Abusive or Depressed and Angry?

[Calminthestorm]

Hi, I’m new here but I’ve been reading through the forum for a while having had issues in my marriage for over a year now. Sometimes I feel trapped in the relationship and at times feel that it might be abusive/controlled.

He has always had a temper in an argument and would step towards me, swear, call me a b***h, horrible person, grit his teeth and clench his fists at me but he’s never touched me. His Mum used to say he was Jekyll and Hyde and she used to be a big support if we’d had an argument. We’ve been together a long time since I was quite young.

Arguments are now frequent, often escalate with my husband threatening me (detail removed by moderator), and “leave me alone or I’ll smash your face into a wall”. He is loved by family/friends and they would never believe he could be like this. I dont believe he would hurt me but I need him to seek help or I can’t continue and he refuses to accept it is wrong, he blames me for causing the behaviour.

It began in (detail removed by moderator) when our baby daughter stopped sleeping at night and I returned to work – this began a cycle of tension, resentment, strain, lack of understanding or respect/empathy.

My daughter is picking up on some arguments and has started to say “Daddy/Mummy shouting” “Mummy(detail removed) sad” which I find heartbreaking and wish to protect her.

I have tried speaking to my husband about how I feel and he lacks any empathy for me, he says I always see the bad in him and think I’m perfect. Unless I have a panic attack and can not breathe he rarely responds if im upset. I have spoken to 2 of my friends and my sister in law about the issues and how bad the arguments get, as at times I have felt scared / concerned for my husband and have not known how to deal with him. However my he is unaware his sister knows as I am scared he will be angry about this.

I believe my he may be depressed and is displaying anger /aggression toward me because of this. There have been a series of events in the past(detail removed by moderator)years that have been difficult for him.

(Detail removed by moderator)
We then had a miscarriage within the year following this. We eventually had our daughter and we were very happy for 8/9 months until she stopped sleeping. We then both became very stressed and I believe he didnt want me to return to work so became resentful and lacked empathy if I was tired or upset. I was breastfeeding my daughter to sleep which was physically and emotionally very demanding. I became unwell and was diagnosed with arthritis, however my husband shows little empathy for this.
In (detail removed)my husband had an injury at a fitness class and has become obsessed with finding the cause as he has chronic pain. He has still not found the issue and is unable to run (detail removed)
(Detail removed by moderator)
He has admitted to feeling depressed but he is very adamant he wont seek help so I don’t know where to go from here

[Hawthorn]

Hi Calminthestorm,

Welcome to the forum and really well done reaching out. It takes alot of courage to reach out and begin to see what’s happening. What he is doing is abuse. The name calling, threatening behaviour designed to intimidate you, the coercive control. It’s all abuse. He is choosing to abuse you. As you said his friends and family love him, he doesn’t behave like this with them. His behaviour is deliberate and calculated to frighten you and make you submissive to him. He craves power and control, not a mutually respectful and beneficial relationship.

I have palpitations at the moment after reading your message because he sounds so like my (now thankfully ex) husband. He never laid a hand on me either…until he did. These men tend to escalate as they feel they have you more and more trapped; for me it escalated when I moved to his hometown and was isolated from my friends and family, worse again when we bought a home together, and worse again after we got married. Now you have a child together he will believe he can do what he likes.

My husband had many stressful things happen too and I also thought he was depressed. He would regularly threaten suicide when he wasnt getting his way. It kept me locked in the abuse for years. He also refused to get help.

You cant fix him. He was broken before you ever met him. None of this is your fault. Depression does not make people abusive. A desire for power and control makes them abusive. He is very dangerous so be very careful and do not confront him about his behaviour. His treatment of you in front of your child is child abuse too. He has shown you no empathy because sadly these men have no empathy, they only care about themselves.

Keep reaching out here and contact womens aid if you can. Well done for telling your sister, you might be close to his mother but he is her son and she will always take his side over you. The sad thing is he has likely been practicing his abusive behaviour on her for years. Speak to your GP and get it recorded, you will be believed and you are not alone.

I’m sure others will be along with more advice. Take the very best care. Big hugs xx

[Hawthorn]

I’m so sorry this happening to you. No one deserves to be treated this way, to be screamed at and terrorised in their own home. I’m sure this all feels so overwhelming but baby steps. Google the power and control wheel, the cycle of abuse and keep a journal so you can notice the patterns. You dont deserve this but you can escape it, sadly these men dont change, they only get worse.xx

[maddog]

He may be depressed and angry, but that’s no excuse for abuse. Please keep posting here and make contact with Women’s Aid. None of his behaviour is your fault, and you don’t have to endure it.

It’s important to keep a diary or some record of everything that happens. Please let your GP know what’s going on.

We minimise and normalise abuse, and we blame ourselves. We have nothing to be ashamed of. He’s the one doing the abuse. He’s the one doing the threatening. He’s the one calling you names. He’s the one lacking empathy. He’s the one with the dysfunctional behaviour. Your response to the abuse is normal.

Please reach out as much as you can. It may help to go Grey Rock. This means that you distance yourself from him. Don’t indulge his rants. Although it seems deeply personal, it’s not. Abusers hate being ignored. If it wasn’t you, it would be someone else.

There are so many people and organisations to guide you along this path. Well done for recognising his behaviour as abuse. It’s a massively important step. xx

[Camel]

Hello Calm,

Welcome to the forum. You’ve had great advice already so just have a few things to add.

You say this behaviour started when your daughter was born but I think it was there from the start and has escalated dangerously. He’s always controlled you with his temper. His needs have always come before yours. You get ill, he ignores it. He gets an injury, different story. He’s had some upsets and is depressed, aggressive. You actually miscarried a child and are expected to get on with things. You are both parents to your child yet he expresses no joy about it. It’s a sad fact that abusive behaviour escalates during pregnancy and after childbirth. Please don’t minimise or excuse his behaviour. Seek out professional advice. You are scared for a very good reason. Don’t ignore your feelings.

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