30th June 2021 at 12:31 pm #127994
This is a post for those who have successfully left their relationship.
I just wanted some advice or ‘tips’ on how to go about leaving. I wanted to do it like anyone would in a normal relationship by sitting down and telling him I’m leaving but without going into detail about why as I’ve read that abusive men won’t admit to what they’ve done and I know he’ll try to argue against it and even try blaming me or circumstances as this is what he does with everything. However, I know that this is not a normal relationship and trying to do it this way may not be the way to go and without telling him the whole story, other reasons unrelated to the abuse I have may seem petty to him and not reason enough to end it. So either way I do it, sit down and talk or leave without a word, I’ll be the bad guy in his and his family’s eyes.
How did you do it?
How was it?
If you had ‘the talk’ what did you say? (I know you can’t be specific but give me an idea)
What about your stuff (if you lived with them), did you take it there and then or have to go back?
30th June 2021 at 7:04 pm #128034CamelParticipant
Start out by believing…
1. You don’t need his permission to leave
2. You don’t need a ‘good enough’ reason to leave
3. You don’t have to give him notice
4. You don’t have to discuss anything
5. You don’t have to give him or the relationship a second chance
6. What he or his family think of you is irrelevant. You’re leaving
Get advice on how to leave safely. Don’t give him any inkling. Arrange for friends to collect you and your things. Don’t let him know where you’re going. Cut all financial ties. Keep off social media. Don’t look back.
5th July 2021 at 3:03 pm #128268
Thank you for your words and advice.
I feel a big weight on my shoulders because I believe that I need to justify my decision to him (like everything else!) and also care way too much about what he thinks!
Just been acting normal at the moment. When I’m out there will be no looking back I’m sure!
2nd July 2021 at 11:50 am #128155ISOPeaceParticipant
Hi DinkyHorse, this is a really good topic to raise. This is a bit of a long reply and I agree with Camel.
I think the most important thing to remember is that normal relationship rules don’t apply to abusive relationships. Every person has the right and responsibility to protect themselves from emotional and physical harm, as best as they can. In a normal relationship, you take your safety as a given. There may be some rudeness and disrespect, but not to the extent that you feel unsafe. But when there’s abuse, you are dealing with someone who wants you to feel unsafe. It’s part of how they control us. Also, us leaving is the ultimate loss of control for them, which is why leaving is the most dangerous time. Sometimes abusers who have never been violent suddenly become violent. For this reason you don’t leave an abusive relationship, you escape.
You’re absolutely right that however you do it, you will be painted as the bad guy. In a normal relationship, there is a mutual want for both people to be happy. Even if there’s bad feeling at the end, there is usually an acceptance that if one person wasn’t happy it was never going to work anyway. But an abuser is only concerned with his own happiness. He doesn’t believe you have the right to be a separate person, with your own wants and needs. To him your purpose is to meet his wants and needs. The main thing he wants is control over you, so in his eyes, however you leave him, you’ve taken away his control and so you’re the bad guy.
I think for a lot of people, it feels like they’re compromising their integrity by leaving secretly. Maybe this is partly because it’s hard to accept just how different an abusive relationship is and we don’t want to feel like it’s made us a bad person. But, abuse forces us to make choices that a normal relationship would do, so we’re not a bad person for acting in a way that protects our emotional and physical safety.
I think there is also a big element of having spent so much time trying to please and appease him that we want his approval and permission to leave. I certainly felt like that. But, as I mentioned above, we will never get his permission to leave. And most importantly, we don’t need his permission to leave. We all have the right to leave any relationship when we want to, especially one that is harmful to our wellbeing.
When you talk about reasons for leaving not related to the abuse, it sounds a little like you’re taking some of the responsibility for needing to leave. The only reason you need to leave is that you’re not happy. In a normal relationship, I think it is respectful to the other person to be honest, because it helps them make sense of things and may help for future relationships. But the problem in an abusive relationship is the abuser, whatever else might be going on in the sidelines, and the abuser thinks the abuse is ok.
When I left, I gradually moved stuff in the run up to leaving. I wrote an email a few days before, so I wouldn’t be stressing about it when I left. I left on a day when he was at work. I waited until he asked where I was, and I sent the email and send him a message to check his emails. I haven’t been back since, but if I did it would make sure he’s not there.
He said it was bad timing because he had been doing lots of work on himself and was now in a really different place and was ready to support me. I’ll admit I had a momentary wobble, but then I remembered everything I’d read on here and I knew it was total rubbish. Suddenly changed overnight?! Funny how the magical change happened the day I left. And saying he was ready to support me just showed how he still thought everything was my fault. If we didn’t have kids I would have blocked him when I left.
Ultimately, the best thing to do is the best thing for your safety and wellbeing. Try to be honest with yourself about whether what you want to do is actually driven by the control he has over you. We’re so used to it that it can be hard to work out what you really want and what he’s conditioned you to want. Sending love xxxx
5th July 2021 at 3:09 pm #128270
Hi ISOPeace, yes I thought so I hope it helps others too.
Like I mentioned above I care too much about what he thinks and don’t want to be the bad person here, probably one of the biggest worries…along with getting my stuff out I have so much!
That’s what I think too, that being unhappy is reason enough.
The email idea is good I like that. Unfortunately I get only rare occasions of him being out which is a pain. That’s funny because I think what your partner said is exactly what mine would say! Yeah funny the timing of that isn’t it *eye roll*
Thank you! x*x
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