Viewing 4 reply threads
  • Author
    • #135162


      I am leaving an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship with somebody I firmly believe to be a n********t. With that in mind, and the challenges and complications it brings, I am looking for perspectives from people who have been through it to help me sort out my decisions. My family and friends are incredibly supportive but have not been through anything similar at all.

      I have two key concerns. Firstly, I am into the final stages of Transfer of Equity (he is buying me out of our joint property) and purchasing a new property. We are still living together (I am on the sofa) for (detail removed by Moderator) months since he said he wanted to separate (obviously changing his mind days later but this was the (detail removed by Moderator) time saying it in the space of (detail removed by Moderator) months so I decided not to live with that anymore). We have two primary aged children who have witnessed me sleeping on the sofa, not being able to access my clothes and shower unless it suits him, becoming mostly silent when he’s in the house. And much more. I doubt I need to give all the details for you all to understand.

      I am about (detail removed by Moderator) weeks out from the exchange of contracts and closing on the properties. My seller has offered to rent me their house, which is what they’re doing with the house they’re moving buying, so I can move before Christmas. This would be an informal arrangement and friends and family are worried about the risk of my ex changing his mind on the transfer of equity out of spite, and the purchase not going through. I would end up with no house at all.

      I think this is a risk worth taking, just to get me out, but it’s hard to have the confidence to do that when everyone else is hesitant.

      Secondly, telling the children. We have not told them about the separation yet, although they are not stupid and the eldest in particular is very anxious about the risk of it happening. We had agreed to wait until we knew where they would be moving to with me (they will be 50/50 with both of us), when and that we would tell them together. I am worried he will try to delay this, especially as it is so close to Christmas.

      Is this going to be more traumatic for them, the rug being pulled out from underneath them just 2 weeks before Christmas? Or might it be a relief for them, and will my mental wellbeing, and the improvement I get from being out, be healthier for them in the long run.

      My gut tells me to just do it, although there’s no physical violence, it is hell and that is impacting the kids. And in various things over the years my instinct has ended up being right. But I’m conditioned to always seek approval and validation.

      My thoughts are chaos.

    • #135171

      Firstly, you may think your thoughts are chaos but to offer feedback they are very lucid actually.

      May I point out that ‘others’ do not know your situation from the inside as womean on here do, having made the leap. They will therefore fear and prioritize other things that may not be appropriate to you. Just to bear that in mind.

      I would weight up what would be likely to happen if you didn’t get out as quickly as possible.

      Some things don’t bear thinking about, but it is likely that the situation would escalate. Isn’t it?
      Not for nothing do people recognise the fact that Christmas is the busiest time for women’s refuges.
      Speak to women’s aid if that is your fear.

      So, for your safety I would say, whatever the property situation is doing you need to get out (detail removed by Moderator) Please leave. With your kids. IF possible today. Dont’ wait for the situation to escalate any further.

      You will not ‘end up with no house at all’. This is unlikely to happen, if you think about it.
      The worst that could happen is the legal matters are delayed, but my impression here is, that is in fact an empty threat on the part of now ex.partner. You would be surprised how common that is, and it serves one purpose only, to render you stuck and unable to move out of the abuse. It is really true.

      If there are delayed exchange as long as you have the funds you rent somewhere else.

      Yes, in answer to your question about the kids. It will be a relief for them.
      I remember very well our first Christmas here, after leaving…

      I was in the middle of really, really difficult legal matters however I was determined that I would craft some happy memories for myself and my daughter.

      We had next to now money at that time, but that time of rest and relaxation was so important going forward to the next challenges and the next battle…

      We live in a smallish place, but I remember very well when I showed my daughter our new home how she ran through the rooms in glee saying ‘its’ so big’…

      I’m sure it was the feeling of freedom and safety that she was talking about.

      you say quite clearly ‘I think that is a risk worth taking’…

      You are right.

      In your new life, you will find that you are the captain of the single parent ship and it will be the first of many, many decisions you will make.

      A strange thing, but I watched the film ‘Executive Decision’ last night on Netflix.

      It’s a bit dated, but it definitely spoke to me about times on our journey when I’ve faced the seemingly impossible and done it. Even though, like you I’ve doubted myself at the time. Massively.

      It’s an Executive decision. And YOU are the Executive. You got this.

      And when you have that place – guard your boundaries.

      Do NOT ask him over for Christmas morning!

      Don’t let him in to the place.
      And don’t give him a key.

      Sounds obvious but once the boundaries are enroached again you will be shoring up more difficulties for yourself.

      New boundaries needed.

    • #135201

      Oh my goodness, reading this is spooky. I was about to write an almost identical question. We are yet to formally agree what we are doing but I want him to buy me out so I can buy my own house. I have been given the chance of a property to rent and I am desoerare to bundle up the kids and go, but worried about loosing my 50% of the house! Will be watching with interest. I am completely with you on this one!!

    • #135203

      Best chance i have been in this situation and come out the other end. Do pm me if you have any questions I can’t give legal advice but as I’ve said I navigated it myself so can give pointers to watch out for.

    • #135248

      Thanks @StartingOverAgain. My children have additional needs, just upping and going is not possible.

      I have just communicated to my ex that I intend to tell the children we are separating (detail removed by Moderator), to see how he responds. I have hummed and hawed all weekend over it and that felt like the right move for me.

      It would be so much easier if there was a dummies guide to getting out, a 10 point plan we could all just follow and have the confidence to know it will work.

Viewing 4 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide


Log in with your credentials


Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content