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I have had a childhood of violence. Sometimes I feel I lose my mind.
I end up in extremely painful relationships where my partners are unstable and love me And leave me…it is the 3 time I find myself agonising. None of them has been violent but very unstable. When they are like this I feel the rug is pulled from under my feet and I would let them do anything to me just not to be abandoned again. I can no longer take any abandonment, any loss, any break. I feel in the same corner…unwanted, unloved, threatened, alone. It is devastating. I keep my life together beautifully in some ways…have a wonderful son, a lovely puppy, a wonderful job I love, many very close friends…and yet I can’t free myself from this emotional trauma. Either I don’t attach to men, or when I get really to love them they leave me and I sink in my old despair. I am doing therapy but wonder if some of you has similar experiences and how you have coped with this.
Thanks x -
Hi puzzledatlife
I too had an abusive childhood…was more emotional abuse. I have definately looked for the love missing in my childhood through the relationships I’ve had. I’ve learnt through painful experience only I can heal myself – through good counselling and learning to love myself. If someone wants to control me then they are better out of my life….I learnt all this after my DV marriage ended a decade ago. I have wonderful friends and very close to my sister tho we live far apart. I have very limited relationship with abusive parent. Good luck
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Hi Puzzledatlife,
You are not alone! It is extremely common for those of us who experienced abuse in childhood to end up with abusive partners, mainly because their behaviour feels familiar to us and also because abusers know how to appear to be exactly what we are looking for – the love we never got in childhood.
I have experienced and continue to experience a lot of emotional abuse from my family, and ended up with a very abusive, psychopathic, aggressive partner who I left when he threatened violence. It was actually my ‘wake up call’ because before this I’d always thought I had a great family and that I was the problem. It was when I rang the helpline and told them about some of the things my ex had done that I realised I hadn’t seen it as as abuse as I was so familiar with it from my family, things like mocking, teasing, blaming me for everything, being cruel but somehow everything was my fault so I was denied to ever be upset with them and always had to forgive them all their cruelties.
It’s felt like a nightmare waking up to this but I also feel relieved, because I want to break this pattern and heal. Like you I’ve never had stable relationships, I always end up with very (detail removed by moderator), vain, arrogant and cruel men who lie and cheat. I don’t seem to attract the healthy ones but hope with healing I will attract a healthy partner one day.
There are a lot of good books about this sort of thing, have a look at books about healing from trauma like ‘The body keeps the score’ and childhood healing books by authors like John Bradshaw in your library/amazon as I think they will complement your therapy and help you heal (I slowly work through books like this, currently I am reading one about boundaries which is good).
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I was abused as a child physically then sexually as teenager by family member I ‘ve been using sex as a tool for love in relationship every man I been in relationship has abused me in every way I know found a decent man and am scared that my experience will scare him off don’t know what to do I don’t deserve him and his real love for me help I’m at breaking point
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Sorry Girls…We are on the same boat. I wasn’t abuses sexually. Only beaten up regularly. But I was told i was a dirty girl and usually beaten up if found with make up or in the company of boys, even if they were just friends. I grew with the idea i am good for sex but not worthy of love. Tvchiller I wish I could tell you how to deal…I know what you feel. It’s like if they are with me there must be a reason. They can’t like me, they can’t live me. I end up pushing and testing them, till they snap and leave me and then I end up in the same place I know…the place in which people go because i am impossible to love. I hope you manage to find a way and let me know if you do.
I guess now that we are aware we can count till ten before saying anything, we can be anxious and say to ourselves that it comes from within, not from them.
I hope we recover. I know we must not let the past define who we are and it is so difficult.
Let me know if you find a way, I will do the same with you and will be thinking about you x -
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I was bullied an awful lot at school. So much so, I grew afraid of any social situation.My Dad was distant and cold and although Mum is a lovely person, she relied on me for emotional support. So because I have low defences, I have been trapped by very bad people at times.
I still have fear of others. I want to be loved and protected; I do sympathise with you. It’s good you are having therapy and have a child and a puppy, friends and a great job. I think that as you work through your grief things will get lighter for you and the burden of your childhood will be lifted.
You are you, not your childhood, you are a lovely vibrant person. You cope brilliantly. -
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