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    • #64217
      meand4
      Participant

      Like the title says my abuser has died. I have been really struggling. Given his life style choices this was always a possibility.and I used to think this would be the solution to everything. But now it’s happened I just feel guilty for not feeling sadder for his loss. I feel devistated for our children. They are too young to remember him and now he is gone when they do ask questions I feel I will have to paint him in a nicer light. And leave out the hell he put us through. I’m feeling so conflicted.do I send condolences to his parents. I haven’t had any comunication with them since I left him.I have no idea what I’m supposed to be feeling it goes from sad to relief back to sad again.

    • #64218
      survivorandproud
      Participant

      Hi meand4,

      I am sorry for the way you are feeling right now. I have not had your experience regarding an abuser passing away, however, I can give my own personal advice. Do not feel guilty because of this, there is only so much you can help someone or keep giving them chances. I also would not paint him in a different light, I would not inform your children of everything if they are young, however, do not cover up the abuse you went through just because your abuser has passed away. The passing of your ex does not validate the abuse you went through, nor change him as a person. It will evidently be a shock and the love you felt for him will possibly come back as you will be feeling a mix of emotions. Sometimes abusers may suffer from addictions, mental health or say they will commit suicide. It is not our fault if this one day happens. It is a shock when anyone you know passes away, but do not forget how strong you were to walk away and what you have achieved. Yes your abuser has passed away, but many women like us in abusive relationships can sometimes end up losing their own life. Sending love x

    • #64220
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      As you say, his lifestyle meant this was always on the cards, but its bound to be a shock too.

      It’s not your fault he’s dead, there was nothing to be done you did everything you could before realising the only way was out.
      An ex of mine had a close call and it was a shock, but he made sure I knew about it when I hadn’t heard from him in years, course I didn’t want him to die, no matter how sad his life or the abuses,but its nothing to do with you or I

      It’s a very difficult time for all, and there mightn’tbe a right thing to do for the family. If you send condolences they can turn that as being wrong, its tough one. Do what you and your kids needs to do to be able to move on.

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