Abusive friendship

[Avocadosushi]

TLDR: I was in a manipulative friendship with a girl (‘A’) and she made me feel like I was not good enough unless I did as she told me. We are not friends anymore. But was it really an abusive friendship?

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I have written in the Survivors’ Forum before, but in regards to my Dad. However, I now believe I am in an abuse friendship, but I am not sure if this is possible? Can friends be ‘abusive’ like parents or partners can?

Once I have begun to understand my situation I would like to write an anonymous article about my experiences in my student newspaper.

I have been friends with a girl (let’s call her A) for (detail removed by moderator).

We met (detail removed by moderator) at university that (detail removed by moderator) and became incredibly close very quickly.

After rehearsals, we would get drinks and talk about the most intimate details of our lives. She would speak about her family’s financial issues and I would open about my abusive relationship with my Dad. It worked both ways. I would comfort her, she would comfort me. And during these dinner dates, we would feel a sense of catharsis.

Throughout the summer we spoke a lot on social media, as we didn’t live in the same part of the country. When we got back to university we spent almost every day together. She would usually ask to come to my house for dinner. We would make a tasty meal and drink expensive wine.

‘A’ told me about how she would fly first class, her parents only drank fancy wine, and they owned a (detail removed by moderator). I would tell her about my family’s rich past.

However, when we were around other people, she would start making fun of the things I had told her in confidence. She would mock the fact that I had gone to private school. She would laugh and so would everyone. I brought this up with her but she made me feel bad, saying I had made fun of myself in the past about this and she was just laughing with me, after all, ‘I knew it was a joke’.

She had started dating a guy almost at the same time we had become friends. However, this guy had been my best friend up until that point and then stopped speaking to me when they got together. At first, I thought this was just a coincidence. We had grown apart, that was it.

Whenever I asked her if she could speak to him about it, because he wouldn’t speak to me, she would get annoyed, saying that it was none of her business because he and I were friends before she got together with him.

I, therefore, lost all the friends I had when I was friends with him because he lived with them. I was cut off. She spent lots of time with that group. She slipped in, I slipped out. She was my only communication with my old friends. But I tried not to make it weird. I tried not to speak about them. But we would get drunk and she would bost about the great times they had had the other day together, or show me pictures of them on her Instagram. I never appeared on her Instagram, and yet I was with her every, single, day.

Whenever I asked to take an Instagram story of us together she would tell me ‘I look really bad today, please don’t get me in the picture’. And yet, the next day, when she was with her other friends (my old friends) she would post pictures of them all together having fun.

Whenever I went to pick her up at her house, she wouldn’t invite me in. She would run out and we would leave. The one day we did decide to study at her house, I asked her if I could make a cup of tea in her kitchen and she told me not to because her flatmates were in the kitchen. So, she made the tea for me. I thought this was odd – was she embarrassed for her flatmates to meet me? So, later I went into the kitchen to test this idea. I got myself a glass of water and she followed after me. Her flatmate was in there and I started a friendly conversation. All went fine. But the whole time, ‘A’ was standing at the other side of the room giving me weird looks, and occasionally would chip in snide remarks about me to put me down in front of her flatmate.

Once we had an argument outside a pub because she had told me I needed to learn to ‘adjust’. She said her dad had taught her this and she had always thought it very important. I didn’t understand what she meant. She went on to explain that I should adjust who I was according to the situation I was in. I told her of course I did that! Yes, I am bubbly and outgoing, but when I am with my boyfriend’s grandparents, for example, of course, I quieten down a little. But she meant more than that. She meant I should CHANGE who I fundamentally was depending on the circumstance. I thought this an awful way to live, and so we had to agree to disagree.

Effectively, throughout the friendship, she would tell me what I should and should not wear, what wine to drink, how to do my make-up, who to be friends with, and if I was to meet her parents, I would have to ‘adjust’ myself, otherwise they would not take to me.

I was honestly sick of her not accepting the person I was. I kept thinking she was doing it to help me, but it really just made me feel like she didn’t like me for who I was. I was her doll. She wanted to make me into someone she wanted me to be.

The last straw happened one evening when I had ASKED HER if I could meet her boyfriend to resolve our issues. I had wanted to do this so that we could all hang out and be friends. I hoped this would reduce the strain on my friendship with ‘A’.

I met up with her boyfriend (‘B’) and we had a great time. It was like nothing bad had happened between us. We could be friends again!

(Detail removed by moderator)

I was beginning to sense that she was possibly jealous I had become friends with her boyfriend again and was gaining a friendship with one of her friends.

(Detail removed by moderator)

We didn’t speak after that.

But, then I realised I needed closure. So, I asked her to meet me at a pub to speak things through.

She didn’t understand that shouting at a friend like that was wrong. She thought I should have been understanding that she was ‘upset’, even if it did seem uncalled for and aggressive.

She asked me if I wanted to add anything and I, regrettably, admitted that I felt she had bullied me in the past and been a bit of a manipulative friend.

This is now the reason why I am writing here today. She told me I had always been the manipulative one. She told me I would make myself out as the victim with all my friendships and then be a ‘b****’ and a ‘s*** friend’. She said I had a victim’s complex and that the friends I had lost from her boyfriend’s friendship group didn’t like me but didn’t want to say it to my face, so they just ghosted me.

Now, I don’t know what to believe. Was she the manipulator or was I? Who was the victim? Did she abuse me or me her?

I don’t understand and just want to sort this out in my head.

Thank you 🙂

[Iwantmeback]

Hi and welcome to the forum. In answer to your question, yes friends can be abusers too just as much as parents, partners, it’s also prevalent in the workforce too.
‘A’ is most certainly abusive. She’s manipulative,controlling, she’s gaslighted you. She’s projecting who she is onto you, please don’t believe her lies any more. Your friends did not ghost you, i bet any money on the fact, she’ll have spread lies about you to them, and about them to you. She’s done her utmost in keeping you separate from anyone who would see her treat you badly, the snide comments in the kitchen, when you went for water were probably so under the radar that her flatmate wouldn’t have realised what she was doing. These people exist in all walks of life. I watched ‘Cheat’ on tv recently, your friend sounds exactly like the young woman in that. It’s very hard to out these people, the best thing you can do is ignore anything and everything she does now or in the future unless she becomes dangerous. You can get a non molestation orders against ‘friends’ just as much as against ex partners.
Have you tried writing down her behaviour, start from most recent and go backwards. Try working on healing yourself, find out what your boundaries are and what you’ll put up with from people in future.
Well done in posting on here and reaching out. Women’s aid are not just for women who’ve been abused by partners, they’re there for women who have been abused period.💞 kerp psying and reading others posts, knowledge is power. You are amazing and you’ve been through a terrible relationship.
IWMB 💕💕

[fizzylem]

Good riddence! Friends are kind, loving and supportive – they leave us feeling good about ourselves – this person doesn’t know how to be a good friend.

Even if there was some difficulty in this boyfriend’s friendship group, she didn’t help the situation, a true friend would be saying things in support of you, would attempt to try and help everyone get past it, whatever it is. I wouldn’t trust a word that comes out of her mouth tbh, it does seem that for some reason she wanted to keep you and others seperate. This is controlling behaviour.

When we experience abuse from a parent, we learn to tolerate things that would ordinarily be unaccepatable behaviour; put others before self; our boundaries are trampled, we are unsure just how much we should let slide and usually assume it’s me that needs to relax here, it’s not really that important, but what we’re actually doing is saying to ourselves and the world ‘I’m not important’.

We’re unsure where and when to draw the line, when to spell it out with folk, when to say what is and not ok for me – but we need to. Abusive parents set us up for this happening again in the future in all our relationships – you need to find your voice, a kind, respectful voice, and when you first feel something doesn’t sit with you, address it, rather than wait until it has happened numerous times a year or so down the line.

For a long time I didn’t think I had a choice when it came to friendships, I tried to be freinds with everyone – thing is, it’s really important we do choose who we spend our time with – we all have ‘my people’, those who get you and you them, those who love you just the way you are. It’s ok to walk on by, essential really. Life is short and precious, be with those who make you smile, yes we all need a bit of emotional support sometimes, but not all the time – we need to have fun with a friend too.

In my experience, any relationship that has started out being an ’emotional support’ (is formed on that basis), usually ends badly, because it’s like this person only really wants me to be their emotional support and nothing else.

Another red flag for me was when you said you both always hung out at yours; yes there may well be a reason for that, but we all need to feel that we take turns in a relationship, if she didn’t want to invite you in, she could have made sure she invited you out instead, instead of hanging at yours all time – because this suited her.

I had a friend once that would never do anything, she only ever suggested that I call in at hers for a cupper – this wasn’t friendship as it was all on her terms, this is controlling behaviour, I didn’t really want to go for a cupper half the time and I started to feel resentment driving over again. I ended it, or rather I just slipped away. It was not equal, fair or shared. Sometimes we go places with a friend because this is what the friend would like to do and because we just want to be with the friend – the where is irrelevant really, and we are open to enjoying whatever happens, going to places we otherwise probably wouldn’t have – that’s what friends do. There’s a joy in knowing you helped make it happen for him/her as well – she just didn’t get this, because it was ‘all about what I want’ with her. All relationships are give and take, those that take, take, take need to go. FL. x

[WhichWayIsUp]

Yikes. She sounds almost professionally abusive, in my opinion. She pretty much replaced you in your life; like when you go to Google maps and pick up the little person character and dangle them and then drop them in a different part of the map.

I’d say most definitely it was an abusive relationship, and she must come from a place of great weakness for her to need to do that to someone. I mean; we’re all damaged but we don’t feel the need to pay it forward.

It’s excellent in terms of progress that you’ve come here and written all this down. The fact that you’re asking shows that you knew in your heart of hearts that it was abuse. (As I’m typing this, I’m thinking “Hey you! Read your own words! Pay attention!”)

I’m relatively new here, but so grateful for it. Make sure you keep coming back, because it’s honestly the greatest thing. All the hundreds of thousands of thoughts that don’t make sense in your head and keep you awake at night, you can come here and try to type them in some sort of order, and people will help.

x

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