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Separated some months. He still emotionally and financially abuses us. He suddenly cuts off contact from our kids, they worry and get so hurt as they are (detail removed by moderator). I have tried talking rationally, been reasonable but he keeps saying he can’t stop thinking about me, dreaming about me etc… he refused to talk about co parenting.
Now, suddenly he has contacted ne saying we need to talk.
On the same day DA from WA have contacted me to say go ahead with non molestation and resident order.
He has told me he only lives and is only alive because of our children.What would you do? How? Can i do this to him?
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Absolutely grab that order. You’re not doing it to him you’re protecting and saving yourself and your children. He’s cruelly manipulating and harming your children now and they need your protection. You cannot ever co parent with an abuser. He doesn’t want to co parent, he wants to cause chaos and destroy you. He’s had so many chances and he’s used them against you. That resident order is so important because he will make you homeless if he can. He won’t care, he will occupy the home and the kids and you would be elsewhere and he would love that do get all the protection you can. You can make better choices when you’re in control x
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KIP, I needed that, thank you so much… I am going to go ahead… I am really scared but I do know it is the best thing. I wanted to tell him and the reasons why but I have been advised, actually told not to, not to say anything until he is served? Is this what happens? They said he is more dangerous, is this what you meant before?
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Don’t tell him anything, get the protection you need. He will keep the house for himself if he can (I ended up homeless with our children, after he was arrested, then let back in the property, he contested everything, it can happen to you) They only see themselves. He then tried to get the family car back by telling the police I had stolen the vehicle. They have to ‘win’. Good luck
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More emails today about legal aid for Divorce, WA support worker to meet me weekly, Get orders done within 48 hrs. Apparently, if he comes to our home I do not let him in? He is going to make me and our children pay for standing up to him as he doesn’t believe he has done anything wrong.. he doesn’t drink, smoke… working out is his thing, to keep big and muscular.
I am not asking for a response. I am terrified of taking this step but I am going to do it. Both my children off school due to mental strain from HIM! He will cut off any money he pays, he knows I cannot work (carer for child) but he will do it as he did that before. He has bought something he knows one of our children has asked for for themselves (I know he has done this to manipulate out child to spend time with him!)
I am scared my son will hate me as he is so confused, he misses his dad so much he cries a lot. -
It’s such a frightening time. Hopefully the Non-Mol will carry the power of arrest if he breaks it. My ex was barred from the family home but the order unfortunately didn’t carry the power of arrest. On the other hand, the order is forever.
You’re being incredibly brave. Baby steps. Lean on those real life supporters. School/playgroup etc should be supportive as well.
When an abuser realises they’ve lost you, they bang the heat up.
We can only do our best as parents and redefine our own boundaries. Our children will grow up and they will have to find their own way one day through this minefield. Your local WA may have some support for children. If not, they will be able to guide you.
You will come through this, horrible as it is. You’re making really positive steps.
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Maddog, I am really scared, thank you for your wise words. I am deciding whether or not to meet him (detail removed by moderator) to hear what he has to say (he has said we need to talk). If I do meet him I will not say anything about the orders, a solicitor is phoning me today to discuss moving forward (WA have got a solicitor to phone me as estranged has said he is mentally unstable, that’s quite sudden so not sure what angle he is coming from. I want to meetvto hear where he is at, mentally, for real? Does that even make sense.
Or maybe it is the old me who is so used to jumping when asked to jump by him…. all whilst I am trying to keep a brave face and inject some happiness into Christmas for my children -
I really understand your curiosity in meeting him. I expect you know somewhere that it’s a really bad idea.
He was moulded long, long before you came into his life, and his mental health or lack of it really isn’t your problem. It’s best to keep any correspondence in writing. You may need it as evidence. Abusers will let rip on the written page. Better still, you don’t have to read it.
You really don’t have to meet this man. Like so many people who have lived in an abusive relationship, you may well be bonded to him by trauma. As you learn more about the dynamics of abuse, you’ll see more clearly his behaviour.
He’s not interested in you. He’s using you as an object to satisfy his own needs. Please remember that your feelings and behaviour are a normal response to being abused.
If you’re able to keep away, listen to that voice and avoid contact. Abusers don’t see fellow people as human beings. They see people as a means to an end, like a car or a chair. It’s also not personal.
Christmas can be such a hard time of year. You don’t need to have a brave face all the time. It may help to really pare down Christmas and keep it really simple. The children need to know that you’re there for them and that you love them. Hopefully you’ll have enough to eat, be warm enough, and find some fun games to play. You’ll get through this horrible and terrifying time.
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I agree with MD he is hoovering you in he will try to make you feel sorry for him. Sometimes mh is actually feigned believe it or not it can be a tactic to keep you. Your kids are having a hard time and he’s letting them down. Remember your not we often think letting go of the relationship keeping you all together is a bad thing. It’s not you can’t ever win with an abuser. Let the official people carry you. That’s ok it will preserve your emotional well being xx you will get through this and you are absolutely doing the right thing. I speak from bear on (detail removed by Moderator) years experience xx don’t meet him as above a bad idea and he will use this to put you in a tail spin xx I personally think your doing great 😊 love diymum
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Plus I wanted to add abusive men can sound very mysterious and hard to fathom. The truth is it’s like they’ve all gone to sane training school they’re all very similar that have like a tool bag of tactics to keep theyre control over you and the kids too. If you read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft you can be one step ahead in understanding what is actually happening here. Once you see it clearer you’ll manage to navigate this xx you just need to find your feet and we’re here to help you xx 😘
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