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    • #95735

      Can anyone shed some light please on what a referral to children’s services does? I spoke to a women’s services worker today regarding my daughters dads behaviour and she put a referral in and also put one in for a MARAC too. I have never had any involvement with either and I’m very scared. I’m absolutely terrified that they will take my daughter. I know everyone circulates horror stories about Social services and I’m trying not to listen but I’m absolutely petrified.

    • #95737
      diymum@1
      Participant

      Social services will expect you to be away from your child’s father. To keep her safe – so the MARAC referral means they’re taking this seriously. They feel you and your child are not safe. I’m not sure off what has happened but I’d ss are involved when it comes to child arrangements insist on supervised access or even no contact. Keep your distance from him that’s all ss want to see. The pitfall for women and this dosent happen so much theses days. It’s when women go back and that can be due to trauma bonding. This is something that’s is often misunderstood in domestic abuse by ss xx so if your out don’t go back. Xxxx

    • #95740
      diymum@1
      Participant

      And don’t be scared be honest with ss and get clued up books like why does he do that and when dad hurts mum by Lundy Bancroft are great sources to follow xx he has a web site

    • #95741

      I am in the process of trying to get him removed from my house. The house is in my name and he refuses to leave unless I call the police. He says though if he calls the police he will hurt them which I obviously don’t want my daughter to see. I have reported this to a women’s DA worker who referred it to social services and told me they would call me within the week and a Marac would take place. I am absolutely petrified they will take my child. I have no intention of going back to him. I want absolutely nothing to do with him and intend to get an injunction. But I don’t know what SS will do or say when they ring me. I feel sick I can’t sleep or eat with worry.

    • #95744
      diymum@1
      Participant

      They won’t take her. Have you called womens aid yet? It would be best to get their advice you could get an occupation order to get him out or prohibited steps order. This will take time but don’t wait till something else happens. If he kicks of with the police he will be charged and this will go in your favour. I know this is hard and you might feel sorry for him but they play the victim. Put yourself and your child first get a plan with WA for him to be out in a safe way xx

    • #95745
      diymum@1
      Participant

      You can’t do this on your own you need support as will support you so will the police and your GP xx don’t worry your protecting her by doing everything you can especially by reaching out xx health visitor could help too x

    • #95746
      diymum@1
      Participant

      I’m mean social services are there to protect your child so your doing the same they will work with you xx and I promise you won’t loose her that’s the last thing ss want. Kids thrive when their mother is allowed to thrive xx

    • #95747
      diymum@1
      Participant

      When they call tell them you want him out and your getting in touch with all the above professionals xx get started on a list and make some calls tomorrow if you can xx you can email your gp practice xx

    • #95760
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Rockandrolldreamscometrue,

      I just wanted to show you some support here. It’s totally understandable why you’d be feeling scared of having social services involvement but they just need to make sure you and your children are safe.

      I’m really glad you’ve got a DV worker in place; can you speak to her today just to talk things through? They should be able to give you that advocacy with social services if you need it.

      Your worker should be able to give you some help getting an injunction if you did need one, but if you need any more support with this you could also speak to DV Assist (a specialist injunctions service) on 0800 195 8699.

      Keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,

      Lisa,
      Forum Moderator

    • #95775

      Thankyou both for your advice. I went to a women’s advice centre today to see what the next steps are but they couldn’t see me cause I had my daughter with me. She said no under 18s allowed on premises so I will go for Moore when my daughter is in school. The women’s worker I spoke to on the phone didn’t tell me what the next steps were. She just said wait for child services to ring which could be this week or next. I will report to the police tomorrow once my daughter is in school, I would of gone today but my daughters dad was in town too and if he had seen me go into the station ((detail removed by moderator)) he would of questioned me, but do I tell the school or do I keep it normal until I know what’s happening with the police and his removal from my home? I’m not really sure what I’m meant to be doing, I don’t know if I should leave the home and go somewhere safe until all is reported to the relevant people.

    • #95777
      diymum@1
      Participant

      Can you go somewhere like family or a friends house? Remember leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time. So do it when you know he’s out for a long period of time and have someone with you xx I’d let the school know what’s happening. Does he have his name on the mortgage ? KIP might be able to advise on this side off things or Lisa xx

    • #95778
      diymum@1
      Participant

      Dv assist I’d call them for advice xx

    • #95782
      diymum@1
      Participant

      Who can apply: occupation order
      You can apply for an occupation order if you’re a victim of domestic violence and meet the requirements. The order will say who can live in the family home or enter the surrounding area.

      You can apply if:

      you own or rent the home and it is, was, or was intended to be shared with a husband or wife, civil partner, cohabitant, family member, person you’re engaged to or parent of your child
      you do not own or rent the home but you’re married or in a civil partnership with the owner and you’re living in the home (known as ‘matrimonial home rights’)
      your former husband, wife or civil partner is the owner or tenant, and the home is, was, or was intended to be your shared matrimonial home
      the person you cohabit or cohabited with is the owner or tenant, and the home is, was, or was intended to be your shared home

    • #95783
      diymum@1
      Participant

      Such applications are very serious, and they deserve the same level of care and attention that applications for financial remedies and orders in respect of children receive.

      Many of these applications are made at the start of the separation process, often in response to a particular incident between the parties, and there can be an urgent need to secure orders to safeguard applicants and/or their children. This urgency can lead to important steps not being taken at an early stage which might affect the success of the application.

      This short article considers a few key points which are worth addressing at the outset of the application process. I have assumed that the application being considered is made under s33 FLA 1996 (where the applicant has the right to occupy or has home rights and the property is/was their home or was intended to be their home with the respondent).

      1. There are two ways in which the order can be made;
      the mandatory test under s33(7) and the discretionary test under s33(6)

      Chalmers v Johns [1999] 1 FLR 392 established that the court must first consider the balance of harm test in s33(7) FLA 1996 and if that test is satisfied in favour of the applicant or any relevant child the court shall make the occupation order. However, if the evidence does not support an order being made under s33(7) the court will then consider the discretionary regime in 33(6) and may make an occupation order. Both tests are set out in full at the end of this article.

      Many applications focus on allegations of harm and do not deal with the circumstances set out in s33(6). The best way to deal with an application for an occupation order is to set out the evidence which will satisfy both tests. If the Judge is not with you on the allegations of harm you can rely on the court’s discretionary power to seek an order.

      2. The court needs financial information to assess the affordability of the proposals
      In order to establish that an order should be made under s33(6) the statement in support should set out the financial information required in that subsection. The court will struggle to make orders without any details of the parties’ income/savings/outgoings, costs of running the property or costs of renting nearby.

      The statement should set out the affordability of what is being proposed. If the applicant has no income and the respondent is not in a position to fund a rental property and maintain the outgoings on the family home then the applicant may need to reconsider what is being sought.

      3. Applicants may not secure an occupation order until a final hearing and will need to consider what interim arrangements can be put in place
      Unless the balance of harm test is plainly made out or the respondent agrees to vacate the property the court is unlikely to make an order without notice to the respondent, or at the first directions hearing if the application is contested. Many applicants find the court’s refusal to make orders distressing and then struggle to think about what they would like to happen in the interim.

      One option for an interim measure is to invite the court to make an order which regulates the occupation of the property. Judges are often prepared to be creative about this and will be open to proposals for rota systems (regulating the use of the kitchen/bathroom/living room) or dividing up the house (if it is large enough) to give the parties their own space and to reduce the opportunity for conflict. It may be better to have a regulation order in place than no order at all.

      4. Consider the urgency of the application
      If the application is urgent there will be limited time to prepare and important information may not be made available for the court (police/local authority disclosure, evidence of financial information, medical evidence etc). If the respondent is already out of the property that takes the urgency out of the situation. The respondent may have bail conditions not to attend the property, a restraining order, or a DVPN/DVPO. These will be time limited and it is important to know when they expire. An applicant may have sufficient protection under a DVPO for the next 28 days which allows time for the application to be properly prepared with evidence in support.

      5. Ancillary orders may be necessary to make the arrangements work
      An applicant may not be able to afford the mortgage and other running costs of the property if the respondent moves out and refuses to make those payments. This can be incredibly stressful for the applicant and may lead to financial hardship and the risk of repossession of the property.

      S40 FLA 1996 contains a list of additional provisions that can be included in an occupation order to provide some financial security, such as obligations to:

      Repair and maintain the property
      Pay the rent, mortgage or other outgoings
      Make periodical payments in respect of the accommodation
      In order to make any of these orders the court will require evidence of the parties’ financial needs, resources and obligations so it is important to provide as much evidence as possible in relation to both parties.

      Section 33(7) and s33(6) of the Family Law Act 1996

      Section 33(7):
      ‘If it appears to the court that the applicant or any relevant child is likely to suffer significant harm attributable to conduct of the respondent if an order under this section containing one or more of the provisions mentioned in subsection (3) is not made, the court shall make the order unless it appears to the court that –

      the respondent or any relevant child is likely to suffer significant harm if the order is made; and
      the harm likely to be suffered by the respondent or the child in that event is as great as, or greater than, the harm attributable to conduct of the respondent which is likely to be suffered by the applicant or child if the order is not made.’
      Section 33(6):
      ‘In deciding whether to exercise its powers under subsection (3) and (if so) in what manner, the court shall have regard to all the circumstances including –

      the housing needs and housing resources of each of the parties and of any relevant child;
      the financial resources of each of the parties;
      the likely effect of any order, or of any decision by the court not to exercise its powers under subsection (3) on the health, safety or well-being of the parties and of any relevant child; and
      the conduct of the parties in relation to each other and otherwise.’

    • #95784
      diymum@1
      Participant

      can you get witness statements of his behaviour from people – neighbours friends family? back u up in his behavior?

    • #95785

      His family know what he is like. But whether they will admit it is a different story. I have messages from his mother admitting he has caused her major anxiety and she feels scared to leave the house because of it and that she has to tread on egg shells around him. (He is verbally abusive to her too) I also have a recording of him kicking off so I do have evidence but whether it can be used I don’t know because I know you can’t use recordings as evidence unless the other party has consented to being recorded. His mum told me that even his own brother said I should call the police, again though his brother may choose to back him and may deny his statement. My next door neighbour has never seen him kick off but she does know about the situation and can vouch that I have reported him before and that I want to leave him. He got sacked from his job yesterday and he said he punched some lockers in anger. Whether anyone saw him do it is a different story and if anyone saw him do it whether they would admit it I don’t know

    • #95786

      In fact my friend can back me up in being a witness to one of his kick offs. She lives in a different part of the country to me but was visiting when he kicked off about something. She would back me up that he is volatile. In fact I have two separate friends that can back me on two separate occasions. He doesn’t keep his temper hidden from people, he has kicked off on bus drivers, taxi drivers, shop keepers (not always with me present) But I have no clue how to contact any of these people so they could back me up. Thinking about it he had a letter from his doctors surgery saying that he had been verbally abusive to a doctor and if he did it once more he would be taken off the surgery list for good. He would of no doubt binned the letter by now but I wonder if they keep it on file?

    • #95787
      diymum@1
      Participant

      well when you go for the order request his medical records (for the judge) his police DBS reports get your friends to writ statements date and signed. i was told to do this not sure why? get your evidence together and you can use this when u need to get child contact sorted. xx your medical records can be pulled and you can get a copy of those. xx i wouldnt bother with his side of the family but the texts are evidence. keep a diary x

    • #95789
      diymum@1
      Participant

      this way with ss calling you you can say youve done your home work got a plan and your on it xx they will support you all the way xx they will see you as more than capable xx

    • #95790

      I know he was in trouble with the police a lot when he was younger. I don’t know if his criminal record has been wiped though because he was young. I can tell them about it anyway and see. Sorry if I’m being thick but do I have to apply for an injunction and then the police will remove him from my home or am I just able to report him and then they will remove him? X

    • #95792
      diymum@1
      Participant

      you could apply for this Ex Parte Orders

      Getting a non-molestation or occupation order ex-parte
      This means your abuser is unaware of the application until it is served on them – at which point it comes into effect.

    • #95793
      diymum@1
      Participant

      id call the dv assist number – i know there are different ways of doing tis so through the civil court the police or through a lawyer xx your not silly the legal stuff is mind bending lol xx

    • #95795

      I’ll have to call them tomorrow cause he will be in for the night now. I just want him out. If I had somewhere to go I would leave with my daughter and just leave him in the house. The legal stuff is so confusing isn’t it. the woman worker I spoke to on the phone said that if I called the police they have to remove him cause it’s my house and he shouldn’t be there if I don’t want him to be xx

    • #95796
      diymum@1
      Participant

      i know lots of jargen but the professionals will do it for you as long as you know what to ask for. its your house so call dv assist tomorrow try to take a deep breath and do this safely x*x

    • #95797
      diymum@1
      Participant

      i did this in an uncontrolled way – i put him out the house and he wouldnt go because i had nothing in place i had no idea about court orders. i had to get the police eventually because i got stuck in the house. once i called the police he knew not to do it again. he was kept in over night and it was on his record. when i went for child custody this didnt look good xx i wish i had gotten the professionals involved from the start xx

    • #95802

      Oh gosh. Why didn’t it look good if you don’t mind me asking? I thought it would go on your side if he got arrested and had to spend a night in the cells xx

    • #95804
      diymum@1
      Participant

      oh no it didnt look good on him!! xx

    • #95805

      Ohhh thought you meant it didn’t look good on you! Having a thick day today lol xx

    • #95806

      I just feel the longer my child is in the house with him then the more it looks like I’m doing nothing. I know once he has left the property the risk reduces massively which is why I’m so desperate to get him outxx

    • #95807
      diymum@1
      Participant

      not at all – when your worried its hard to concentrate on all off this legal stuff. it took me years to get my head round it all. trial and error with the solicitors really xx

    • #95810

      Thankyou for listening to me rant lol. I will do absolutely anything to keep my baby safe, I just want this to be over it feels like a nightmare xx

    • #95811
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      By the sounds of it you’re doing all the right things here. If the house is in your name and as long as he doesn’t have marital rights you shouldn’t have to get an Occupation Order- an Occupation would legally remove someone from the property but you shouldn’t need this if he has no rights to be there in the first place. I’d still encourage you to speak to DV Assist tomorrow if you can and talk through getting a Non-Molestation Order. This is a court order which would stop him from coming back to the property/ harassing you/ contacting you. Your local domestic abuse service may be able to help you get the locks changed when he’s out tomorrow if you need this, so please do contact them again.

      There’s no real ‘right answer’ in terms of the order in which to do things; obviously your safety and your children’s safety needs to come first so it might be worth speaking to the police before talking to the school, but at the same time talking to the school would be good just to let them know in case he turns up there. I’m hoping your local domestic abuse service can give you some support with all this so you’re not having to do it all by yourself- it all sounds really overwhelming at the moment so please do ask any questions you need to- feel free to private message me if you need too.

      Try to keep all this away from him, but if anything escalates this evening then don’t hesitate to call the police for help,

      Lisa

    • #95815

      Thankyou Lisa.
      No he has absolutely no rights to be in my house at all. The house and all the bills are in my name and I pay the rent and all bills out of my own money and have done since he removed his name from the house ages ago. He is hanging around because he doesn’t want to go anywhere else and I assume it’s a control thing. I will apply for a non molestation order to stop him coming near me. I don’t know if that would get him out of the house though? I am going to go to the women’s centre tomorrow where they have a drop in solicitor service so hopefully I can get some advice and then I shall go to the police. I just want him gone and that order in place and then I can start working with the correct people to get plans in place so we are safe and are moving forward happily knowing the right things are being done. Thankyou, I would really appreciate the support as I really don’t know how this will play out. He is a very malicious person and will more than likely make stuff up about me to stop this happening to him.

    • #95817
      diymum@1
      Participant

      they wont listen to hear say so dont worry. fact is what they want and you sound like you have lots of people who will back you up xx

    • #95818

      I do that is very true. I can prove a million times over that everything I do is in the best interest of my daughter. I don’t have any vices, i rarely spend money on myself, my daughter is fed, warm and in clean clothes. I can prove that she leads a happy life and that it is down to myself. Anyone that knows me would back me up and say that I am a fit parent. Sorry I know I’m ranting again, I feel like if I write it all down it is now clear in my mind xx

    • #95820
      diymum@1
      Participant

      dont apologise ive walked in your shoes here if you need an ear xx

    • #95821

      Did you get the outcome you wanted? I am hoping with every fibre of me that once he knows I want him gone he accepts and doesn’t resist and will just agree to my terms xx

    • #95823
      diymum@1
      Participant

      ye i did i felt scared to act like you – scared id loose my child but i held my truth and kept going. it didnt always go my way and some people refused to help but enough people stepped up to the plate. he knows not to come near us and i got full custody off my daughter xx looking back it was all worth it – just keep going do something towards this every day and have a day off when your fed up with it all. read about it make lists and call the services you need. we havent seen him now for a few years we wont be seeing him again by the looks off it xx

    • #95825

      That’s great. I am so pleased he is leaving you and your daughter in peace. I really hope that mine decides to do the same and can see that he is in the wrong xx

    • #95829
      diymum@1
      Participant

      the thing is and with me too. they never admit to anything because in their strange minds they think they have the right to do this. right to the end with heeps off evidence he denied everything. which made him look really stupid and a blatant liar. they saw through him and the minite he was revealed he gave up xx

    • #95848

      Really? That’s so odd isn’t it. You’d think that he would just come clean and accept whatever was coming to him. It sounds like he enjoyed being the way he was and that’s not right at all xx

    • #95852
      diymum@1
      Participant

      thats because your rational – he wont be lol i hope you get on ok today love xx

    • #95859

      I have phoned DV assist and she said for me to send over the relevant documents and she can apply for a non molestation order for me today. She said with any luck they might be able to take a witness statement from me today and have it in court by early next week. I don’t know what this really means though. The police can’t come here to take a witness statement as he is still here and would know what I’ve been trying to do. Well, I don’t mind them coming here at all tbh but I think he would put up a fight. I don’t know what court I go to either or anything I have sent over the paperwork to the woman at DV assist and I’m just waiting on her reply.

    • #95860
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi, the statement is one you or a witness give to the da lady that’s handed to the court with your application. Sometimes you may need a solicitor to approve it but meantime if you can keep a secret journal of his behaviour.
      Please don’t believe a word he says and ring the police on 999 if you ever feel threatened by him. My ex was full of bs too but when faced with the police he was just a pathetic cowardly little man. You see they are big when abusing women and children but just wait till two six foot policemen in riot gear ask him to leave x

    • #95861

      Who will come out to take the statement? Or does she ring me back and I give it to her via the phone?
      No you’re right, I don’t trust a word he says at all. He said he isn’t scared of police and he always said if I called them he would make it worth their while. I am currently writing a diary of incidents of his behaviour x

    • #95862
      KIP.
      Participant

      Make sure you tell the police that he has threatened them. That’s really important so they’re prepared. I’m not sure how it works in this case. I know it can be done over the phone, but not sure if it needs signed by you. Try not to overthink and be guided by them but they won’t put you in danger x

    • #95863
      KIP.
      Participant

      Add that to your statement x

    • #95869
      diymum@1
      Participant

      yeh they will guide you xx youll feel better now things are moving? let the professionals deal with him. im glad you got on fine xx

    • #95875

      Police have removed him guys. They took him into custody (detail removed by moderator) after I called them on him after he became abusive and got in my face. He was horrible then left to go to the shops, I locked all doors and put my key in the door but because he had a key his key pushed mine through so he managed to get back in. Luckily the police were on route by this point. The police were brilliant but as you said KIP he became as good as gold in front of police and went with them with absolutely no complaints. I heard him telling the officer that all it was was an argument. The police have taken everything from me and are trying to get orders against him but they said still good ahead with the non mol order.

    • #95877
      diymum@1
      Participant

      omg this is good news are you ok? wow this has all happened so fast xx

    • #95878

      They also took pictures of the damage he has done to my house ((detail removed by moderator)) he also admitted to the police that he did (detail removed by moderator). Other than that he is behaving well apparently.

    • #95879
      diymum@1
      Participant

      thats intimidating horrible. sounds like the police are right at the back off you to support you. everything will fall into place now. maybe a womens aid worker could help to support you and document whats happened with the gp especially if this happened infront of your little one xx

    • #95880
      diymum@1
      Participant

      and he will try to weedle his way back in so id exchange one message saying you will discuss the house /child arrangements through a solicitor- do not contact me please. then if he keeps texting this is classed as harassment. so you can let the police know. id then block him – it seems harsh but in reality he has brought you to this. these men are very similar he might say he will try to kill himself so call an ambulance. dont get sucked back in xx love diymum

    • #95890

      Luckily my little one was at school so is none the wiser about what happened. Everything was “normal” when she left and he was long gone by the time I picked her up as normal. I am grateful that she saw nothing.
      Yes the police were absolutely great and really are trying to get these orders in place. They have told him I want no contact and I want him to stay away so they said if he does not respect this and starts texting and calling it could be seen as harassment. He’s staying with relatives according to the police so if he is suicidal that is their problem, I sound harsh but I am done with him guilt tripping me into feeling guilty. He always told me he would kill himself yet told the police today he has never had any suicidal thoughts, more lies xx

    • #95900
      KIP.
      Participant

      Well done. If he does contact you in any form please report it to the police right away. Yes they’re liars. If he is suicidal then his relatives should call an ambulance but when the ambulance appears I bet he would change his tune again. They are liars and manipulators. No doubt he only saves this behaviour for you and in front of others he will play the victim. Try to relax a little if you can. Keep your mobile phone on you at all times fully charged and if you can afford to change the locks I’d do that right away. Also ask the police to put a marker on your phone number and address so they will come quickly if you ring. Victim support and women’s aid can support you too. Good for you, I know how hard that was to go through. Block and delete his details and stick to zero contact. Dump his belongings with a friend or family as soon as you can so he has no reason to contact you x

    • #95904

      Police have phoned me to update me. He’s still in custody apparently. The officer informed me that he HAS admitted to threatening me, damaging my property and to having anger and Mh issues. (detail removed by moderator). I will hand it to the police that they have been absolutely on the ball with this. (detail removed by moderator). He will be released tonight but his bail conditions are that he isn’t to go near me or my house or contact me.

    • #95906
      diymum@1
      Participant

      You might have time pass with no contact and you’ll feel tempted to find out if he’s ok. Only natural – you don’t sound trauma bonded but it’s worth looking up how this feels it’s strong emotional pining for him and it’s overwhelming and this is when you can get hoovered back in. Ride it through as it will pass just keep safety as your top priority xx

    • #95908
      diymum@1
      Participant

      Sorry just saw this – this is all in you and your daughter best interest. I think the only reason ss will be involved now is to make sure of contact is granted it will be supervised xx

    • #95911
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey that’s great. If he gets bail conditions you won’t need a non molestation order. If he breaks the bail conditions he can be arrested again. This worked out much better for me as he can’t argue with bail conditions but he can challenge a non molestation order. Not that he would stand much chance in court. Don’t worry about court. If he does plead not guilty you can give evidence via a video link or behind screens. There’s lots of help if it gets that far. It’s good that you are cooperating with the police and I’d advise you telling them everything. Showing them all the evidence you have. Get them to do the work for you. Remember the national domestic abuse helpline is 24/7 if you need to speak to someone x well done. It’s great to see the police stepping up and protecting you x

    • #95916
      diymum@1
      Participant

      I think this is amazing xx it’s a huge step forward to freedom xx

    • #95923

      Thankyou guys.
      Yes he has bail conditions that have been outlined to me that will prevent him from contacting me or turning up. I am still very scared but I am feeling relieved that me and my daughter are safe at last. Xx

    • #95928
      diymum@1
      Participant

      You are. I have to say the police were great with me. They even came back later to check I was ok xx hope you get some peace now. I’m so glad for you I admire your strength what we will do for our kids eh ! Xx

    • #95935

      Thankyou x*x yes definitely, we will do anything to protect our little ones! I just did not want her growing up thinking this is normal and I’m so glad she won’t xx

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