Abusive husband with terminal illness must move out, problems with autistic kids

[YellowBird]

Hi folks, I’ve just joined after looking at so many posts here for weeks. I’m also new to forums in general, so excuse me if I make mistakes or do it wrong!
I’m at the beginning of my journey of healing from mental & emotional abuse from the husband. It’s gone on for many years, but I always excused his behaviour, saying I was lucky he doesn’t drink, take drugs, have affairs nor ever physically hurt me. Only now am I seeing the damage done from years of gaslighting, subtly putting me down & encouraging me to think that I’m a bit crazy. He also has a spending addiction and several secret bank accounts. He lies to me, about me, about others and to himself as easily as breathing in & out. Only in the past year have I found out about him doing the same to the kids and turning them against me – (detail removed by moderator) Reading this now, it sounds absurd, the things I just accepted when my head was filled with how “crazy” I am.

I wonder if I may ask for some advice? BTW, I live near to, but not in the UK so am not able to avail of the public services there.
I am at the stage of arranging for us to separate for a second time, but it’s complicated by the fact that husband now has a terminal illness. I let him back into the family home when he was diagnosed (detail removed by moderator) ago and given (detail removed by moderator) to live. I warned him that if his addictive, abusive behaviour continued he would have to leave. Over (detail removed by moderator) years later his health is still declining slowly, but much slower than originally expected. He is continuing the behaviour and also behaving erratically from all the strong pain meds, so I’ve been referred to a social worker to help me move him out.

1. Is there anyone else who’s had a similar situation and has ideas on how to do this? As you may imagine, it’s tricky with his health not being the best. I want to offer to help him with bringing a meal a day, collecting meds, taking him to some appointments as he has no family in the country and very few friends to help out. Is it crazy for me to offer help? Maybe I should just leave the government health system to deal with him? But there is very limited government help available to him as he is (detail removed by moderator) (strange rules in this country) and we don’t have money for any private medical help.

2. We have 2 kids (young adults) with long term mental health conditions, who have been so upset by his illness and years of his crazy behaviour that they want as little as possible to do with either of us, unfortunately. Son lives (detail removed by moderator), daughter still at home. I’m finding it very hard to stay positive when my family is disintegrating before my eyes. Husband has turned my closest friend against me, I have no family in this country.
Has anyone been through something similar? How did you pick up the pieces of your life? What keeps you going?

Thanks 🙂

 

[Wants To Help]

Hi Yellowbird,

What a wonderful, caring lady you are to still wish to put this man’s needs above your own and still continue to help him after all he has put you through. I’m sorry to read that you are still having a tough time and how this has affected you and your children.

The cynical side of me wonders… have you had confirmation from a specialist that your husband’s illness is terminal? Or has he told you this himself?

Now that you have a Social Worker, my suggestion would be that you are completely honest with him/her about the abuse and that although you are happy to do some things for him, the ideal situation would be that he is not living with you and is being supported by whatever services are there to do so.

Your husband has used coercive and controlling behaviour abuse on you for a long time, the main one being by isolating you by turning family and friends against you, even your own children, which requires you to be totally reliant on him for your needs. Clearly, you can see that and know that life will be better without him in your home. So, once that has been taken care of, you will start to pick up the pieces again little by little.

Best wishes to you, I hope the Social Worker can positively assist.

[YellowBird]

Thanks, Wantstohelp! I so much appreciate the support.
Yes, I’ve been to all the medical appointments, seen the scans, got the prognosis. Absolutely no doubt about the terminal nature of the illness. He surprised all the medical staff by recovering as well as he did, but he will die, we’re just not sure how long it will take…
And yes, I’m very kind and caring- too kind and caring, often! Hence my first question…

[KIP.]

Get out and get you and your children safe from this man before he does any more damage. He gave you permission to leave the very first time he abused you and moving on to abuse your kids will scar them for life. I’m wondering how much of their mental health problems are already down to him. There is never an excuse for domestic abuse. Separate completely. Get yourself healthy again before you even think about his health. He’s shown no concern for,you or your children’s welfare. It’s amazing how these abusers fall on their feet.

[KIP.]

Contact your local women’s aid for a safe exit plan. Leaving these men is the most dangerous time for a woman so be very careful x

[YellowBird]

Thanks KIP, this is the kind of wake up call I need, I suspect. I’m just too kind, I’ve realised – need to be way tougher on him!
Yes, the kids and I have also wondered about how much their mental health problems are down to him.
Excellent idea to contact my local womens aid centre. I have a social worker to help me, she knows the whole situation, but I don’t think she realises the trouble we might have to get him to leave. Like so many of these people, he’s a charmer that comes across as kind and genuine.
Thanks

[KIP.]

Start keeping a journal. It will help you to make sense of his nasty controlling behaviour and the effect it has on you and the kids. Ask about an occupation order to have him removed and start gathering evidence of his behaviour. Write down all the incidents of abuse and how they made you feel. Talk to your GP about counselling and read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven x time to put you and your kids first. Who knows how long he has but one minute longer with you And your kids is one minute too long x

[YellowBird]

Thanks KIP, all great suggestions. Wonderful to talk to other women who get what I’m saying. Will have a look at that book…

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