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    • #39151
      Peaceful Pig
      Participant

      (detail removed by moderator) My eldest who has quite complex additional needs regularly refuses to to her dad for overnight stays. She will go for a day but refuses overnights as her dad and his gf allow other people to sleep in her bed when she’s not there, have taken lots of her possessions, have sent her things back here to me against her express wishes, insist she sleeps with bedding that is not her own, tell her what to wear, criticise her for things she cannot help due to her needs etc. Basically they seem to have done everything in their power to make her feel as uncomfortable as possible in their new home. This after him assuring the social worker he would try harder to meet her needs and showing clear understanding of those needs. So this is deliberate behaviour. He is now pressuring me to contact him every time she refuses to go and basically ‘explain myself’. The last time I did this out of courtesy he approached and intimidated me and my daughter when we dropped off my son (detail removed by moderator) so I won’t be risking that again especially as we now hand over in a car park as I have no-one to act as a third-party. The last few times I have dropped them off he has sort of hovered as if considering approaching me or made me concerned he might follow me in the car. His emails show absolutely no insight into his impact on her and her valid reasons for choosing not to go, of course it’s all my fault for not encouraging her enough. I should explain that when I say choosing, I mean full-on meltdown, sobbing, shouting, trying to steal the suitcase, blocking the doorway, grabbing hold of me and refusing to let go. Also there was one period ages ago where I had a serious concern regarding her safety (sexually) which was never substantiated by her or evidence but remains in the back of my mind. Also he often cancels the contact himself when it suits him. I plan to email my solicitor for advice but I’d appreciate any thoughts and support. Thank you xx

    • #39165
      Serenity
      Participant

      So sorry you’re all going through this, PP.

      As my situation is very similar, I understand all your hesitancies and concerns about simply speaking out. We are dealing with adept manipulators here.

      It’s important here to grab some of your sense of power back as a mother. It’s important not to let him encroach to the point that you feel completely powerless and victimised.

      I would suggest logging his breaking of the contact order with the police, and I would phone the NSPCC for advice to discuss things with a child counsellor there over the phone. They are brilliant, and have seen this so many times.

      Knowledge is power and you can see all his games and even predict them, and whilst you may not be able to prevent them happening, you can at least prepare your child and undo some of the damage by really trying to build up their confidence in general and teach them how to be assertive. Continue to act grey rock with your ex: don’t let him know he’s getting to you, or it will encourage him further. I am hoping that by increasing my son’s independent spirit and continuing to ignore my ex’s attempts to affect me, he will look elsewhere for his kicks. But things which are inappropriate really need to be discussed with people like the NSPCC. It would be good to call them, as there will be a record of you having done so, proving that you are a concerned parent if it ever comes to it. xx

    • #39171
      danicali
      Blocked

      hello. i read your post with quite a bit of concern, because i’ve been through it all… let me try to break it down for you and please note that what i say is not at all the way i think things should be, but the way things are in the family courts, etc… and how i believe the courts will see all of this.

      first. what those two do when your daughter visits, unless they are really harming her, is just their own parenting style – yes – they can do this to purposely wind you up, but if they are not really hurting her (different bedding??) then you have nothing and if you make issue out of it, you may be seen as “hostile” to your ex. you don’t want that. they will do things differently over there. they will treat her differently because they are not you. and yes, they may be less sensitive. but it’s not a crime. my own father said some pretty insensitive things to me when I was a kid, but to stop contact? not..

      (detail removed by moderator)

      now, if he’s constantly cancelling contact, that is relevant and you need to keep a diary of all the times he’s cancelled, how much notice you were given, did you offer him a make up day, etc, or not. If he has a history of regularly cancelling contact at the last minute, you may be able to get his contact reduced as you can argue that it destabilises your daughter, causes upset, etc. – that – of all the things you said – is your biggest weapon if you choose to use it as courts WILL look at that and want to know why he cancels so much

      finally, and I cannot stress this enough, be very, very wary of suddenly coming out with any allegation of sexual abuse against him… if you dont have proof,(detail removed by moderator)… if something is bothering you in the back of your mind, bring it up to the social worker or even police, but be very careful what you say at court. too many women, too many women, too many women – LOSE custody of their kids by alleging sexual abuse. please be careful with this one.

      i am sorry if my reply is upsetting, but i feel i have a duty to tell it like it is. this whole thing is filled with landmines, you must be smart, and you must play this the right way because ultimately THAT will keep your daughter safe x

      • #39176
        older lady
        Participant

        You’re apologising but the truth is a double edged sword, it does hurt, but it also sets us free. I, for one, appreciate, you’re telling it like you see it. Thank you.

    • #39175
      older lady
      Participant

      Why are courts so vulnerable to ‘expert opinion”. I think of (detail removed by Moderator) and would have thought that would have taught the court a lesson about pseudoscience in the courtroom. They are always learning lessons, though, aren’t they. It doesn’t matter what happens in other cases, it only matters what happens in the case in front of them. This nonsense about parental alienation comes from where? Why is it being admitted into the court? It cannot be appropriate in cases where there are domestic abuse issues. I completely get where your daughter is coming from. Different bedding, possessions being removed. That doesn’t feel like ‘her’ place to me. I don’t know how old she is, but I am waiting it out until my daughter reaches a certain age. I hope adult children talk about their experiences and lets have a good look at whether the court has been the best place to make decisions in their best interest.

    • #39196
      Peaceful Pig
      Participant

      Danicali, thank you for your response but I think you may have misunderstood me. I don’t intend to stop the contact. In fact I’d really love a little respite once in a while. In fact my daughter wants to be able to go albeit mostly because of the pressure she is out under from them to do so. Also my children are close, they miss each other and hate being apart so long. I fully understand that to most neurotypical children many of these things sound trivial and would not be a major issue, but to my autistic daughter they are intolerable. Anyone who knows her well knows this – he knows this. I do not want this to go back to court. I do not have the time, money or inclination to waste on any more of my ex’s nonsense. What I’m trying to work out here are my ex’s tactics. He is deliberately causing my daughter not to be able to go to him and then using this as an excuse to make contact with me and cause drama. My plan is to continue ignoring his texts. I can’t make my daughter go. She is much too big to physically force her. I believe she is of an age that a court would allow her to decide for herself despite her diagnoses and I would hope they would see that he breaks the order as much as she does and throw it out. Still I hope it doesn’t come to that. As for the sexual concerns I quite agree. It was a while back and I just quietly had discussions with the NSPCC and monitored things without making anything official. I am very wary of social services. That said it would be on my conscience if I did physically force her and something was happening, so I have to strike a careful balance.
      Serenity and older lady thank you for your support. I’ve updated my solicitor just in case evidence is ever needed but I’m basically stuck with the situation for now. I’ll just keep ignoring him and with every passing month and year my daughter grows older and his threats become more ridiculous. There’s nothing he can really do. Life’s feeling pretty lonely and hard work at the moment, so I think the latest email just got me. In reality he is helpless now and clutching at straws.

    • #39212
      Serenity
      Participant

      Yes, PP, that’s a great way to see it: he’s not a power figure, he’s clutching at straws. He wants you to believe the fake reality that he has all the bad power, and that he can destroy everything, but in fact you possess much good power of your own, and never forget that.

      Never forget how wise, knowledgeable, good and resilient you are, and how you can get your kids through this just by being you and having faith in yourself.

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