abuser's bad influence

[lover of no contact]

If someone who I think is close to me, makes the cmment to my abuser-ex (maybe knowing I was within earshot) “What is SHE doing here?”

It was my adult-daughter. I think I’m deluding myself that she values me and respects me. Her behaviour says otherwise.

[KIP.]

Hey, this must be very painful for you but please remember she is just another victim of his terrible behaviour. Im sure she is brainwashed just as we were. However, i had to make my son very very aware that i will not tolerate any abusive behaviour from him towards me. It was very hard for me but i wont tolerate this behaviour. The last thing i said to him was i love him and he knew where i was if he needed me and ive left it there. I cannot allow this behaviour to drag me down again and i wont give him the power to hurt me. I have a right to live an abuse free life and if your daughter can behave this way and youre not strong enough to point this out then its no contact for your own sanity. No contact with your ex and no contact with abusers. Full stop x

[lover of no contact]

I appreciate the reply and perspective KIP. After I posted here I texted her to point it out to her that it wasn’t acceptable. I felt better after doing that.

She crossed my boundary line with her comment and the negative look she gave me. I feel better I have let her know. I won’t await her response. Her response doesn’t matter. I just didn’t want her to think I was ok about her making a comment like that about me. I didn’t address it at the time as abuser-ex would have got his ‘fuel’ from my upset and from her and me having conflict.

I needed to hear that yes unfortunately she is his victim too, like I was. And she is definitely brainwashed by him and his family. And what puts even more pressure on her relationship with my daughter is my abuser-mum (whom I have no contact with) charms my daughter and subtly denigrates me, as does ex and his family.

But I was surprised how I didn’t let it affect my day and how strong I felt in myself. That’s down to the strength I get from being on this Forum.

My abuser will be getting his ‘fuel’ delighted that my daughter has a disrespectful attitude towards me. Well I’ve come along way in that I’m not as upset as I would have been in the past.

If my daughter’s choices don’t include me, well so be it. Her choices, her life. And as you say we’re here for our adult-children but once they treat us the way we deserve to be treated.

[anna]

Sorry to hear no contact, about your daughter. It is so upsetting when they are still in contact with the abusers and more so if they are influenced and start copying dysfunctional behaviour.
My son is still in contact with my abusive parents and siblings who have nothing to do with me.
My son tried to get me to leave the relationship for a long time. and when I did, I asked him if he would be okay with it and explained that my siblings would stop speaking to me and probably him too.
I did this not because I needed his permission but if he was not going to understand it would have made it to stressful for me and unlike you brave ladies who totally made the right decision to honour and respect yourselves when your adult children are doing these things, I think I would not be so good with my son and having boundaries.
Though I have had a few issues with him.
Such as reminding him not to pass on messages from them. He kept doing it and eventually I had to point out the messages/comments was manipulative and they know perfectly well he would be passing them on!
He gave me a furious look Presumably because he thought I was saying something unkind/untrue!But he found out I was right because the minute he told her he would not pass on messages she abused him verbally down the phone
it must be sad and incredubuly stressful for you No contact, that this is happening to you. I think you handled the situation brilliantly with your daughter. Big hug

[KIP.]

Well done for pointing out her behaviour and for not letting it ruin your day. Ive become much stronger too. Time is a great healer and underneath it all i know our children know right from wrong but with such fear obligation and guilt going on, its hard for them too. Im sure as they get older and distance themselves, they will see the truth. Meantime, look after yourself x

[lover of no contact]

Thanks anna and kip. Its really helpful to get your feedback and support. My daughter’s response was not good to my text. She definitely is taking a leaf out of abuser’s dad book with her wording of the text. I didn’t get into further argument. I just needed to let her know that I wasn’t happy with her comment. Her response had triggered me, but I’ve sat with the feelings and let the tears come up last night. This is my grief.

I heard a positive thing today, someone said that with our children we have got to trust that our values and good ways they, our children have absorbed and are deep inside them and to trust all will be ok with time as you say.

I suppose she has got to ‘survive’. She is keeping her abuser dad, and abuser gran happy. She is their ‘golden-child’. Her sister is their ‘scapegoat’ and the abusers also try to alienate my ‘golden- child’ daughter from her sister who is the abusers’ ‘fuel’.

So its just not me suffering in this way.

I feel good though that I have reached the point where I will not allow myself to be disrespected and abused again.

[anna]

No Contact,
you handled that so well and more important by being calm and not arguing you have ‘modelled’ appropriate good behaviour to your daughter. If you had started arguing she would have focussed on the argument and not the issue behind it.
Your adult daughter probably knows what her Dad and gran is but probably cannot face it ( understandable as who wants to face that)
My son is the same. He knows exactly what his gran is as it was him that encouraged me to get out! But for him to face the truth would be painful. It would mean totally disconnecting from my side of the family. As like your husband no contact, my mum would influence my siblings not to see him and he is so kind hearted he would hate for people to think badly of him. Even if it was unfounded.
My attitude now is I am consistently supportive of his decisions with regard abusive family. ( I tell him he can tell me when he visits them or rings them if he wants to as I explained to him it would be horrible for him to feel he had to sneak about, (plus if i did that I would be being very dysfunctional.) I just ask him not to pass on their messages.
Basically I show him as much as I can with my behaviour that I love him more and want what makes him happy then acting on my dislike for them.
I cannot say if in the future he will leave them. ( I hope he does for his own sake as he told me my mum has started being abusive to him) but the bottom line we can only be responsible for ourselves and just show them love which is just what you are doing no contact.
It sounds like you are making good choices and hopefully your daughter in time will realise her Dad and Gran dont have her best interests at heart.

[lover of no contact]

Hi anna,

Its really helpful for me to hear attitude of being supportive of ‘your son’s decision of contact’ with regard to your abusive family. I suppose that’s what I have been doing without realising it and it is a good way to handle this difficult situation.

Like you I have no contact/minimum contact with my abusive family and abusive ex husband (and his family). All my children have regular contact with them. I never prevent this but its good for me to be reminded that its my children’s choice to be in contact with my abusive family, their abuser-dad and his family. I must continue to respect their choice (although one of my adult-children is being badly emotionally, verbally abused and smeared to other family members by her abuser dad and its hard for me to accept that she’s still in denial and can’t break out of the abusive cycle with her dad). But you too have to watch as your son is on the receiving end of abuse from his gran.

It is all about accepting other people’s choices, and other people’s denial.

I chose (after decades) to preserve my sanity and my life and go no contact with abuser-husband and my abusive mum and brother. But its good for me to be reminded my children have their own choices when dealing with abusers as they journey through life.

[Serenity]

Sorry to hear about this, LONC.

It’s so distressing when your kids treat you badly due to unhealthy contact with their dad.

My eldest was recently getting a bit disrespectful to me. He admitted afterwards that he has been feeling angry with me because his dad was telling him things about me- all untrue.

As someone once told me, we can’t stop the venom coming out of the abuser’s mouth. We can only carry on being our authentic selves and loving our kids as we think we should. We need to
play the long game and not get disheartened – the abuser will
let our children down at some point in their life, and they will see him for what he is. They will be ok, as they will have us.

At the same time, I think we need to stand up for ourselves. It’s true that we teach people what we will tolerate. I know it’s hard as being a victim of abuse, sometimes we question ourselves and our rights. I have realised that however much the abuse has affected our confidence and self-esteem, we need to protect and assert ourselves in the same way as we would protect someone else. This stops us from becoming a victim to
our children, who our ex will try to use as weapons.

[lover of no contact]

So true serenity. That’s what I have to work on…I need to protect and assert myself when necessary with my adult-children. I can’t let myself become a victim to my children when my ex is using them as weapons.

Update on my daughter, after I pulled her up on her negative comment about me and her not so nice response to that, I didn’t respond. I just left it and took a step back. After some time she got in touch with me and referred to us ending on a negative note. She then offered to do something really nice for me. We had a lovely evening together.

So pulling her up on her behaviour , stating it once and not getting into a discussion or argument worked this time. Its just so hard to do, I’m so used to saying nothing and then stewing with resentment. I hate conflict but am slowly learning conflict is ok . We can’t escape conflict when dealing with others.

I’m slowly learning to protect and assert myself with others. Small steps.

[Author]

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