Action – feeling I am wrong.

[Wispatea]

For so long I have been blamed for everything. Even the break down of my marriage. Now after several months of separation, counselling and on going abuse I can (most of the time) see he was the abusive one. I have in the last few days taken massive amounts of action this was spurred on by his latest cycle of luring me in then gong back to the girlfriend. I have also been open and honest about it (removed by moderator) to close friends. Not because I am angry and want to shame him but because I want to show people how abuse can be missed and over looked. Also how it can overwhelm a person and take over their world. (removed by moderator). Now feel like maybe I shouldn’t; maybe I am doing this to be spiteful; maybe I should just keep quiet and allow the abuse to continue to destroy me and my children!!! But on the other side I want to fight and shout it from the roof tops. Yes, I am angry and yes I do feel lots of anger towards him but mainly I can’t work out how to get out of the rollercoaster I am on and quite frankly I am lost at what I do next. I have tried the legal routes it hasn’t worked. I have tired being nice it hasn’t worked. I tried no communication only about the kids it doesn’t work. so now I am trying awareness. I don’t care if it gets back to him maybe he will leave me alone. I am scared it will get back to him because of what he may do next.I mean he wasn’t/isn’t scared about the lies he spreads about me. I am telling the truth.. I just know if I don’t do something I am going to end up in a worst position where I can no longer support myself or my children because I am such a mess!!!

[Wispatea]

ok I have taken the post down and was going to try to take this one down but I can’t work out how. Maybe I am angry. But I am really struggling to process this and even here feel like an outcast. I know this is silly but not one person has replied. Maybe I do need to just stop and get on with my life…

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you feel this way and you are not an outcast at all , all these emotions you are feeling are very normal after trauma , I’m not sure if you are seeking therapy for the abuse you have gone through as that might help . When I parted with my ex , I too kept lashing out in anger , wanting to hurt him for what he had put me through , I did stuff to him out of spite , I just couldn’t let go of this bitterness inside at how could I have been treated so bad . I still have good & bad days , but I’m trying to push through day by day as I won’t allow him to destroy me anymore. Please do not feel as though no one is listening to you , it’s very hurtful what they do and you have feelings unlike them . They like to paint the picture they are the victims and it’s all our fault not them , you know the truth , you don’t need to justify yourself to anyone . I understand you have children, but perhaps limiting contact with your ex would be wise or getting a third party to act on your behalf when involved with the children .

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Wistpatea, I can feel your anger and it is justified, it is also good that you recognise your own anger as if you act out of anger you may regret or you may not.. .
I started to feel into my anger earlier on in my separation (I have also been married for years and years) but it started to consume me and I found ways to let it out. Your anger is justified and not only relatable it is also understandable after everything that man has done to you over the years and continues to.

I have 2 children with my ex abusive husband, mine are teenagers (young teens) and they have both decided not to see their dad which I support. When they were still seeing him he just continued abusing me via them… he claimed to be suicidal so I did stop them then as well and called the poloce to do a welfare check on him (he was fine, just lying to me, emotional abuse).
Same as The Duchess said…. You are absolutely in the right place on this forum and not an outcast, a lot of woman cannot safely go online so responses may come later.
Keep posting ❤️ HFH

[Wispatea]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Ido know I am angry but I don’t feel my anger is hindering in fact it helping me put in boundaries which I haven’t been able to in the past. I vowed when he left after many years of marriage I would not be his side piece but that seems to have been the roll I slipped into and for unknown reasons (although I am getting to grips with trauma bond and codependent) he was able to keep me there and reel me back in again and again. I knew he had many affairs and was a regular on dating sites…

I am taking actions now so he has no assess to me even though his children, This may take a while to set up but I truly do not believe he is safe. This is to protect my children he has scared me big time over the last few months and although I have seen all his behaviours before this they are together and consistent now whereas before it may happen once a year or every other year. Having said that our oldest 2 don’t want to see him right now. But this is all too consuming and I literally think of nothing else including while asleep I wake up with nightmares.

My GP is aware and I am seeing a therapist. I also have our local DV group involved. x*x

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