2nd September 2021 at 10:33 am #130904AbettyParticipant
My partner of (removed by moderator) years, I believe has a
drink problem. He drinks excessive
amounts of alcohol daily. He daily comes back from work at (removed by moderator), and will head straight
to the pub Until (removed by moderator)pm at night,Occasionally later, coming home at (removed by moderator). Some nights he can’t stand, has no clue what he’s saying or doing. He can be nasty with his remarks, often calling me hurtful names, and calling my daughter and my family, and will openly do this in front of others as well. If I try to stick up for myself, I’m usually ignored for a week with the silent treatment, until I push and push him to talk, or he will tell me I have to make it up to him for my behaviour, so I now just keep quiet and take the insults. He also quite often will drunk text other woman, telling them how boring I am, how much he loves them, how pretty and attractive they are and how successful he is in life, he then shows me these… i don’t know why he does that, but I can’t describe how sick I feel when I read these, and how angry and upset I feel. I’ve tried to address this with him, I’ve been calm, I’ve cried and I admit have shouted, however he laughs it off as a joke and tells me he doesn’t have a drink problem and that I am trying to control him, or that I’m exaggerating and over reacting, and how I don’t realise how lucky I am, as none of my friends have what I have. (I question this as we have an average lifestyle, we never holiday as he doesn’t like them), i really don’t believe that this is normal behaviour, I don’t speak about it to my friends as I find it embarrassing that I accept it, so I guess I have no one but to blame but myself. He at times is that drunk, he is not only a danger to himself but also to me. He will often start cooking and leave it cooking until it’s burnt, or not light the gas. He can be sick or urinate throughout the house during these episodes and never cleans it up, which I have to get up and clean in the night or before I leave for work the following morning. I have before become so fed up of all this I tried to leave him. His reaction to this was to return to the house after work, (removed by moderator) and contact all my family telling them what a (removed by moderator) I was (I have never done anything but been faithful through out this relationship). He Took our shared car, so I was without transport., and told me he’d make sure I had nothing financially. (We only have a shared mortgage and no kids together) Why I went back I don’t know, i remained in the house as I had nowhere to go as my family are not local. And I guess he calmed down for a short period but then returned back to his drinking habits. This was (removed by moderator) years ago, and his drinking still remains an issue, to the point he was recently charged with assault on an (removed by moderator) and give a suspended sentence for (removed by moderator). I once and for all can no longer tolerate his behaviour, i feel ill, like sick with dread every night waiting for what state he will return in, I don’t sleep when he’s not back as I’m wondering where is he is, and when he is back I feel I’m on alert!! I just dread the backlash of what will happen when I have to tell him. I don’t know where to get advice from, I don’t even think this is abuse, more alcohol related but hope someone could point me in the right direction. 🙏🏻 I’m just a bit confused.
2nd September 2021 at 11:45 am #130909KIP.Participant
Please contact your local women’s aid or the national domestic abuse helpline. This man is extremely abusive and dangerous. He is an abuser. Please don’t use the alcohol as an excuse. Many people drink excessively but they do not abuse. Abuse is a choice. Do not tell him you’re leaving as this is the most dangerous time for you but get support in place before you go. Inform the police of his behaviour too. What he’s doing is illegal. There is a domestic abuse unit in the police force and I’d advise a call to them. He’s shown you what he’s capable of when you leave and this behaviour is threatening and controlling. He has a conviction for violence so please be very careful. Take a look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. A good book to explain an abuser. This man chooses to abuse you. Nothing you can do will prevent that. Abusers simply change the goal posts. Google the cycle of abuse. It explains his good behaviour which isn’t real. He just uses it to hook you back in. Involving other women is called triangulation and it’s designed to destroy your self esteem and confidence and to make you comply with him. It’s disgusting and such a cruel thing to do to someone. This man doesn’t love you. Google trauma bonding. The more cruel they are, the harder we try to get back the ‘nice’ him and round and round we go. Let your GP know what’s happening and get some legal advice about how to remove him from the property. Rights of Women have a free legal helpline and a good website. You deserve better and it will be affecting your child badly too. They need a happy healthy mum 💕
2nd September 2021 at 12:11 pm #130912Wants To HelpParticipant
Forgive me for being so honest, but your home life sounds awful.
Your partner is an abuser with a drink problem. He is two things. He does not abuse because he is a drinker. Your difficulty here will be that because you are a ‘couple’ you are thinking he has a drink ‘problem’ and it is your job as his partner to help him overcome this ‘problem’. What is going on with him is not a ‘problem’ that can be solved by anyone else. It is an addiction issue and only one that he can take responsibility for and do something about. There is a saying that you cannot change a person but you can spend your life trying.
He sounds as if he has no respect for himself, let alone anyone else.
The messaging other women and then showing you the messages is his attempt at showing you how desirable he is to others; a message that is designed to say “see, if you leave me there are many other women that would gladly have me and you’ll be the one missing out.” Really? Do you think other women will be jumping at the chance to have him urinate in their home and vomit everywhere for them to clean up?
Besides his violence and abuse, he is a huge liability to himself and any other woman who gets involved with him. Please pass the responsibility of his problems back to him and do not feel it is your job to stick around and sort him out. I know it’s hard, and it may feel callous, but we can only do so much to help and support people we are in relationships with, and that’s without an addition of abuse too.
The cutting off of the utilities is part of the Coercive and Controlling Behaviours. Cutting you off financially is another one. If you have a shared mortgage then you have a financial interest in the house, so you can seek advice about a legal separation if that is what you want. I should imagine you would worry about leaving as his lifestyle will mean the house will go in to disrepair and de-value, meaning there is less equity for you. Based on his behaviour towards you then seek legal advice regarding an Occupation Order that would direct him to leave the house and you remain in it. Evidence of his damage and recklessness in the house alone would go in your favour as it proves he could be a danger to himself and the property if left to reside there alone.
2nd September 2021 at 4:58 pm #130931LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the forum, I can see you have just started posting.
I can also see you have already received some very insightful, understanding replies to your post. Please do know there is help for you should you want to engage. You deserve better in life and in a relationship.
We understand that leaving an abusive partner is never easy; it can take on average, up to 6, 7 times to leave an an abusive relationship. Do not blame or put shame on yourself for staying. Emotional/psychological manipulation and coercion are tactics used by an abuser to keep you from seeing the abuse for what it is or to recognise how dangerous it can be.
You can begin to speak one-on-one to a local domestic abuse support worker, in confidence, to start to get clarity about what steps you wish to take moving forward. Search for your local here. It was suggested to perhaps get an Occupation order, an type of injunction that can legally remove an abusive partner from the home. You can call DV Assist for all the info and advice you need on this.
Rights of Women are a good, free, legal advice service, specialising in women who are experiencing domestic abuse. Do give them a call too.
You may want try speaking to Supportline, who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200.
I hope this is useful. Do keep posting to keep focused and in touch with others who understand what you are going through and can continue to help.
3rd September 2021 at 1:21 am #130960MimeParticipant
Abetty, that’s actually horrendous. I’m afraid for you. He is a monster (sorry to be blunt and brutal about it). Please, you need to leave – for your little girl.
I understand the fear of being alone – its my biggest fear too. But you’re living in hell. You need better than this- you do. And so does your girl.
I’m so sorry for you. What a terrible, sad, lonely life. Please try and take strength from this forum – the women here are kind and they will help you. Don’t listen to me if my advice is too blunt – but stay and take some comfort here. My heart breaks for you. Lake care Abetty. Love x*x
4th September 2021 at 9:11 pm #131051WeemebreezeParticipant
The other ladies have already given loads of amazing advice – I just wanted to show you some support too and assure you that a better life awaits away from him. My ex also had a drink problem – my heart sank every time I saw him come home with drink as I knew what was in store. Aside from no longer walking on eggshells or living in fear, one thing I wanted to share was the complete and utter joy that is there when you don’t wake up to the strong smell of alcohol in the room or stale booze on his breath. I hated it. It stank. I no longer have that and it’s so much better. It’s his problem to fix, only he can do something about it. X
5th September 2021 at 1:06 pm #131068AbettyParticipant
Thank you all so much for your kind words and wisdom. It’s definitely an eye opener and reassuring I’m not alone and not going mad. And it’s frightening to know that so many of us are suffering similar stories. I hope we all find our peace. Xx
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