Accusing me of abuse

[cakepops]

I’m looking for some advice on my ex. We separated in (month removed by moderator) due to ongoing arguments and stress. As I had more time apart from him I realised how abusive he actually had been. Totally following the typical cycle of abuse – would have a few awful days of anger, him blaming me, keeping me up until 2am arguing, round in circles and picking at things I had said/done etc. followed by his going back to normal, being nice, downplaying what had happened etc. He always blamed me and/or external stress but its been many years of the same pattern. He’s also been suicidal at points and self harmed and again it was always my fault for things I’d said or done. I’m getting some help from Woman’s Aid and also my health visitor.

Anyway, fast forward to now and because we have two young kids we have regular contact. There have been issues with harassment and also conflict at handovers. I have had to restrict the amount of time the kids stay over as they have been so upset. Obviously this hasn’t gone down well.

My big concern is that he is now in contact with ‘families need fathers’, and since then his approach has suddenly changed. He has been emailing me (and copying in his solicitor) basically making stuff up about the kids. Very friendly, pretending he cares about them and that he is raising these issues to try and resolve them etc. He’s writing all sorts of allegations about things the kids have supposedly said I’ve said or done etc. He is also now saying all exchanges need to be in specific public places for his ‘safety’, and his emails are basically implying he’s scared of me too. I am terrified he’s trying to set it up to look like I’m the abusive one and also that I’m not looking after the kids. To make matters more complicated he cut off all contact with his family (detail removed by moderator)yrs ago (his choice) but since the split they are suddenly playing happy families again. I’m really terrified that he might warp the truth and pretend it was me that made him cut contact as part of my ‘abuse’. His family are genuinely bonkers so I think they’d love this narrative as it makes someone else (me!) at fault. He has previously accused me of being abusive at points e.g. that I was financially controlling (when I complained that he’d spent £900 on c**p in one month) and that I didn’t like his friends (in reference to him talking about people he had never actually met, only on Twitter), but this is rubbish. I can’t prove I’m not abusive but I also can’t prove he is.

I have little proof of the abuse, although can show he’s been emailing me loads until recently. I have kept a diary of the worst incidents, and I did report one thing to the police so that’s on file (albeit it was a menial incident, I was mainly just asking for advice on if I can change the locks but they came to see me too). I feel like he’s playing games and getting lots of advice on how to ‘win’ from FNF. What can I do?!?

[KIP.]

My ex said he was scared of me on paper yet his actions said differently. While you have direct contact with him will use this to continue his abuse. The first step would be to use a third party for all contact. If he has no contact with you he cannot make up lies. Only act on what he actually does. Worrying about empty threats and what he says he will do is a total waste of energy. My ex was full of hot air but it caused me endless worry. Try to get a contact order in place so everyone knows what they’re doing. This smear campaign is just what they do. My ex who raped me and had a criminal conviction for assaulting me managed to paint himself as a victim with some family member. They will find out the true him in time. Meantime concentrate on you and the kids. Lean on women’s aid and ring Rights for Women for free legal advice. Hopefully he will get bored when he cannot directly abuse you.

[KIP.]

Google the Grey roCk method x

[Nina]

Hi Cakepops,
Your ex sounds just like mine, he used to threaten suicide, self harm and then blamed it all on me for abusing him after I’d left. Even though he was the same throughout his first short lived marriage, before he even met me.
I was also terrified about what would happen concerning our children and access arrangements but he showed his true colours at the family court. It’s a lot harder to tell lies than the truth in the process and I represented myself and just answered the questions truthfully. For him it was all about winning, for me it was about making sure that our kids were safe.
He, like your ex, cut himself off from his family for years, but as soon as I left he was borrowing money off them again. I left with nothing but my children, not a penny, so I’d still love to hear the tale of woe that he’d invented.
I got through it all by just focusing on my children and being the best mum that I could be. It sounds bonkers but I imagined an invisible shield around me that his c*** couldn’t get through.
It was so worrying, frustrating and unjust. I used to dread the sighned for letters full of ridiculous allegations arriving then having to respond, but don’t rise to his petty games. My ex had his new girlfriend working with rights for fathers and she was doing all the correspondence to me?.. He couldn’t even be bothered to do it himself.
Just remember that he can say what he wants, it doesn’t make it true, only you know truth. I’ve found that the truth always comes out in the end at court. Law and family, even though it can take years. You’ll get through this x

[Anonymous]

Hi there, Families need fathers are great for non abusive Fathers. They’ve fought for contact and unfortunately over the last five years that’s meant contact at all costs. So father whop have been jailed for DV were being given access. So wrong. Can you ask CAFCASS or the courts to access his medical records so that you can show that he has been self harming and has a history of erratic behaviour? He might refuse disclosure and that says it all xx

[Butterflyboo]

Classic abuser behaviour, make themselves out to be the victim. It’s funny how they manage to accuse us of the exact thing they’ve done themselves. There probably isn’t too much you can actually do about it now – just keep your chin up, don’t let yourself be in a situation where he can accuse you of anything and ride it out. Eventually the truth will come out………at least that’s what I hope. Hang in there Cakepops, it’s a bumpy road and it is really unfair, but it will get better x

[Author]

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