23rd March 2021 at 9:29 am #123703
I have spoken by chat to women’s aid who did tell me it looks like emotional abuse, but since I have spoken to a counsellor – who didn’t really say either way. I am still confused. I thought writing it in black and white may help hearing different peoples opinions.
He hasn’t ever touched me, its all psychological. Passive aggression, moods, ups and downs, subtle put downs, financially taking advantage, I have a steady wage and he doesn’t. Being the ‘king of the castle’ even though, when I have left him, my condition for returning is to be equal, – financially & chore wise.
Let me give a few major signs.
Once I told him, I’m scared of you because of your anger and reactions, he hit the table and said – ‘you haven’t seen angry.’
I go around in circles, one moment everything is fine and I am happy in my relationship. Other moments I want to leave. These moments can span from minutes to days.
I have bloating and energy problems, if I go away for a while and stay with my parents, the bloating gets better and I have more energy.
But ofcourse he is on the phone being the perfect guy, and I go back because I only remember the good things.
He brings me down, but it’s so subtle I really don’t know if it’s my fault or his.
He is very old fashioned, he will cook a dinner, but literally everything else I do. He gets angry if I don’t (detail removed by moderator), – I leave them for a couple hours, then he will be noisily take them (detail removed by moderator)
A song may be playing – I will say I don’t like this song – he says ‘I don’t care’
The other day we (detail removed by moderator), he said, i would never do this to you, i said jokingly, i’ll kill you if you did. Then (detail removed by moderator) later – he says – ‘if you ever take my children away i will kill you’. I said, but i was joking, he said – ‘so am I’…(he didnt look like he was joking)
I leave his (detail removed by moderator). He goes into the room and swears and slams the cupboards whilst (detail removed by moderator).
He says on (detail removed by moderator) – he is going out for work – I say what on a (detail removed by moderator)? I overhear that he is actually going to go (detail removed by moderator). I tell him, why did you lie? He gaslights me and says – ‘I didn’t say that’
We have no kids, I have had 2 abortions with him, each time I got pregnant, he just told me we are not ready, we can’t do it etc, afterwards he makes me feel bad about it by saying – ‘(detail removed by moderator)’, I am completely devastated from these experiences. He has taken my inner light away. But now he starts to say he wants us to have kids. It makes me nervous. There is no way I can have kids with him…
I want to leave whilst he is out, but each time I have the opportunity I say to myself ‘next time, this is too stressful’.
23rd March 2021 at 9:44 am #123704KIP.Participant
Absolutely horrific emotional abuse. He doesn’t have to hit you because his aggressive behaviour is controlling you well enough. You’re scared of him and that’s reason enough to walk away from this relationship. There’s absolutely nothing you can do that will prevent his abuse. They simply move the goal posts. How very cruel of him to taunt you over abortions. That’s such a deeply private and intimate thing. So cruel and damaging mentally. It sounds like you already know how abusive and destructive this man is to you and you’re looking for validation but you don’t need anyone’s validation. Work with women’s aid on a safe exit plan because he sounds like the typical abuser who will resort to violence when his aggressive threatening behaviour can’t control you anymore.
11th June 2021 at 4:12 pm #127043
Hi Kip, I am re-reading all these posts, it’s helpful for me. I have amnesia, as soon as I leave, I cannot remember the bad. I keep re-reading my diary’s and these posts..Still am in contact, i cant make that last step.
I have really been wondering, why does he keep making a big thing about children? Like when we see kids in life or tv – he points them out and says that could be you. Or says ‘we don’t have kids only pets’. Just always pointing it out to me.. Why does he do that?
23rd March 2021 at 9:46 am #123705KIP.Participant
No one should ever be scared of their lift partner. That a huge red flag. Abuse is insidious. It creeps up little by little. Small actions, phrases, gestures, lies, gaslighting. We minimise to cope. We make excuses for them until their abusive behaviour becomes normal to us x my advice is to run for the hills. Run fast and don’t ever look back x
23rd March 2021 at 12:29 pm #123706LottieblueParticipant
KIP is 100% right.
I don’t have much time to add more right now but what I do want to say is that I have learnt the hard way that very, very few counsellors really understand emotional abuse. I have at last found someone but it’s taken months. Use Women’s Aid, really lean on them. Speak to a lawyer so you know where you stand – Women’s Aid may be able to recommend one with the right background (mine recommended three) – and ask the lawyer if they know of counsellors who know their stuff. It’s really important.
Also, join a Freedom Programme. Massively recommended.
Sorry, need to go. X*x
23rd March 2021 at 1:30 pm #123708HawthornParticipant
Just wanted to add my support. Yes it is abuse and yes your gut is 100% right about not wanting to have children with him. Your story could have been mine, and when enough of my light was dimmed and spirit broken my abuser escalated to violence. Please dont wait for that to happen. Abuse always gets worse. Google the power and control wheel and reach out to womens aid for support with making an exit plan.
You do not deserve this situation but you can escape it. Good luck and keep reaching out here too x*x
4th April 2021 at 11:35 pm #124308
Oh, this resonates I just realised with my own situation. That was what he was doing the whole time breaking me down psychologically and spiritually first. It was just under a year that he started to show signs of becoming more physical (subtly), with a blatant display of aggression when I was due to leave for a new place. Just dawned on me the tantrum he threw could have been because he knew I was leaving. I got out ladies, and I’m safe but wow!
24th March 2021 at 6:23 am #123736CatjamParticipant
Hi, this is abuse and I am so sorry you are having to endure this.
Look up Lundy Bancroft. He has written several books but the one I would recommend is ‘Why does he do that’. I am planning on leaving my situation within the next few weeks but even now I am second guessing myself.
It can be so subtle and build up over time that you don’t realise the situation you are in.
Mine has not been physical for years but the fear is still there.
The fact you have reached out on here and to Women’s aid shows you know the situation isn’t right.
Keep strong and keep asking questions.
1st April 2021 at 8:33 pm #124157
I’d say this is more than ’emotional’ abuse.
Although you say he’s not touched you he is physically aggressive. You’re afraid of him and he knows it.
‘Taking advantage’ of you financially may be considered financial abuse.
Being talked into terminating a pregnancy or being talked into getting pregnant are examples of reproductive coercion. Also classed as abusive behaviour.
Just one of these would be a good reason to leave. But, really, being miserable, scared and physically ill are reasons enough. It doesn’t have to be labelled as abuse before we’re allowed to call time on a relationship.
It’s likely that he feels you slipping away. He’ll see getting you pregnant as a way to keep you tied to him. But please know that abuse nearly always escalates during pregnancy. There’s lots of evidence that physical abuse often starts when the woman is at her most vulnerable.
You have left him before and you can do it again.
2nd April 2021 at 8:26 am #124184DarcyParticipant
Hi beautiful Angel… Eyesopening,
I think you know deep down that this is abuse and not a healthy and balanced relationship.
Even your body is telling you that, if you don’t listen to the mental signs your body will then start telling you physically, which is what your body has done, as you say when you go to your parents your bloating eases… this is your body screaming at you to take notice!
There are lots of different types of abuse and names for it, but it doesn’t matter how you want to ‘label’ this… it is abuse. Don’t get caught up on naming it, use your energy to get out of it.
Love is kind and gentle and compassionate … and this is not what you are experiencing so you need to start looking at your options for leaving before it does anymore damage to your mental and physical well being.
The ladies above have given you some great advice so stay connected to the forum
Sending you continued love and support
3rd April 2021 at 6:18 am #124224
Thankyou so so much for your support and your replies. I’m really grateful.
I’m glad you say that Lottieblue re counselors because she confused me even more.
I really struggled to read all your replies, I kept putting it off, I can’t even read back my message, I do journal but, I found this extremely overwhelming. Like I was being shaken out of a dream and waking up but this doesn’t feel real. I go through the cycles, I see him for what he is and want to leave, make plans, I made a plan a year ago with Women’s Aid, but then I push the date back, I say next weekend, next weekend, then I say, I will pretend I’m going to stay at my parents at Christmas/summer and never go back, but then he calls and calls. Then he’s nice and I get brainwashed into thinking things might be ok. So I never leave. Its so hard when the WHOLE outside would doesn’t understand.
And Yes I definitely think it would be dangerous to confront him when I leave, which makes going through with the exit plan slightly terrifying…
I do have a current plan, but how do I keep to it…I’m extremely exhausted and the energy for this doesn’t seem to be there. Also when I am safe away, how do I tell him? I thought I could leave a letter somewhere hidden? Txt him when I’m safe where to find the letter then block him on everything immediately. I don’t want to hear any reply.
Thankyou, much love x*x
3rd April 2021 at 8:52 am #124225
Also, do you think these things are connected, I dont feel safe anymore in public alone, I feel like I’m a target for men and it’s dangerous to be alone Anywhere a bit deserted.
I used to be the opposite..
Also, I cannot get things like pap tests anymore, I worry about it before, cannot stand it and can hardly let the nurse do it..
I think He is financially abusive, he has taken money out of my wallet without telling me- when i asked him why he just made an angry face and was silent. He’s also paid for things on my card without telling me. I’m thankful in a way because if he could of provided i would of gone ahead and had children with him.
4th April 2021 at 11:40 pm #124310
I have noticed I definitely feel more comfortable around women at the moment. I’m giving myself the time and space to do that, I know it’s because of what I’ve been through. Hopefully I’ll balance out again over time.
6th April 2021 at 12:02 pm #124375
That’s good to hear and I am definitely in that place, gosh I just realize I’m actually uncomfortable around men, even any partners of my good friends who I have known for years. I can’t quite relax and be myself around them …. :/
3rd April 2021 at 1:46 pm #124230
Don’t beat yourself up for staying. Take your time. Contact WA again to refresh your safe exit plan.
Leaving an abuser isn’t the same as a ‘normal’ breakup. We often feel we need permission to leave. You know from experience that your abuser won’t allow you to go. Like the majority of abusers he doesn’t like it when he loses control over you. So he starts with the harassment and the charm offensive – calling, texting, saying he’ll change, telling you that you can’t just go, you HAVE to work at it, give him another chance. Try to remember that it’s not YOU he’s missing. He’s missing his CONTROL over you. It’s hurtful to accept this, but you must.
You’re right not to give him any inkling of your plans. You’re also right to go zero contact once you’ve got out. It’s probably a good idea to inform him that you have gone, once you’re safe. A text or email stating that you have moved out, left him, and not to contact you. Block his number. Don’t read emails. Keep off social media.
4th April 2021 at 11:43 pm #124311
Yes, do any of you relate to it feeling almost like a spiritual connection that we’re obliged to stay in? Like we’ll give up on them or something if we leave? So weird.
3rd April 2021 at 6:07 pm #124235LottieblueParticipant
I was like you, a couple of months before I left I started to feel afraid to go out in public. It was a really weird feeling and I couldn’t really describe or explain it.
By the time I eventually left I had no choice. I was scared about what I would do if I didn’t. I felt like hat he had destroyed me, stolen my very being. He had no respect for me or my feelings and I had so many years of being belittled and dismissed that I actually lost my sense of self. I felt like my personhood had been taken away, that I was a shell with no humanity inside. I’m sure it’s best to leave before you feel as “dead” as I did.
It won’t go on and on as it is now. It will get worse.
4th April 2021 at 1:13 pm #124275
Thanks for your replies,
I will do so Camel and i am on that way Lottieblue.
I never even mentioned how often he tells me ‘over men hit their women’ and ‘i have never treated a women so well’
Now I realize its a threat & a load of rubbish.
I have read Wolf in sheeps clothing by GK Simon and TheDenominator, i will try whats been suggested also. So i like to identify what he is doing exactly, but I’m still confused sometimes.
why does he do this? why every moment he says look at this, watch this etc etc, i can never just do my own thing. I can’t relax.
(detail removed by Moderator) he said the strangest thing to me, he said – (detail removed by Moderator)
What was that about…?!
Oh and he always tells me, ofcourse when we have kids i wont do this or that and i will be there for you and help you. He tries to point out how people have changed around us who are having kids – but i cannot believe him..
and I didn’t mention before but i am pretty sure he tried to get me pregnant and also didn’t get me the morning after pill when i needed it…
I started (detail removed by Moderator) in lockdownand he’s even said ‘I’m jealous of them’ because i spend time (detail removed by Moderator) and after I’m tired ‘so i wasted my energy on (detail removed by Moderator)’
Sorry for the long message, i feel like i finally found a place where I’m understood.
4th April 2021 at 1:44 pm #124276
I wouldn’t waste any more precious time and energy trying to make sense of the nonsense that comes out of his mouth.
Think about what’s happened since he TOLD you (detail removed by Moderator) You got drawn in. You asked (detail removed by Moderator). He didn’t give a reason. You said you’re not (detail removed by Moderator). He told you that you are. How many hours have you spent since, trying to make sense of this BS?
By the way, you can’t get the morning after pill for someone else. The woman is taken to a private room for a chat with the chemist before they sell it. Act quickly if this happens again. The last thing you need is to fall pregnant with his child.
4th April 2021 at 5:45 pm #124284
I see what you mean, ofcourse, I’m wasting energy on whatever he says..
Ah this was when we were in (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, you could just walk into a pharmacy for anything. But its only recently I started to think he may have done it on purpose x
4th April 2021 at 7:29 pm #124292
Ah, sorry 🙂 Guessing there was a reason you couldn’t get to the pharmacy yourself.
5th April 2021 at 5:22 am #124316
Yes, he was out all day with the car and said he would get it, I was stuck in the middle
12th June 2021 at 1:30 am #127064blue eyesParticipant
I hope you are ok. I have just read your post. You asked why he keeps making a big thing about children. It is because it is the one thing that he knows will hurt you the most. He knows how distraught you were after the abortions, he knows he encouraged you to have them. He is being very cruel suggesting he wants children, or talking about them. He knows what he is doing, it’s not just thoughtless. He knows this contradiction will hurt and confuse you. His apparent change of heart, flip flopping of opinions wanting them not wanting them will send you right back there to that situation. When he points out children and talks about having them, you will feel panic about the decision you made back then and you will feel searing pain. I know this because it is exactly what my ex used to do to me.(Detail removed by moderator) These men are unbelievably evil devious and cruel and take pleasure in
emotionally hurting their partners. I think we actually under- estimate how evil and cruel they are.
12th June 2021 at 10:19 am #127065ISOPeaceParticipant
Wow blue eyes, what an incredible (and disturbing) description of what he’s doing. I’m really sorry that you have learnt this through personal experience. Eyesopening I’m so sorry that you are experiencing it too. It is so unbelievably cruel. It clearly shows how they use what they can to gain/keep control and have absolutely no empathy for the people they abuse.
The metaphorical image that comes to mind reading your post is of him bullying you into having some major, painful, life changing surgery and then never letting you heal by forcing you to do things you’re not ready for and prodding the wound. But you can heal by getting away from him. I feel a bit sick thinking of this image. They’re all doing this to all their victims in some form all the time aren’t they? x*x
12th June 2021 at 10:33 am #127066EggshellsParticipant
You’ve had some really sound advice from some very wise ladies. I don’t have anything to add except just to say you can leave. What’s keeping you there is trauma bonding. If you can get past those difficult days with the support of your family, then you can be gone from his life for good.
It might help to mentally psych yourself up for it. This can be done in many ways from statring to plan your new home to visualising what you will do when that feeling of wanting to go back hits you. Perhaps have a plan for how you will deal with it.
This is abuse and the longer you stay, the more he will break you. xx
12th June 2021 at 2:48 pm #127076
Thankyou for replying ladies.
BlueEyes, your post overwhelmed me and I had to cry a bit..thankyou for sharing, i dont feel like its just me anymore.. I feel a bit disconnected that this is me, or my life, or that its all true….
I left (detail removed by moderator) ago to visit my family, (and had previously posted all my essentials here) so I’m away, but still unable to say thats it I’m no contact and I’m not going back. I’m really struggling to see clearly. I can read and read my diaries and all the great replies i have received here and i feel like ok i know what i need to do. A minute later, i feel lost again!! I can’t read my notes 24-7 to be sure of what I’m doing..
I’m so lost and confused.
My brain forgets all the bad.
I don’t know how to do this x*x
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