Advice needed – children being manipulated

[Hopefullyoneday]

Hey everyone,
Could really do with some advice. (Detail removed by moderator) I left a (detail removed by moderator) abusive marriage. I walked away from everything including my children as they did not want to leave. Since I’ve left the harassment has been so bad I’ve had to get an NMO which was granted (detail removed by moderator). I started to see the children (detail removed by moderator) thinking the nmo would make me feel safe to do so. The children are so fed up and feel like they have to look after him as he has made himself out to be the victim and has no one else. He continues to try to get messages through the children to me and is refusing to accept it’s over, trying to use the children to get me to go back.. I am so so tired and worried about the psychological impact on the children who are having to deal with this all. I tried to talk to them about it all to try to get them to understand but they are so tired and angry at the situation. I really don’t know how stop the impact he is having on them and feels like I am causing them pain and no matter what I cannot be free of him. Any advice much appreciated x*x

[KIP.]

Do you have room for them where you are? Can you let them know that he’s not their responsibility and that your door is open for them. The children are the only weapon he has left. Not sure what age they are but it might be worth talking to a solicitor and women’s aid. Keeping a journal of his emotional abuse and well done for getting the NMO. It’s showing them that they do not need to put up with his behaviour. Sadly I have no contact now with my adult son. I think my ex used him so much and quizzed him so much about me he decided not to keep in touch, I can only hope one day he realises what’s been going on and can stand up to his father. Sometimes kids will stick with the abuser through fear Obligation. The very same tactics an abuse uses on us. WA I believe are now running a freedom programme for kids. Worth looking into x meantime remember the oxygen mask on the plane. Put your own mask on before you can help others. Stay fit and well mentally and physically as much as you can for this battle x

[Hopefullyoneday]

Hi kip, I have room at mine and I’ve told them they can be with me whenever they want. They are teenage girls, unfortunately they feel they have to stay and look after their dad, I’ve told them he’s not there responsibility which they get quite angry about, saying he has no one else. I’m using a solicitor as I had to to get the NMO and she has written him telling him not To use the children, but he listens to no one.. I know he will break the order and I will be forced to call the police which the children don’t want me to do and ultimately I don’t want to either… he just won’t accept it and I don’t think he ever will. Sorry to hear about your lack of contact with your son, I hope that changes long term. It feels like we have to be punished forever… xx

[KIP.]

Yes I was punished for reporting a rapist and a stalker who had chance after chance to walk away. I couldn’t have done it any other way and survived. And I would do it again. My son has choices to make in his life and I will not be around an abuser. Saying no to your children teaches them resilience for the real world. To him his children are collateral damage and I think my son got fed up with his father interrogating him on my activities. Just keep planting the seeds that he’s not their responsibility and encourage them to have a life of their own. I’d also push back every boundary he pushes x

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