Advice on telling people without mentioning abuse

[gettingtired]

I am looking for advice on how to tell family that I need to get out without having to explain the abuse or go into loads of details. Or even to use the word ‘abuse’.
I think they’re going to be in shock because although they know he struggles with mental health issues and perhaps think he can be selfish, in general they think he is a lovely, funny, down to earth person.

It’s not that I don’t think they’ll believe me if I say he’s abusive, I just really struggle to talk about my emotions and don’t want to feel like a victim.
It’s also quite short notice as the leaving date is really soon.

The problem is I need to explain enough so they understand why I’d be leaving behind his back.
I mean, if it was normal circumstances you’d probably encourage someone to talk with the person and end the relationship properly rather than sneak off behind their back. Obviously he’s not ‘normal’ though and I’m afraid leaving ‘normally’ would not be an option and could possibly be dangerous. So they need to understand that leaving behind his back is unfortunately the ‘right’ thing to do.

My head is all over the place because his behaviour towards me just seems to be getting worse and worse and I’m feeling more and more cornered and attacked with his lectures and rants about me that I have to sit through. Or the anxiety I experience when I’m wondering or worrying if he’s going to kick off majorly and start threatening to call the police or throw me out etc.

Recently when I’m away from him at work, if I begin to really think about the enormity of no longer having him in my life, I feel panicked, devastated and like I can’t bare to be without him (because of how long I’ve been with him, the history and memories we share and how when he’s nice things are fine). I guess that’s the trauma bond. I also start to panic about what he might do if I was to leave; the humiliation if he contacts my work to try and get me fired, what he may say about me to people or if he becomes suicidal or accidentally dies from drugs/alcohol (that he has issues with).

There’s so many thoughts, worries and anxieties swirling around my mind that it’s like trying to battle through each day and hope I survive. Sorry if that sounds dramatic.

[ISOPeace]

Hi there, you don’t sound dramatic. You sound like somebody who has been convinced that her feelings and needs are not important or valid and that you need to apologise for asking for help. I wonder whether this (which is totally understandable after years of abuse) is a factor in not wanting to explain what’s happening to your family. And maybe while growing up asking for help from your family was difficult (I realise that may not be the case at all) and so with the effect of the abuse, asking for help seems impossible.

Could you tell your family that you want to leave, and you’ve spent a long time thinking about it and you’ve suddenly realised this is the the time to do it. You know it’s the right thing to do but you know it will be difficult and you’re worried he’ll try to change your mind if you leave while he’s there. Maybe you could even mention something about his drug/alcohol issues. You wouldn’t even be lying, just not explaining the full picture. You could even say it all in a message if you’re worried about having to talk about it. I think that would sound like a reasonable reason to leave while he’s out. It would be good to hear what others think.

He might sense a change in you, which is why his abuse is escalating. I say that in a positive way, because I think it means you’re more ready to leave than you think you are. It could just be an escalation that was going to happen anyway.

I know it’s so so hard. I didn’t have the pull of feeling like I couldn’t bear to be without my ex when I left. I was worried about coping and about what he’d do but I didn’t think I would miss him, so I don’t have any helpful advice on how to manage that part of the trauma bond. Maybe others can help based on their experience.

I think you’re doing better than you think. You’re still posting here, you haven’t buried your head in the sand. Keep posting and keep going. Sending love xxxx

[gettingtired]

Thank you Iso x*x

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