Advice appreciated please

[Shaz]

Hi everyone
I have posted on here before when I was with my emotionally abusive ex who I left a few years ago. The advice on here was so helpful it gave me the strength to eventually leave and so I am here again (unfortunately) needing advice.
Long story short I got into a relationship with a new partner (removed by moderator) last year and fell pregnant pretty quickly. It was a complete surprise but I always wanted a child and I was and am overjoyed and I love her to bits. It’s my partner I am unhappy with. There were a few red flags very early on in my pregnancy where he (usually after he had been drinking) would randomly pull me up on something I said and question me about it for ages basically saying what I said made no sense. This has now happened a few times even over something so trivial as why I (removed by moderator). He can also get really moody and walk around giving me one word answers and he just seems miserable. He told me he only smokes cigarettes when he goes out but over the last few months he has bought some and been smoking (outside but you can smell it on him when he comes in). I absolutely hate that and don’t want smoke or the smell of it around my baby.

Other examples:

About (removed by moderator) after having my baby he snapped at me about not knowing how to get the pram open. This really upset me as I was still in a daze and shattered from being in hospital with baby.

Since then he has snapped a few times, telling me ‘I have no ¥€£%^in balls’ as I won’t stand up to my mother, saying ‘Are you £¥%¥in 10?’ when I (removed by moderator) on 2 occasions. Another time he had a go at me about the time I (removed by moderator) each morning. He has also made some comment inferring I was stupid as I didn’t put the (removed by moderator) in the ‘right order’.

The latest one was about sex and how we don’t have it enough. This for me has just topped it all off as I have been up with baby every night since she was born and so not had one undisturbed nights sleep. He just sleeps in the spare room and lets me do it all. He also only seems to be interested in baby when she is in a good mood and will pick her up and play with her for 10 minutes before walking away and having a beer.

We have talked about selling this house (which is mine) and buying something bigger together. But I don’t think I want to. I have been in an abusive relationship before and although this feels different (he isn’t accusing me of having affairs, trying to get my phone off me) I feel like I am walking on eggshells around him in my own home. I feel so much better when he isn’t here (at work or out with mates) and I try to organise stuff that falls on his days off so I don’t have to be around him.

Obviously there is now a child involved and so I have to think what’s best for her and its not just about me anymore. I grew up without a father and I don’t want that for her but I really don’t think I can put up with his behaviour anymore.

I would really appreciate any advice on what I have written. Is this abuse? Personally I feel like he is controlling and gaslights a lot. How do I get out of this?

Thank you
Shaz

[Eggshells]

Hi Shaz

This does sound abusive and controlling and I think you are right to want him out of your house.

I believed that staying with my children’s father was the best thing for them but it really wasn’t. Now adults, one of them in particular has been really badly affected by growing up in an abusive relationship.

We’re conditioned to believe that children need a father around. They really don’t need an abusive and controlling father around, it’ll do her more harm than good.

Please contact the Womens Aid Live chat for advice or contact your local DV support charity who should be able to help you with a safe exit plan to get him out of your house.

[Shaz]

Thank you eggshells.

He is being nice this morning but now I have it in my head about what he is like, and I have recounted all the things he has said to me (not listed here) I am not falling for it.

I can’t believe that a father who believes that his crying baby is ‘taking the p**s’ and ‘attention seeking’ is good for her.

[nbumblebee]

When i think back to years ago when my kids were little and my hubby was jelous of the time and attention they would get, he would moan at me if i took them out made me feel guilty cause he was working whilst i was having fun how i always had to make sure i was home when he got home from work i feel such utter regret such guilt. Dont let this be you sweetie. You say youve been here before and that you escaped and whilst this time is different as you have a child maybe this time its more important for you to go becuase of that child. Im new to all this still pretending that my life is fine that after decades of marriage hes not an abuser or a narcissit im just over thinking why do i still not believe? Becuase like you when its good when hes kind life seems normal and i doubt myself i doubt my memories so I understand how you are feeling now but i think you need to remember how bad he made you feel before.
I think you need to maybe contact WA talk over your options be strong for your baby but also be strong for yourself. Good luck xxxx

[Shaz]

Thank you nbumblebee.

You are right when things are ‘normal’ I wonder why I think the things I do. I just think it’s nothing, all couples argue. But then I think what the ‘arguments’ have been about and I realise how unnecessary and ridiculous they are and I remember the horrible feeling of the knot in my stomach. Why would a man have a go at the mother of his child over such ridiculous things when she is clearly exhausted yet being nothing but nice and kind to him? The only word I can think of is bully.

[nbumblebee]

Oh @shaz i know this so well and my guess is so does alot of us on here. Petty picky arguments that escalade into nasty abusive ones for no reason like you say why would these men of oura do that to someone thsy love? My guess thwy dont love anyone but themselves so you gotta find a way to love yourself enough to break free. X

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