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I was told this by an older friend who has been through all of this too. The relationship is well over. We are living our lives. The abuse goes on and on and on. I don’t know at what point it becomes criminal and the level of evidence for a prosecution is so high. The law is a work in practice and fails us.
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I was told ‘once an abuser always an abuser’. This was from a police officer. I think the only way to make it stop is zero contact. It’s difficult with children because they abuse you by proxy. Even then my ex found ways like reporting me for fraud. Obviously falsely but it’s still worrying to be investigated. Just keep gathering evidence and people around you who ‘get it’. Who have your back. If it’s not criminal it’s possible to go through the civil courts where the burden of proof is much less. It’s based on the balance or probability rather than beyond all reasonable doubt.
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Have you checked out the CPS page on controlling and coercive behaviour MD? The police investigate; all you need is to provide a statement of the effects on you first. Then they will gather the other evidence you have later. I totes get this as I have so much evidence I feel overwhelmed with it and dont know where to start. They need to see a pattern in the behaviour of the perpetraitor. I know I have a case, but the problem I have is there is no DA trained officers in my area – pretty shocking hey, no one, only two CID for rape and violence and the rest are typical bobbies who take the view it is a disagreement.
Each persons case will look slightly different as the perpertraitor seeks out how to control the individual (which we know only too well right), so for me its all to do with my daughter; I think your case is particularly cruel becasue he has tried to use your mental health against you x
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Hi fizzy, do you qualify for legal aid? Have you thought of a civil action for coercive control? Maybe get some advice from a solicitor. If it’s not money you go after then go zero contact. Judges should be trained in the new coercive control laws even if the police aren’t x
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Yes I have my legal aid app in, should be fine; yes I’m going to talk to my solicitor – when I can get hold of him! Knowing all this has def helped me (detail removed by moderator) for sure; you dont need to have reported to the police for the court to acknowledge the abuse (detail removed by moderator) yes. I’m zero contact now just recently – GOD IT FEELS RIGHT! I’M DONE! Left years ago but was never really out due to email only for child – I’m def out now tho!
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My ex is accusing me of his own behaviour too. I don’t qualify for legal aid. Getting anything out of him will cost ££££ and no doubt he will plead poverty. At least there’s still the house. I’m not sure it’s worth speaking to the police about this. My mental health is in shreds and the I can’t tell the children anything apart from what I’ve already told them. I can’t afford lots of good things they want. I can’t tell them that it’s because their father is spending all his (and my) financial resources on invented allegations in court.
I know from my solicitor that taking my ex to court over coercive control will cost ££££. My solicitor has loads of evidence dating back for years.
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This is financial abuse MD and can be included in your evidence later. Get your WA’s support worker to go with you to the police to make a complaint about controlling and coercive behaviour against you; make sure its a DA trained officer and report the effects this has had on you only – dont try and get evidence together – they are supposed to take a statement of the effects only at stage one – they should also recognise that the state of the person’s head is a mess; be viewed as vulnerable x
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Hi worrywart, initially I desperately wanted him to contact me and make everything better. It was the effects of abuse. Craving what was normal to me. It was so hard trying to live as a free person. But these feelings will pass and you will be absolutely grateful he left you alone to recover and put as much distance between you as you can meantime. Any contact needs to be ignored until our brain works out he’s a danger and an abuser. Abusers never really go away. It’s upto us to keep the barriers strongly in place x
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hi KIP i know what you are saying and i suppose he has not really gone cus he picks up our son every week to stay at his place (i never show my face when he does)…i suppose its because i cant believe that he has cut me off completely after years of being together and he probably knows that he is getting to me in that way by giving me the silent treatment x
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When I told my now ex that I wanted a divorce because he condoned the violence of a child against a parent he flew into a silent rage. From there on in he had to take absolute control. Within days I had a letter from his solicitor threatening to throw me out of the house. I just want him out of my life.
It’s a massive change for the better without him. I think the problems lie in the continued abuse.
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Anyone who works with perpetrators, from Pat Craven (of the freedom programme and the dominator book) to police to respect, can tell you they very rarely change.
This is a fact that needs to be the accepted basis in law so that women af children are properly protected and not endlessly made refugees just to be able to have a basic human right to feel safe.
If this was the basis in law once established what hes capable of, it should be expected and anticipated that a perp remains a grave risk and more so even, and only allowed access to ther cilren after proven successful transformative treatment. Otherwise perp just goes on to perp more, and the risk continues.
Its avoidance of the real issues and side-stepping, it needs tackling head on.
Warmest wishes
TS
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Nobody seems to know quite what my ex is trying to achieve apart from to cause me harm. I have a few appointments next week and will seek advice on going back to the police. I am hesitant as I’m not quite sure what’s going on or exactly what I’m complaining about. Sometimes my head feels as though it’s about to explode.
I do not trust the civil courts as far as I could throw them.
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MD, this is because of the abuse; try to write something down on the effects this has had on you only for now; just the effects. Take this with you.
Print a copy of the CPS page off on controlling and coercive behaviour – high light the lines that make perfect sense to you / feel like yes this is me.
Same has happened to me – ‘false allegations’ are recognised as just this in this particualr crime; police should be able to see this as they gather the evidence.
You must see a police officer familiar with DA; other bobbies cant see it. They assume its a dispute and that he is exercising his rights. Take a support worker for sure.
You can do this; you are so very right, this needs to stop x
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I don’t have these diagnoses on my medical records!! I really don’t! He has flying monkeys in officialdom who believe him though. Harassment it certainly is. I just don’t know at what point his behaviour becomes illegal? I really don’t want to waste police time. Like all the rest of the abusers, he needs to be stopped. I don’t believe the (detail removed by moderator) are any use whatsoever.
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For what it’s worth I’m going through similar. My ex is writing the most atrocious lies. Everything abusive he did to me he’s now accusing me of doing to him. Changing his story every turn. Can’t even keep his story straight. Hopefully once there is (detail removed by moderator) everything will come out. Just hold onto your truth. He has no evidence whatsoever. My ex actually said I was diagnosed with a mental illness. I never ever was. The only person who diagnosed me was him. The bare faced lies are outrageous. It’s very difficult being on the receiving end but he’s really just exposed himself x
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I know that I will be seen in a dim light for not consenting to tests based on a false allegation. I should not have to prove a negative when there is nothing in my interest to do so. It really is like being raped by proxy. I don’t want any of my ex’s henchmen anywhere near my body, let alone an invasive test. It seems truly as though he can say whatever he likes without evidence to back it up.
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If he said you were dyslexic, would you have to prove that. If he said you had an STI would you have to prove that. If he said you had a leg missing would you have to prove that. The burden of proof is on him. Why play these games? He’s simply stringing things out and enjoying himself. Are you getting legal advice telling you to do so? What would be the consequences to simply disengage?
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KIP, what you say makes sense. What is going on makes no sense. My legal counsel says I should consent to having these invasive tests done in order to prove a negative. My GP has a different idea but can only deal with medical facts. I have been referred to mental health & will hopefully get a report from them. MH I hope will be able to say that these tests are all and only about power and control. I would love to disengage. It is costing £££££££. I have no choice. My ex has acted with vitriol and hatred and nobody knows quite what he thinks he’s going to achieve. When I’ve been to my appointments, I will report to the DA team at the police. I so want it to stop. It is mashing my head.
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You don’t need to prove a negative. It’s upto him to prove his case. There is no diagnosis to disprove. It’s ridiculous. That’s like me having to take a test to prove I’m sane when my ex calls me delusional. I’d never thought of using his behaviour in court as coercive control but I can see a clear pattern. Lie, deny, abuse, gaslight, threaten, trigger. All via a solicitor. Maybe ring Rights of Women for a fresh look at your case x
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I shouldn’t need to prove a negative but I’ve been told I must ‘to rule it out’. My ex is under no obligation whatsoever to substantiate his claims. It is absolutely about coercive control. He’s a n****r (detail removed by moderator). I’ve got through to RoW once. Other times I have dialled for the full 2 hours and not got through. It’s very frustrating! I think I will have to speak to the police about this. It is driving me nuts and I have been unable to function.
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From my experience once you’ve ruled it out he will simply change the goal posts. They don’t actually mean half the things they say. They just make ridiculous accusations. This is where s solicitor with knowledge of abusers should be able to spot the difference between an abuser and a rational individual. Keep reaching out to anyone you can think for a different opinion.
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If you can’t through Rights of Women, try call again another time, very early in the morning for example.
You call Victim Support 08 08 16 89 111 also to help you
I second above advice to NOT go through with playing his games, today it’s MH, tomorrow it will something else. No.
Get legal support from someone else. -
I have some truly wonderful people looking after me and the children. My solicitor works with WA so ought to know her stuff.
My ex would certainly pass a lie detector test. His lies are his reality. In truth there is nobody there. He must have an awful lot of money to be behaving as he is. Unfortunately I have no choice but to cough up as well. -
Finally a ray of hope. It is without question that my ex husband has defamed me and it is without question that he is abusing me financially. I found a website and paid a fiver and asked and asked and asked. It’s so difficult knowing what to ask. I finally feel a bit more that the law can work for me. Not that my solicitor lets me know this. £££££ kerching kerching
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