Adult children manipulated to lie

[Anonymous]

So my abuser has fed my adult children lies about me some bad enough for them to cut ties and make a police report no action taken but it’s on record multiple allegations all untrue and ridiculous but How do you deal with this ? I’m broken it’s not repairable it’s so damaging to me.I’ve not slept for 2 nights it’s still abuse but with more and more people assisting

[Darcy]

Good afternoon my beautiful angel ….Tinkerbell2020,
How upsetting for you…Are you still with this man? If so you need to start thinking about leaving, gathering the advice you need and calling the domestic violence advice helpline to see what your options are.
To begin with you cannot do anything the state you are in, you need to start to take care of you, build yourself up and start by getting some sleep!
Start looking after yourself, you cannot set boundaries when you are weak and if you are living with an abuser they will sense this and just keep knocking you down.
Use what has happened to make you stronger so when the time comes you are able to present yourself to your children and they will see they were wrong by cutting ties.
I am sure they have not cut ties with you but, with you being with him. People don’t want to be around abuse and some people find it hard even frustrating to understand why someone would put up with this… could this be how they are feeling?
Stay connected on the forum
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx

[Anonymous]

Hi thanks for responding.No he was removed in (detail removed by moderator) and manipulating and has a massive smear campaign locally circulating.I have been labelled with everything negative you can think of and because of lockdown our adult children hadn’t visited most of last year so he’s invented situations to support him for a pending hearing.I’m extremely upset they’ve accepted his lies. I have been a devoted mum to my children whilst being downtrodden for (detail removed by moderator) just to receive extra abuse now from my 2 eldest children is unacceptable,they’ve witnessed the past so confused why they’ve behaved this way now saying awful things about me ,it’s damaging.How do I process this ? My younger children have been amazing and supportive without them I would have sunk completely x

[Darcy]

My Darling Tinkerbell, you need to get back into your power.
Enough of the downtrodden, build yourself back up and set your boundaries
People will always say things, but you know your truth so stand strong in it
Don’t even engage with what’s been said about you, its wasting energy that you could be focusing on yourself love
Without this inner strength you will never get out of this cycle
Sending you love and support
D xx

[Anonymous]

I know you’re right it’s just shock of people turning on me that have witnessed so much.Gaslighting from all directions, i have lost so many people at once it’s devastating.I know who I am and being publicly painted as someone I’m not I hide the abusers behaviour. I have a few good days then something else happens dragging me backwards.I just need this nightmare over so I can go forwards.Thank you for responding x

[Eggshells]

Can you write to them and remind them of the things you know they have seen and let them know that you still love them and will always be there for them. That way, if and when they see the truth, they will know there is a way back to you.

I really feel for you. To lose your children in this way must be heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

When the violence escalated again they both said they can’t mentally cope with it all again and don’t want to be involved.I emailed them both saying I respect your wishes and kept contact. Then randomly weeks later they both blocked my number I emailed them saying I’m not sure what’s happening but you can contact me via this email address at any time…nothing?! (detail removed by moderator) during our time of no contact.It’s very bizarre and upsetting they’ve said I’m many things I’m not and supported my abuser which they have never done all of their lives! He has clearly manipulated and caused this situation all based on lies .What hurts is they’ve bought into it like they don’t even know me. (Detail removed by moderator). He clearly used them to end my relationship with them .Tgeyre my children it’s very sad , hurtful at a time I needed them the most.My younger children have supported me so much and no longer want anything to do with their siblings after their behaviour. Abusers clearly have no limits what they’ll do.

[KIP.]

I’ve been through very similar. Abuser isolate us and they isolate their children too. My son cut ties with nit just me but my family who he had been close to. You did the same thing I did by keeping the lines of communication open. I encouraged my family to remain open to his contact and that it wasn’t his fault and that he was simply another victim like me and his father would try to isolate him and for them not to judge him. I’d urge you to do the same because one day your old children will wake up to his abuse and control and when that happens, there will be time to rebuild relationships. So try to stay calm. And remember the control he once held over you. My ex also fed my son all sorts of lies. It’s horrible that they will even use their children and shows the callous nature of abusers. I could have told my son about his father and everything he did to me but I chose to protect him. That’s what we do. We don’t really have a choice as by telling our children detail of the abuse it will hurt them and that goes against mothers instincts. So try to play the long game. My step child also said she didn’t want to be involved and like you I said that was fine with me and the next contact I had from her I was blocked. That wasn’t her that was my ex pulling her strings. I love my children but they’re adults and know the truth. However they want to use that truth or hide that truth they need to decide themselves x it’s a pain beyond description to have your children used against you. Just more confirmation that there was always just one monster in my relationship x

[Anonymous]

Thanks KIP ,I never knew how massive and similar the abuse cycle is .I feel for everyone that’s going through this it’s so traumatic. I know the abuser has taken this new approach to inflict harm by enlisting my children , he doesn’t care what happens to them just the fact it’s hurting me. It’s disgusting I’m trying not to let it consume me as I’ve had too many low days where I’m numb and can’t function I’m using distractions to prevent it as know I need to stay strong but it’s very challenging x

[Author]

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