Advice anyone

[Forgetmenot]

I need to leave my long-term boyfriend. I have recently come to terms with the fact I am in an abusive relationship for the second time in my life.
(detail removed by Moderator) ago he threw me across the room after a row about nothing in particular. Injuring my leg. The other time he has been physical was a long time before. However he is emotionally abusive and when he is angry he breaks things and ruins the house.
My problem is that now he is being nice. I truly be live he does love me. And I feel guilty for planning to leave. When I say nice I mean as nice as a boyfriend can be. Kind thoughtful saying nice things.
I don’t want to upset him by ending it. I’m not sure how he will react. I don’t love him anymore. I need to get out.
I’m more concerned he will hurt himself than me. But it depends on his mood I suppose. I don’t want to just disappear. I want to talk to him and do it face to face.
Any advice on having a calm conversation and leaving. Or is that just wishful thinking.
I don’t have children. And I have a place to stay. I just don’t want him to be upset. However I suppose if I was writing this a long ago it would be different…sigh

[KIP.]

Abusers are most dangerous when we try to end the relationship. Google cycle of abuse. He’s being nice because he senses you have had enough and he is trying to hook you back in with his false mask. You won’t have a calm conversation. He will get violent as he has in the past. I’m afraid no contact is the only way. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Remember the FOG of abuse. The Fear Obligation and Guilt. That’s how abuser coerce us into not leaving them. Get out safely first and if he threatens suicide which is a very common tactic then ring 999 and let the ambulance men deal with him.

[duvetday]

Hi Forgetmenot,
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. But that’s really good that you feel able to leave. Have you rang Women’s Aid or your local domestic abuse organisation? They should be able to advise on leaving safely. I know it probs feels hard but you have to think about yourself, not your boyfriend. He is abusive and so you don’t owe him anything. But I know it will feel like you do. When abusive people are putting on the whole ‘nice partner’ facade it does feel totally confusing, but they do it to mess with your head and make you feel like they aren’t all bad and because you are a kind person they will know that you will then feel bad for them and forgive their previous behaviour 🙁
When I left my abusive ex I did it without telling him and for ages after I daydreamt about having a “final” conversation with him, if nothing else, just for my own closure. But in reality I know it wouldn’t have helped anything and he just would have got into my head again.
I hope that either way you manage to go thru with leaving him. It’s really good that you have a safe place to go to 🙂
Good luck x

[tinkerbellgirl]

Hi Forgetmenot,

The fact that you already have somewhere to go and know that you want to leave is the first step. What he is doing to you is not right and ultimately you know that. I know it’s hard to do especially when you have been with someone for so long and have feelings for him which is why you don’t want to upset him but please remember that he obviously wasn’t concerned about upsetting you when he was physically violent, or when he is being emotionally abusive. He is not thinking about your feelings and doesn’t deserve for you to think about his! I know it’s hard but each day when you’re out of that relationship will get better and you will eventually think about him less and less! Good luck xx

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Forgetmenot,
Brilliant that you’ve spotted the abuse and have made your plans to leave, well done!
Trust me on this there is no conversation which you are possibly going to have with him that will end well for you. I’ve tried them all over the years. Whether he’s being nice and telling you that you’re being silly, screaming in your face he’ll never let you go whether it’s because ‘he loves you’ or because you’re his! You cannot reason with them. He’s only interested in one thing, getting what he wants, which is control of you.
Just do what I’m doing and keep reminding yourself that it can only be a health relationship if there’s Mutual caring, respect and honesty. He doesn’t care about you or respect you if he’s behaving like that and being violent. The other ladies are right. No contact, going quietly and safely is the only way. Better safe than sorry. Best wishes!

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