Acknowledging my feelings is ok.

[Emptybutfree]

Hi ladies, I haven’t posted in a while, I’ve been ok, or I at least thought I was.

Things have happened in the last week or so and I can’t go in to too much detail but it’s triggered different emotions that I feel as though I’ve been choosing to ignore and I can’t ignore them any longer.

My abuser is in prison for what he did to me, I realise he was wrong and no longer blame myself (as much) with what happened.

I keep thinking to myself, tomorrow isn’t guaranteed and as much as this man hurt me, physically and mentally, I feel like reaching out. Not for him, but for me. I want him to know that I forgive him, this may sound insane to some, but I really think this will help.

I’m a human being, I care and I have compassion. What he did was completely unacceptable but is this something I need to do?

[Anonymous]

Emptybutfree, I’m glad your safe now and he can’t get to you , someone made a suggestion to me before to write letters but not send them, like putting them in water or burning them, I like to try and forgive for my own inner peace but I’m a bit worrying he might use the contact for manipulation or further contact attempts, please have a longer think about it, 💖💜💖

[KIP.]

It’s okay to have forgiveness but having contact is a totally different game. It’s like you’re still looking for his approval and validation which for me says you’re not ready

[Wants To Help]

Hi emptybutfree,

If you have forgiven your abuser this should bring peace to yourself, you should not need to let him know of your forgiveness. It makes no difference at all to an abuser whether you forgive them or not because they do not believe they have done anything to be forgiven for. This kind of contact with him he will see as you accepting ‘blame’ for the position he has ended up in. As has already been suggested, he will see this as an opening to engage with you again. He will see it as a sign of you wanting him again, a sign that you are feeling guilty for what he has done to you!

I imagine that deep down, it is not that you want him to know that you have forgiven him, it is you wanting to know that he does not blame you for the situation he is in, and that he may, upon reflection, understand what he has done to you and want to apologise; that he may feel shame or feel sorry. He won’t.

Real forgiveness comes from within ourselves and allowing us to move forward without anger or hatred, as holding on to these negative feelings about someone else only harms ourselves, not them.

You are not responsible for the situation he is in, he is. If he hadn’t have committed crimes against you then he wouldn’t be where he is now. You are right that tomorrow is not guaranteed, so use your forgiveness to move on with your life in peace for now, look forward and not back.

[Author]

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