Advice please

[Anonymous]

I have just broken up with my partner, but we still live together, as my poorly dad lives here too.

I met my partner nearly (detail removed by moderator), and his (detail removed by moderator) son lives with us. I have bought him up as my own as his own mum didn’t want to know him.

I knew my partner had a quick temper (not physical – verbal), but it has gotten worse over the past couple of years. He says it stems from his own mum too not wanting him. My stepson is laid back about his mum situation, but my ex has always had a problem. His mum admitted to him that she didn’t want him and it has caused him no end of issues. His sister and brother were wanted and don’t understand how he feels.

I have not worked all the time that I have been with him. We got together quickly and I moved into his house. I didn’t work for about (detail removed by moderator) as he/we thought it best for my stepson to have a ‘mum’ at home – as he had/has some issues and the school were trying to help. My ex did not want him to see a counsellor as he thought it would go on ‘record’ for the rest of his life. I feel he should have seen somebody. He has emotional problems and is not empathetic and his relationship with his girlfriend is hard because of it, but she stays with him. He still lives with us too and his girlfriend stays over a lot.

The past couple of years, my ex’s temper has gotten so worse that it is uncomfortable to be around him. And it is harder for him to hide his temper. Our son’s girlfriend even told him two weeks ago that I bear the brunt of his anger – but he wouldn’t listen. Friends have noticed too and told him but he said he just doesn’t want to be their friend anymore if that is the way they feel. I tried to explain that they were not putting him down – but were hoping he would realise and get help. For years he has realised his temper and was going to get help, but now he doesn’t. It is so bad. He calls me and our son stupid, retards, morons – the list is endless.
My ex and son work together a lot (self-employed), and people have commented on how rude my ex is to our son. Our son is lazy and is slow when working, but I have always told my ex that there is no need to be nasty and call him names. Not to molly coddle him, but to teach him the right way and in time he will excel at his own pace.

But I am the main focus now and I am the one who gets the temper. He used to be a kind and generous person too – even though he had outbursts, but not anymore. He now says that I should have worked more. I understand that – but from the day we met, we had an old fashioned type of relationship – where the man worked. Then we moved four years ago, and I worked for three years, until my dad got worse and I now care for him. Dad cannot be left alone. My ex is not very supportive with my dad and he gets angry that my siblings do not help. But I say that I agree my siblings are not great, but him shouting to me about it does not help me. My sister has been better and I have told her about our relationship breakdown. But she cannot help me as she lives abroad.

My ex has told me that when my dad dies, that I need to move out. That is fine – but I have nothing. We are not married – so I am not entitled to anything and he says because I have not worked much – that I do not deserve anything.

My ex inherited holiday apartments from his Aunt and for the past two years, we have made changes and tried to run it. But it was not updated since the 80s. My ex put in new kitchens etc and I bought home furnishings. He did give me some money – but unfortunately it was not what I spent and now I have a debt. Dad also pays rent, but that goes on food for the five of us living here and my son and his girlfriend eat loads. I applied for Carer’s Allowance, but was refused as dad is not on benefit. So I applied for Attendance Allowance – but when I phoned yesterday, they said a decision will not be made until January. My ex is quite well off, but you wouldn’t know that. He tells me off if I use the oven, if I put too much water in the kettle and he even turns my dad’s radiator down, when at (detail removed by moderator) – he feels the cold.

I don’t mind moving out when dad dies and saying about dad dying sounds harsh – but I have to face facts. I don’t mind living in a studio flat and getting a job again – but I am at a loss as where to start. I feel so alone.

Can you please advise me? I would be so grateful. Half of what has gone on I have not written as I have gone on too much now

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, it’s hard isnt it. You’ve took a step in the right direction by coming on here though. Could you contact your local WA centres, if safe to do so. They can give support and excellent legal and findancial advice. They can also help get you a place of your own,through local council, that your dad could move into too.
We have to think logically instead of emotionally. So first things first, write down what you want and need, and put into place steps to achieve it. Its not easy, it really is baby steps. 1 forward 6 back sometimes, high days and really low days. We are all here to listen to you and give what advice we can, only you can decide to act on it. Everything via WA is at your pace, no one pushes or forces you to do anything you don’t want to.
Have you thought about contacting your dr about your situation. Our abusers rely on our feelings of shame and reticence so we stay stuck. Once we open the door and talk to someone, there are so many hands willing to help🙂🙂
Take care and know there is help out there
IWMB 💕💕

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