30th April 2021 at 4:37 pm #125386
So, I got complacent. I thought it was all over. Apart from one last piece to be sorted out. Which is really simple but would mean he has to fully let go, and he’s not willing to do that. He never sees me. He sees his children. The relationship is well and truly over. But why do they want to hang on? What are they hanging on to? I do not get it.
So after months of silence, of behaving, he’s beginning to ramp it up.
What do you do? How do you cope? I thought I was well on my way to healing, to understanding, to getting over this part of my life. I’m nearly at the end of trauma counselling from local DV support. But I’m back there. My heart is racing, my mouth is dry, I’m crying, I’m confused, I don’t know what to do, I have no idea how to solve this. We will become homeless. He’s going to do that to his children. Just for the spite of it. Just because he can. Just because he can afford to and I can’t do anything about it.
Its all so subtle, hard to prove, I don’t know what to do.
I suddenly feel really desperate and don’t know where to go for help. Really desperate. I’ve even dared to feel happy these past few weeks. Guess I got complacent. Do they ever get out of your life? Or do I have to disappear to get rid of him? I don’t know what to do.
1st May 2021 at 2:56 am #125402Twisted SisterParticipant
I don’t think its unusual to have this happen, by an abuser, or to feel the way you are. not at all.
I am so sorry he has decided to escalate his abuses after this lovely period of quiet for you. it must be a horrible shock, and no wonder you are once more dry mouthed and very anxious. thats normal. its his behaviour thats abnormal.
Can you let your DV counsellor know that you will need to extend their support because your situation has escalated, and you need extra help? How about police:? Your doctor? Child protection? your local council homeless prevention team?
do you have support from a local WA?
Whats happened is horribly predictable behaviour on his part, and its then normal to respond in the way you have.
Do post and talk as much as you feel helps, whilst you try to deal with this phase there will be lots of different advice that could help, as well as to feel the support that will come your way
4th May 2021 at 10:15 am #125522
Thanks so much for your support. Yes I think I will do that with the DV counsellor. Yes, I need to be posting more and reminding myself this is predictable and normal – for them at least – not normal ex behaviour, have to remember that too. It came so out of the blue it threw me off balance. Thank you for your support. xx
1st May 2021 at 3:01 am #125403Twisted SisterParticipant
Some do really fully escape and never have the abuser in their life, but others I fear will tell you they don’t really shake them off, especially when courts award contact or shared custody of children and don’t understand the situation. The better you can state his abuses the better your chances that police/others will take serious notice to act on it.
1st May 2021 at 3:43 am #125409SilverbirchParticipant
Hello. Getting away will be the best and the hardest thing you ever do. We all need the support of people we trust and who can be steady and calm when we are scared and panicking. Keep in contact with your trusted people, including women’s aid and on this forum. You will get through this. It’s like a wave. It will pass. X
1st May 2021 at 8:52 am #125418skyfishParticipant
Stay strong and resolute – as silverbirch says it is like a wave, anxiety comes and goes with events but if you believe in your truth and remain firm he will see he has no power anymore and will stop trying to manipulate you
You’ve got this! Love & light x*x
4th May 2021 at 10:13 am #125521
Thank you, yes, its all about power and control. I need to remember that all the time. Thank you. x*x
2nd May 2021 at 12:14 pm #125450LifebeginsParticipant
So sorry to hear about your recent challenges after a period of calm.
Strangely, I too am recently having a ramp up of activity from my ex and we left about the same time. I wonder why now for us both?
From counselling I’m learning that he will never change his behaviour so I’ve got to change my reaction to it. We’re not going to get them out of our lives until our children are grown so I’ve accepted that and that he’s going to try and get into my head as he did for years. I won’t allow that though. I allow myself a short freak out when he does something (I’m only human) then back on track. We’ve done the hard part and the thing they thought we’d never do – leave. So they need to try and get the upper hand again. Hence the bullying in financial matters.
Try and take a step back and clear your head. Are you really going to be made homeless? Do you still have a solicitor? If so, what do they think? Or will you have to move? Your local council will have a duty to rehouse you if you’re made unintentionally homeless. I’m sure there will be other women on here who have experience of this and can offer advice. I have the housing situation hanging over my head still too but I’ve decided if I have to move so be it although I’m going to put up a good fight. A house is just bricks although we have a lot of attachment to it as we’ve invested our time and energy in it. But you can do it again somewhere else if need be. Home for me, is anywhere me and my child are.
Perhaps you could look at extending your counselling sessions whilst you’re going through this rough patch too?
We’re here for you iliketea. Stay strong 💪 xx
4th May 2021 at 10:09 am #125519
Hi @lifebegins, good to hear from you. Yes, its strange the timeline isn’t it, yes, its a similar amount of time. I am going to ask my counsellor and let you know as I can’t work it out. Everything seemed to be running smoothly. I’m not really surprised but I am sort of surprised too and was unprepared. But you are totally right, its the reaction to it that can change. I had the freak out on Friday, and then woke up ready to fight and made phone calls and got it clear in my head where I stood. Its often the unknown that makes us fearful I always think. Once I got the information I needed, put my mind at rest, and knew what steps I needed to take things became clearer and I felt more in control. It was scary though my reaction, it was exactly the impact he had when we were together. I want to really make sure that doesn’t happen again. I suppose its good to be aware that this can happen. Its all about recognising it isn’t it.
Hope you’re ok, good to hear from you, and thank you so much for your wise words.
2nd May 2021 at 6:59 pm #125453EggshellsParticipant
Hi Iliketea, Unfortunately, they are very vindictive. You are strong. You have come so far and you will make it through this too.
Try to tap into that inner strength now. Remember all those strategies you’ve used in the past to fortify yourself.
Are you able to get some legal advice – perhaps citizens advice?
Sending love and strength. xx
4th May 2021 at 10:12 am #125520
@Eggshells hi, thanks so much for your words of support. I drop back in here from time to time but sometimes because I don’t see old faces so I don’t always post, this forum was such a source of support before I think I need to invest more time here again, to help other women, like you do, and then the support is reciprocal too, not that it is about that but you know what I mean. Thanks so much for reminding me about inner strength and the journey. Hope you’re ok? xx
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