the “what ifs” in our head regarding what if I do this in order to have the life I want? It’s all fear based. Living in a constant state of fear is just horrible. I remember well. When you see those prison walls around you maybe just have the attitude of – I am either going over that wall, through that wall or under that wall. But I AM going to be free of this. Finding time to call or reach out is hard but it can be done. People will lead you through it. There’s been a path carved out by soo many women just like you so while you might think that your situation is unique or impossible, it’s not. I remember telling myself, other people telling me that – just bear up under it, you can’t do this and you can’t do that. Ugh. But finally I just had to say – this is unacceptable. It has to stop. I have to make it stop. I Will make it stop. Once determination sets in and you realize no one has the right to make us a prisoner. No one. Then doors do open for you but you have to knock, even with shaky hands. Let someone help guide you out.
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Seriously can’t cope right now! One minute he’s all nice and then next I’m being compared to his ex’s who one got him in to serious debt, another lashed out at him and the main one he actually caught in the act cheating on him.
I’ve been moaned at (detail removed by moderator) about not washing up properly, been called thick and dumb for getting more than one anti bacterial wipe out the packet and just general grumbles. I just wish I had a magic wand to get myself and the kids outta here now. Super frustrating!!
On the upside, I’ve put more in my emergency fund so it’s building up slowly.
I know people are saying I need to get legal advice but I don’t actually need it as everything is in my name, I have no financial ties to him and the house is solely in my name and the kids have no ties to him either.
So hard to speak to anyone professional on my next move when he is constantly under my feet and lurking around even before lockdown!!!
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Legal advice is free fir first visit. Everything may be in your name, but if you’ve been living together as husband and wife just make sure he can’t get anything. Think in Scotland if you’ve lived together fir a year the other person is entitled to half of assets but only after they moved in(I think) not sure about English law, that’s why it’s always advisable to ask. Prepare for the worst thing possible, that way there’s no nasty surprises.
IWMB 💞💞 -
Today I’ve now been out to be the one who is ruining our relationship by not telling him about talking to friends etc. He says he doesn’t mind me having friends and talking to them but doesn’t like me being sneaky when I’m not. I just feel like if I told him that I was talking to someone I’d get that I’m attention seeking again or I’m slagging him off.
Have now also messaged a family member with some advice as they work for the police so waiting on a response.
Can’t take this anymore. Mental health is seriously struggling.
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Very charming men ! Always alarm bells for me xx I’m sorry to say it is a guise and as I read this you see it. I had two kids with an abusive man and I can truly say they decimate families. My advice from experience is don’t have a baby not with him. He sounds very manipulative and abusive. DV escalates in pregnancy that is because these men have ownership ideals. No one owns you no one is entitled to ever do this. These men think once a baby is born this is their right to treat you how ever they please. There are many good men out there to be good fathers. Men who have control issues destroy not only your relationship with your child. They damage. Stay well clear.This is your property and the law is on your side. I know it’s not that easy but making good decisions now will pay off for a good future xx love diymum
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So the past couple of days have surprising beien ok after a rough week but he still has no idea that I want to leave him and move away as far as possible with my children. I’m still building my escape fund and I am trying to keep as normal as possible.
I have also have an encrypted file on my phone where I just keep adding to about what’s going on when it all kicks off!
How can anyone be like Jekyll and Hyde is beyond me.
Hope everyone is ok on here. Stay safe x*x
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Ok maybe I spoke to soon on my previous post. I’ve been called more names and now he is trying to get my autistic child who doesn’t understand what’s happening that I’m going to mess their head up and I’m going to move in with the said friend who he accused me of cheating on him with when I went to see my family and that said friend is going to be their new daddy.
I am so close to breaking point and I know I need to do something but it’s so hard especially when I have no where to go!!
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My head is such a mess!!
My autistic child let it slip to my partner that I wanted to leave him and move with both my kids and he went mental!!
Things since he found out have now calmed down but I still want to leave. It got me so worked up when he found out that I had a massive breakdown.
Do I just keep planning in my head and keep building my escape fund up so I can get out ASAP or do I just have to sit back in complete silence and just carry on as things are normal for the sake of him??
Really am so low and down over this and now I see no way out of this without constantly thinking I’m hurting him.
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This needs to Stop! Please fight this codependent thing of you are hurting him by protecting yourself and your child. He has hurt himself here. He chose to be abusive, not you. Do whatever you need to do in order to leave Asap or kick him out! Clear your head of any other objective but this one. You can’t keep being around him and be ok here, you are falling apart, so get done what you need to quickly. It really should be him that is removed from the home. What did the police say when you called and what about legal advice?.
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Everything is solely in my name and the kids are from previous relationships so they have no legal tie to my partner so don’t really need legal advice.
Police have just told me to contact 101 if things get too bad or call 999.
I’m now not even allowed in his eyes to go out apart from the local shop on my own unless I leave my phone at home cos he says all the trust has gone. I’m going seriously crazy now.
Think I need to speak to my family whenever I get some alone time and maybe give them a code word so they can contact the police for me when they know it’s gone even further than it has now!
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Hello and welcome, I’m also new! But I agree with what all the others have said. Yes this is emotional abuse and tey not to get pregnant! My OH is very similar apart from my family domt like him so much since seeing how he treats and talks to me in public also how he is with our daughter. Hes not physical eith her but shouts at her very easily and makes her admit shes had an accident when she hasnt. He changed since I had her because she is my absolute main priority and pushed him out which is when I realised things were different. It’s been since the lockdown I’ve realized how much hes had an emotional hold over me. You need to follow your instinct xx
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Puddlejam,
This is exactly why Boots and Morrisons are offering safe rooms for ladies to make calls from. If you are able to leave the house without him then make your way to your local Boots and Morrisons and ask the staff if you can use their safe room so you can make calls. DO NOT let your partner know you are going to a Boots or Morrisons though. That way, if he was to come looking for you he won’t find you.
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