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(detail removed by Moderator), he says he has finally realised, things will change and be happy from now on. Lots of tears and promises. Of course this is not the first time he has said this. In (detail removed by Moderator) after (detail removed by Moderator) keeping me up all night rocking on the end of the bed due to drug misuse. He said it then. Last (detail removed by Moderator), (detail removed by Moderator) of the same, also falling down the stairs and spilling (detail removed by Moderator) on kitchen floor and not cleaning it up. He promised to stop then. In (detail removed by Moderator), the same thing, with lots of crying about how his dad forced him to smoke and wouldn’t let him do boxing lessons.
It had been (detail removed by Moderator) months since he stopped smoking. He was a different person and much nicer but I couldn’t forget what he had been like before.
When we met he said he loved me after (detail removed by Moderator) weeks of dating. Started encouraging me to have a baby, I said I wanted to save but he just kept pushing. I can’t believe how easily swayed I was. We got a flat together after (detail removed by Moderator) months dating, I was pregnant (detail removed by Moderator) later.
He made me delete Facebook. Said I should only need him. Move on from the past. My best friend had my qualification certificates, childhood memory box, lots of very special things. He would not allow me to contact her to get my things and although I eventually did get back in touch with her (it took (detail removed by Moderator) years to convince him I needed a friend) by then my things had vanished, I think she got rid of them in anger as she didn’t hear from me for so long. I tried to repair our friendship but I think the trust was gone, it was just too late.
When I gave birth to my first child he wouldn’t let me sleep after, in case someone came and took the baby away (drug related paranoia). I was snappy with him about it so he threatened to punch me in the head, hours after giving birth. I also just remembered this.. After I gave birth and they moved me out of the labour ward he told me to “perk up” and not fall asleep as they would think I couldn’t look after baby.
He would not allow breastfeeding. I couldn’t even try. He said he didn’t want something “sucking on my boob”. When baby was sick and I’d rush to get a cloth, he would be angry and rude and say “he could handle it”.
I fell pregnant (detail removed by Moderator) months later but had a miscarriage. (detail removed by Moderator) months later, pregnant again. Told midwife what he was doing, ended up having to go to refuge. Couldn’t stick it so went back to him. If only I knew then what I know now… I allowed so much despicable behavior. Just accepted it. After returning I had my scan and baby had heart defect so had to have termination and traumatic labour, went to cremation and was just broken.
Then had 2 more children. In the meantime he stopped smoking, stopped most of controlling behaviour. (detail removed by Moderator) I said I’m done with him. I want him to leave. Now as I said above, he has promised to change, and that the things I asked him to change before, he has. But at this point the anger is overwhelming. Of course I have to care for the children and he does the bare minimum. We don’t shout at each other and is loving towards them. But in my heart and mind I know I can’t stay with him. But he says we need to “stay strong” for the kids. Well I have been! All the time he wasn’t!
Feel at the end of my tether.
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wow youve been through such alot, thats unimaginable BUT you have survived and your here to tell the tale. that says it all, when i read your post my gut instinct says you need a clean slate – a blank page so to speak. he sounds like he is very controlling and taking drugs making him paranoid can some times be an excuse for these guys to do what they want. its no excuse though – can you talk to womens aid? i would go with what he says because abusive men will be the onse who will most certainly mislead you x*x
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Hello Onelife,
It sounds to me like you have been the one holding things together for a very long time. From reading your post, I too think you need a clean slate. He does sound very controlling and although you say he’s made changes, is this just him manipulating the situation in order to stay in control? The trouble is you never know with these people. They are so changeable and can flip behaviour in an instant. I would contact WA and listen to their impartial advice. They will only have your interests and heart and won’t have a hidden agenda like he has. -
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A clean slate is starting a new life without him in it. Once we’ve seen what they can do, been hurt by them emotionally, verbally, sexually, financially or physically we can’t undo it and go back to how it was before. We’re always waiting for something we say or do to set them off, waiting to build up the courage to go to a lawyer or the police or to even walk out the door. You can only decide if you are going to start with him, short term or long term. Keep posting and gaining knowledge. It will eventually give us the strength to leave, no matter how often they persuade us to stay, change or whatever.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕 -
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Thank you all for your very wise advice. I do want a fresh start, clean slate etc… When I think about not being with him any more it makes me feel really happy! Is that weird? I know I can look after the kids by myself, he’s done very little really, and I’ve only had unhealthy parents in law in our lives, my friends I’m all out of contact with and my own family unreliable. I know my kids will be sad esp one who is almost obsessed with him as he is Fun Dad to her. I know she may hate me for it. I don’t want them not to see him, but at this point I just have to do whats right for me. For so long I have “made the best of things” but I physically can’t play happy family with him anymore. I look at him and just feel hate and anger. He has let us down too many times for me to give him yet another chance.
He has been crying non stop since I told him that’s it. Hasn’t slept or eaten. Says he knows I’m not this cold hearted!
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Hi Onelife, he’s right you aren’t this cold hearted. What you are is an amazing mum and a beautiful woman who deserves to be able to live life without fear of another human being, never mind their partner. You have a wall up at the moment, stay strong, that wall will protect you from him and his ways of trying to wear you down. Abusive men should lose the right to be in their children’s lives. They still try to abuse their partner, that just do it through the children. Take all advice with regards allowing contact after you leave. It’s not a normal type of relationship breakdown where 50/50 access is encouraged. In a normal breakup you would feel safe letting your child see their father, with an abuser, you’re always left wondering what they will do next.
Maybe write down how often he’s done things with the children or if it was always your responsibility, who does the parenting or does he undermine you, is he overly strict or tells them to ignore you when you’re wanting to get them to do homework, brush teeth, get dressed etc. Fun dad is all well and good but he’s still an abuser at the end of the day. If he was a good dad, he wouldn’t abuse their mum, end of.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕 -
Thanks iwantmeback. Your message was so kind and gave me some clarity. He is trying to wear me down. I’ve been very clear that our marriage is over but that I will give him time to find somewhere to go… But he just offers to go for a short time so I have space then he can come back! Over and over again I have said no. This is it. But there’s no acceptance at the moment. He is not violent towards any of us, and the kids love him as he plays with them a lot which I have no energy for. This makes things feel very hard, they see me as moody, not fun for them, and not nice to daddy. I basically clean, cook, shop, transport and watch TV. I do cuddle them lots but the older child doesn’t even want to be near me at all. She just loves daddy.
It feels unbearable and I do feel scared. I should be returning all your lovely messages by reading your posts and supporting you but I just about have the brain power to write this. I can’t stay with him and pretend I’m happy, even for the kids. And I can’t make him leave, even if I get help I know they will say why didn’t I protect them from what’s happened before?
I am completely out of options and energy.
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Onelife, we are here to support you until you feel strong enough to return the favour.💞 You can’t play with your children freely because your time is filled with him and how you can please him and not set him off. It’s his way of driving a wedge between you. One day once you’ve read more and learned how to deal with it, how you truly can read him more and see when he’s being manipulative until you feel strong enough to leave or stay, the choice is ALWAYS yours.
I know now when my oh is gaslighting me, when he’s trying to manipulate me into putting him back in to the centre of my world. they are so clever and so sneaky, never believe a word he says, once you start to distance emotionally, everything will fall into place. It’s not easy playing the game, a day will come when you refuse to play it anymore.
Love and light IWMB 💕💕-
Thanks Iwantmeback. After a week of insisting it’s over, I’ve said he can stay. I feel so angry with myself. I was looking forward to the future. The kids were getting ill from the stress and I just couldn’t do it to them. I told him any more drama then he must leave and he agreed. I’m not strong enough at the moment. I really feel pathetic. I’m going to the doctors to get anti depressants tomorrow because I am finding it hard to do everything for the kids. It’s hard because they love him so much.
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