This topic contains 5 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Eggshells 1 day, 16 hours ago.

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  • #107887
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Here’s how I’ve found abusers work. Most people have a vertical line of people they care about so it might start with children at the top, then working down the line…. partner, parents, friends and so on.
    Abusers have a horizontal line, I like to imagine a washing line and each of the people in their lives are pegged on that line. Imagine them all pegged up there horizontally. So an abuser will simply pick one off when they need something. All these people have the same value or non value depending on what the abuser can gain from them. So at any moment he may pick you, or a friend cos he needs something. They lack empathy, depth and the ability to bond. My abuser would take favours from friends then ridicule them to me. I’m sure he was doing the same thing about me. If you’re still with an abuser, run for the hills, run fast and don’t look back 🏃‍♀️ 💕

  • #107892
     Chestnut 
    Participant

    Really good and totally see this! The using friends for favours while talking badly about them. I always saw it but only really understood it in the last few months. It happened a couple of months ago and I thought he has picked his next project. He said something odd about so and so I bet he would do that if I asked him because he is nice and I said yes but why would you ask him to do that? I can’t explain the context as it will be deleted but he was actually telling me he thinking like the washing line!! He always had a couple of no go areas though in terms of saying anything that could be thought of as negative, his immediate family. This was extreme though In his case,everyone is protective of family.

  • #107903
     KIP. 
    Participant

    My ex seemed to be protective of family but would subtly repeat negative things they had done or pass on humiliating stories about them but if I was to ever mention this he would immediately become defensive. You can’t win at all with an abuser because their brain isn’t wired like ours x I wonder if they subtly discredit people close to them Because they are aware of their nature and if that comes out, the abuseR can say, I told you he was this or that. They try to cover all bases.

  • #108265
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Totally get this too. All nicey nice when he wants something from someone. Then discards for the next person who can give him what he needs. I love the peg picture, its just like that isn’t it, like we’re rag dolls pegged up there, waiting, blowing about in the wind, in all that hot air…

  • #108409
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    I love this analogy! Very true indeed. I had a so-called female friend once, who I only really found out who she truly was by living with her. And she had this horizontal line going on with her prey. I used to say she had several card games going at the same time and when dropped off for whatever reason, she’d have to replace them because she had a con and a game going on with all of us on that horizontal line.

    She had a son who was married with a new baby and very young for all that, he goes to get credit somewhere and buy something and lo and behold she had been taking all his credit card apps in the mail, filling them out and using the cards to run them all up when she got them. His credit was ruined by her.

    She had similar cons going on with all of us at the same time. She had me convinced that since she was on disability then it would be good if I bought all the groceries and did the cooking. I’m a cook and love doing it for people so what a wingnut I was, I went for it. Poor her and all that. But about 7 of us were doing her bidding. Btw, her disability was a con as well.

    I became aware and ratted her out to everyone, including her son. When I was packing up to leave all she said to me (I gave her a copy of the long letter I gave to all these people) was – why did you tell? I said – because you are ruining people’s lives. She then says – can I help you pack? If you need anything let me know!

    And I know she rushed and hustled to replace us all on her horizontal line. In fact I knew of one before she moved away to go sponge off her mother. So yes, they do do this.

  • #108444
     Eggshells 
    Participant

    Oh my goodness. I never thought of it like that before! Thanks KIP.

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