26th July 2020 at 5:45 pm #111048
He’s sick with a terminal illness but well enough to get up & about, chat with friends or organise appointments that suit him. He chats away with people, laughs & is completely focused, but when I or the social worker try to get information from him or discuss further actions he suddenly becomes frail, confused, teary & forgetful.
He tells us he’s feeling ill, in pain or unwell, but this only happens when it suits him to avoid anything he doesn’t want to deal with. And he convinces most people, completely! I think he believes his own lies totally…
Does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with this?
27th July 2020 at 10:57 am #111069HeadspinningParticipant
I’m not sure how to deal with it but I always felt mine believed his own lies too. Often to the point I would doubt myself.
He creates carnage in terms of his temper, lack of financial responsibility, bossiness, attitude and when it’s all over, we are separated suddenly he is the poor victim who is hard done by.
I honestly believe he does think he is the poor victim and I’ve somehow duped him out of a happy family life on purpose and am now conspiring to ensure he is left with nothing.
Never mind that he came to the relationship with nothing, contributed little financially and caused the ending himself!!
I guess you just have to hold onto your truth and try not to be dragged down by it. Take the emotion out of interactions and try to minimise contact if possible.
In theory don’t look at what he is saying to others – but I do find that bit hard to stick with!! X
27th July 2020 at 2:42 pm #111075BettertimesaheadParticipant
Mine thought he was v supportive, made big thing of it and in his head he was. But only in the things that suited him at a time that suited him.
28th July 2020 at 5:55 am #111107CatjamParticipant
It’s always their version of the truth. He wants me to tell him what he has done so he doesn’t do it anymore but when I do he denies or diminishes it. His latest which is priceless is that I need to let go of the past so we can move forward.
I think they twist it so much in their own heads so it keeps them as the hero and everyone else is the idiot or attacking them.
Totally messes with your head though.
28th July 2020 at 7:59 am #111111
Thanks, it helps just knowing that other women are seeing the same behaviour. Whilst I objectively know that he is doing this, part of me wonders if it’s just me. Many years of brainwashing & gaslighting will do this, I suppose…
28th July 2020 at 10:55 am #111120maddogParticipant
Abusers live in their own reality. They’re so vulnerable to any hint whatsoever that they could be wrong. While they may face the outside world with charm and confidence, it’s a sham. When we fell in love with these people, we fell for the front. We fell for the false self. It’s not us being stupid. It’s them being predatory.
28th July 2020 at 12:22 pm #111123HeadspinningParticipant
@catjam – I totally get the whole “let go of the past” line!!
If I mentioned something he had said or done the day before -even earlier that same day – I was ”dragging up the past” and trying to just keep the argument going…
But it was fine for him to bring up things from years earlier Where I had done something wrong or he had done something supportive to justify himself!!
Double standard or what!!
28th July 2020 at 12:31 pm #111125ConfusedandOverwhelmedParticipant
Just following this thread makes me cringe. Hearing ‘hero’ complex and double standards etc. You are not alone. Abusers use EVERYTHING to maintain control. To make themselves right and everyone else wrong.
28th July 2020 at 1:58 pm #111128
I think it is part of the pattern. My ex invested a great deal of energy convincing himself and others that he was a victim and I was to blame for neglecting him because I refused to put up with his nonsense anymore. It was actually really bizarre to not be able to have a simple conversation with him without chaos, then see him flip and have perfectly normal, reasonable telephone conversations with someone else, then flip straight back to nonsense again! They will do anything not to take responsibility or accountability for the choices they make and those include the choices they make to be abusive towards us. I think it is always one of the key things that sets this kind of relationship apart from ‘normal’ relationships is the fact that you can never, ever have a simple conversation about anything! You just can’t. Lies and making up false and fantasy situations like the blurting out ‘I’ve got cancer!’ in the middle of an argument. Mad.
29th July 2020 at 9:24 am #111167
Hi again Wiseafter. That thing about telephone conversations hit home for me. I just couldn’t understand that flip from normal to n********t. It was so unreal, so weird I couldn’t explain it. He denied it.
So, often I ended up presuming it was just me overreacting out of the “emotional problems” he kept insisting I had.
My heart is breaking for the me that was fed lies, lies, lies…
1st August 2020 at 6:43 am #111355iliketeaParticipant
@wiseafter so true! Not being able to have a simple conversation without chaos! You summed it up there! Xx
28th July 2020 at 3:56 pm #111136
Hi again – ‘confused, angry, tearful and forgetful’ are absolutely what we feel after we have participated in the constant roller coaster ride of attending and responding to our partners crazy demands, silent treatment, lying, betrayal and crazy-making. We need time, healing, space and support to recover and relearn how to pay attention to our own feelings, wants and desires. If you haven’t been in it, you just don’t get how hard that actually is.
29th July 2020 at 9:21 pm #111198LizziecatParticipant
My husband will accuse me of doing something “all” the time or call me unspeakable things in one breath and deny ever saying them the next. When I confront him about his rages or abuse he grabs his head in exasperation and (detail removed by moderator). He makes himself out to be some saint. I actually believe he believes his owns lies.
30th July 2020 at 8:15 am #111216
Gosh, Lizziecat, sounds similar to what happened to me.
He would either quietly listen to me when I discussed something he’d said/done that upset me, made no sense or was just untrue, then just say nothing, or he’d deny he did/said whatever it was, looking me straight in the eyes. Then maybe simply comment that I’m “tired”, or “too upset to talk about this” and refuse to talk any further. And of course I’d sit there wondering if he’s right – it’s all me.
I think it was worse because he was never angry, physically abusive or even exasperated. He just simply, calmly assured me I’m wrong. I get cold shivers thinking about it…
31st July 2020 at 10:36 pm #111332LizziecatParticipant
It is like they follow a manual. The more I read these posts, the more my eyes are opened. Another favourite tactic is to accuse me of being mentally ill. He will feign concern or just downright rage at me telling me that he genuinely believe I am sick. For a while I began to doubt my own sanity until I realised what he was doing. The scariest thing is how he can look me straight in the eye and deny something he did a few seconds earlier. Complete crazy making. I am still being punished for his last rage. However, this time I have held my nerve and have consulted a solicitor.
1st August 2020 at 6:40 am #111354
1st August 2020 at 10:53 am #111367
Reading this again and remembering when my partner used to physically walk out of the room when I was in the middle of talking to him. He just left the room or the house on occasion! And I would shout after him in exasperation – ‘where are you going? I’m in the middle of talking to you!’. If we were in the car and i was talking, he would always without fail randomly interrupt me to point out something. After a while I just stopped talking unless I was responding to him. I just gave up. He didn’t like eye contact unless he was angry then he would glare at me with so much hostility, but if I was talking he would be looking at the screen/his phone/TV etc etc or even feigning sleep. Really made me feel like I didn’t exist. If I was upset he would lose patience very quickly and then get annoyed or go out. If we needed to talk about something important it was never the right time, he would always have to schedule a time/day – used to drive me crazy.
1st August 2020 at 12:37 pm #111370EscapeeParticipant
Hi Yellowbird; everyone;
A very wise woman said to me that the reason he wasn’t able to take responsibility for his behaviour is because he’d have to acknowledge that he has behaved atrociously and the guilt of that knowledge is too much for him to accept…..she hoped he would get there one day.
Even though I am now longer with him, he still constantly puts me down whenever we have contact.
Ladies, you’re not imagining it – it really is their inability to openly reflect and accept that they need to own their behaviour.
1st August 2020 at 3:09 pm #111380Lotus20Participant
Same here, I feel very manipulated and feel sick about it.
When I asked him to help me (detail removed by moderator). It’s just the way he is so irritated that I asked him for help and I know he had to think to himself and came back to help to make it up. But still couldn’t help himself not showing signs of irritability as if I’m done something wrong.
Same things with the garden, I have already consulted with him that I will ask a gardener to come and help us to remove the unwanted stuff and garden things for us. And he said I should do, but then he changed his mind and said he would help instead, note he never touches the garden and says I don’t enjoy gardening as much as you do but I like to be in a nice environment. This is after I have said how hard it is for me to ask for his help.
He came home after he walked baby to sleep. The door was locked as we made it a habit to do so because otherwise baby would get herself out. He rang the bell and I was in the garden. This was nought to get him very annoyed. (Detail removed by moderator) I should also add that it was may be only a mins or 2 before I go to the kitchen and see him from the window and opening the door.
He puts baby up and comes back asking me did baby had a nappy. And again some kind of questioning me. Looking at the pram showing that it’s wet. I didn’t think of it as a big deal and quickly sprayed and wiped it (detail removed by moderator).
He came and with a very stressed voice asked to talk, this is of of the very few times coming from him to talk it is always me suggesting or asking talks and clarifications and communication. He said he said that it is difficult and that if I want to be on his side on solving our issues. I sadi yes I am as I was totally scared but open to have this talk. He said (detail removed by moderator). He does not think that I am a friend. I asked him tell me what can I do..he said(detail removed by moderator). It does really heart. It hearts when he touches me and tries to be close to me one mins and the next he accuses me,, criticizes me, or controls me or emotionally manipulates me through our baby.
Because I wanted to be open I expakiend all the incidents and whilst being very careful and respectful I was also getting emotional as the emotions were coming back. However I didnot said anything to heart him I also said that I have been locked out lot of times and even by self, I never thought that is deliberate and I know that’s because we got ourselves to this habbit. I explained the garden situation and in response he only said (detail removed by moderator), but what was it, it was me being withdrawn and I told him this is my way of protecting myself and also him by not touching my emotions and just being friend whenever I get hurt. I get hurt by his snapping, irritibality, controlling actions and I also mentioned these to him. He started becoming more defensive and said that I am snapping him, that when I could see where this is going, it was not to help me, it felt more like a game. More than before getting clear, saying (detail removed by moderator). He is now using different strategies to get at me. That’s when I said if it feels that I’m snapping at you that’s when I should stop this as it does not going to help and I accused myself. I siad that’s why we need to talk about things with a Councillor. I feel scared and stressed and I left.
Next mins he is in the room with me saying, I only came to talk about my feelings as this has been my always way of talking, I always said let’s focus on our emotions and that would (detail removed by moderator). He was still very stressed and said yes I snapped at him, he was not at all talking about his feeling and just saying I snapped at him and insisting on this. This is an obvious game, I told him I dont continue this and please leave me alone. He was still there and trying, but only making the situation worst by his being defensive and accusative. (Detail removed by moderator).
I feel very worried now, what is he going to do? He is feeling frustrated as he does not know where all this is coming from, he does not see his own behavior and agression and now he feels helpless because he see he can not buy me back to hi
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