Advice about child contact

[Hsjslehdhd]

Hi ladies,

Can anyone give me any advice about what the best way to go about arranging child contact with my ex? He is currently using child contact as a way to get to me, he will contact me while they are in his care so I feel obliged to answer in case something is wrong with the children, he is sayingmy children want stuff and asking me to drop it off so he can hassle me when I get there, he is rearranging times last minute and not letting me know if they are being dropped off or I need to collect them, he will message asking something about the kids then use that to start a conversation etc.

Contact is supposed to be through a third party but he’s refusing and ignoring it. He will even message things like (detail removed by moderator). No matter what I say or do he is refusing to accept its over, he will not stop.

I have accepted a property from the council in another area which I will hopefully be moving into soon. He doesn’t know and I haven’t tokd anyone in case they tell him. He shouldn’t beable to harass me as much then but at the moment hes only living down the road.

What has everyone found is best to do in these circumstances, how can I arrange contact with him for the children without this constant harrassment? Starting to feel I’ll never be able to fully get away from him.

Thank you

[Twisted Sister]

hi Hsjslehdhd

I’m sorry to hear this. Its great you can really see whats going on though.

Its maybe time to take control, and offer dates/times that you can make, but if he doesn’t collect that you are going out. Change your number so he can’t call you. You can use a book to go to and fro with the children to note any issues during contact, like fell over banged knee, put plaster, or wouldn’t eat lunch, and so on.

If your children are old enough to manage it, give them a basic phone with the number hidden from him and their own codes to unlock it so they can call you in any real emergency, the rest he can deal with.

Only give the phone for the visit, so noone else has the number, and he doesn’t need to know, but if he’s that stressed he can just drp the children back to you again, leave them at the door so you can huury then in and shut the door on him.

He will learn that you are not interested in him crossing your boundaries, the normal boundaries people have when they are not intimate anymore. Hold firm and use your own strategies that he wil either just have to accept or decline. If you are offering contact, at reasonable times, that you can accommodate within yours and the children’s schedules, you have fulfilled your duty, and so long as they have a way of reaching you, they are safeguarded providing they are old enough to do this.

warmest wishes

ts

[Hsjslehdhd]

Hi twisted sister,

Thank you for your reply and help.

They aren’t old enough for a phone etc yet but it’s definitely something I’ll keep in mind for the future.

I have offered a set schedule for contact and offered quite a lot of contact for him and the children. (detail removed by moderator). He is sticking to the times sort of at the moment but also ringing on the days inbetween for facetime with the kids which I wouldn’t mind of he didn’t ask my oldest to put mummy on, or ask me questions throughout the phone calls. It’s becoming exhausting because it means I don’t have one day of the week for just me and the kids without being harrassed. Hopefully he will learn that my boundaries aren’t budging soon and back off. I left before though and he continued everyday for (detail removed by moderator) before I gave in because I couldn’t take it anymore, I’m really hoping this time he will stop.

I’m definitely going to get a new number and just keep the old one to arrange contact, at least I can just leave the old one at home sometimes then and get a break.

I’m considering not telling him my new address and just doing pick up and collecting myself or through my mums address but not sure if I’m allowed to do that.

Thanks again for your advice!

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