Advice/help needed, please!!

[Titanium]

Hi, since finding out I am in an abusive relationship, my partner is noticing changes in my behaviour/feelings towards him (he doesn’t know, that I know, he is being abusive towards me.) If that makes sense! The problem is, he keeps saying ”you don’t love me” and (removed by moderator) saying ”I don’t think you want to be with me anymore”. I don’t know how to respond. Do I tell him that he is abusive or do I just pretend everything is ok? He has never hit me but is emotionally and sexually abusive to me.
I am absolutely drained, feeling low and on edge. I don’t want to be with him anymore but I just don’t know how to go about getting out. Also, at times, I almost wish I never found out about the abuse, you know what they say – ignorance is bliss!
Any advice greatly appreciated xx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Titanium – good to hear from you again. 🙂

You know for as long as I lived with my ex, and he treated me like he did – I never really still thought of it as abuse – it was just how we lived – it was just how he had treated me for years. And I just ‘put up with it’ and just accepted that for as long as I lived with him that would just be how things were.

I was miserable, the kids were miserable, and he was miserable – but HE would do nothing about it – HE wouldn’t leave the house to me and the kids, and he wouldn’t/couldn’t change how he treated us – and so it was left up to ME to do something about our situation – and so one day I just up and left him – it wasn’t planned – but I just knew it was now or never and so one night we took a few bags and left.

I wouldn’t advise doing it like that if possible – its better if you know where you are going, and have some place safe to stay – but me mam took us in ’til we found accommodation – and you just make do and get by.

I just found you get to stage where you just can’t stand being around him – you don’t even want to talk to him or look at him when things get to be really bad.

Mine too would say you don’t love me, you never say you love me or show me any love – and for a while I would force myself to mutter ‘love you’ if he said it to me – but I hated saying it and I didn’t mean it, I was only ‘keeping the peace’ until I was strong enough to leave him.
He used to make me sit beside him on the sofa – and make me hold his hand, or stroke his head, or cuddle up to him – I hated it – it made me cringe – but again I did what I had to do to keep the peace until I could get away.

He’d even actually place his face in front of mine waiting for me to kiss him on the cheek and if I couldn’t force myself to do it – all hell would break out – the mood and the tantrum – just because I hadn’t kissed him on demand!!!

And you know as well as I do, the more someone forces you to do something, and makes you do it – then less and less you want to do it and it becomes more and more of an issue – and you just can’t bring yourself to do it anymore.

My ex knew fine and well that this keeping me awake at nights for nights on end was not acceptable – but he kept on doing it – time after time we’d have this ‘big talk’ and he’d promise to try harder not to grope and molsest me all night – but he couldn’t keep his promise.

We’d try and patch things up time after time – but it got to the stage where it became impossible to patch things up and we both of us knew it was over – but as I said HE wouldn’t go – and so I had to in the end.

You get to the stage where you are so emotionally drained – you just can’t go on – as I say I didn’t have an ‘escape plan’ – but I’m sure others on here will advise you better than I can.

Sorry I have to go now – I’m away out delivering Easter eggs to friends children – but we can talk more later if you like.

Here for you ….
Take care.

x*x

[Escaped not free]

Omg! Mixed up mum.
This is exactly how I ended up leaving. He sensed I no longer believed it would change and kept looking for more and more affection. I told him it would take time to trust again. This made him angry though and more frightening, which he told me was my fault because I wouldn’t move on. I got so scared I left, unplanned. I would advise anyone to play it more cleverly. Get support before u let him know what u are thinking. I didn’t. His behaviour escalated and I ended up having to go to police. They charged him and bailed him to our home address because I had removed my three children to my parents two bed flat. He now has a five bed house I’m not able to go near and I’m homeless. Don’t do what I did, get advice and a plan first if u can. X*x

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Escaped not free – nice to hear from you.

Yes mine would promise he would stop – not do it again – wait and be patient – give me time – but he never could…..

I kept on saying to him each time we’d try and patch it up, after what you have done to me it will take time for me to trust you again – you need to prove you mean what you say – but he just couldn’t do it – it never worked – God knows I gave him enough chances – but men like him can’t/don’t change…..

Mine had absolutely no idea I was going the night I did it ( well I didn’t even know I was going to do it that night!!!) – I locked him out for a few hours – and told the kids not to let him in no matter what he was saying to them – eventually he went away and we made our escape to me m**s.

I never involved police for the was nothing to show – it was my word against his and he never actually full blown raped me – so what could I do about it – yes his behaviour was terrible – but what can the police do about controlling behaviour and sexual molestation?????

But yes as you say – I’d advise any lady thinking of going to first contact Women’s Aid – and have your escape planned.

Take care.

x*x

[Serenity]

Hi Titanium,

You may have given his bad treatment a name ( abuse ), but really your body, mind and spirit knew it all along.

You can’t be immune to abuse. It affects every cell of your body, even when you are in denial that it is abuse. It affects your mental and emotional as well as physical health. It is like a slow developing disease, gradually killing all your healthy cells.

If you told him he was abusive, he’d deny it. He’d say you were, or say you were exaggerating, or say you were both at fault.

Mine said to me that he hoped we had both learned lessons from our relationship! Like I was guilty of the abuse he was- when I know for a fact I wasn’t. He also said I’d had X years to show him I loved him and hadn’t. Complete and utter tosh. I exhausted myself waiting on him.

There’s no point in trying to reason with them or talk to them. My guess is, even of he appeared reasonable, it would be a way of entrapping you again.

I would also not tell him you plan to get out, as he will probably up the abuse due to his anger or to weaken you in order to make you stay.

You need a safety plan. As I wasn’t the one to leave ( I was so ground down, I think
I would have put up with him forever), I can’t talk from experience, and I know many ladies here will be able to give you better and more practical advice about that.
X*x

[betterdays]

Hi serenity I’m glad u mentioned that about them saying you are both to blame for the abuse because he used to say exactly that!!! And that used to throw me of guard a bit.so I wernt the only one hey??? X

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

My ex just up and up the abuse , even when I could t take , I didn’t know where to go for help , I kept calling d v agency who kept calling when he was around and when I call they were never available . I was like a zombie just saving money for rent plus deposit , viewing houses in secret , was so draining , finally I met my support worker who told me to be brave and take that step b4 he kill me . I would say when he says u don’t love me , tell him he upsets u , u don’t need to tell him u r planning to leave but yeah tell him his behaviour is wrong , I did this , he still didn’t care , I pre pack clothes and essential documents , then when the time comes u flee . We all have our light bulb moment at different times

[Lisa]

Hi Titanium,

It is natural to feel different now that you have recognised how abusive your partner is and unfortunately sometimes abusers can pick up on this. Our advice is to try to keep things as ‘normal’ as possible. Challenging an abuser about their behaviour does not have positive consequences and it may also increase your risk. If an abuser gets a sense that they are losing some control they often increase the abuse in order to try to retain control. This is why we advise not telling him anything about your thoughts of ending the relationship.

Please consider calling the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to talk to a female support worker in confidence. They will not tell you what to do but can talk through your options and help you to make a safety plan.

Keep posting,

Lisa

[Doglover99]

Hi Titanium. Your situation sounds just like mine was. I don’t know if you have children, I have a son (not my husband’s) and I didn’t realise we were being abused until my son couldn’t take any more and started self-harming and it all started coming out. I saw professionals and they told me we had to get out. Even after that, it took me about three months to accept that reality of our situation. I had been hoping that things would improve but when I realised they were never going to change, I knew we had no other option but to leave. With no money, friends or relatives nearby, we had to go on the council’s social housing list and it took us another 8 months to find somewhere.

I didn’t tell him anything for a whole year, that this was pure and simple domestic abuse. He could sense something was different because slowly I started standing up to him and he didn’t like it. That’s when he increased the abuse towards my son. My advice would be not to say anything to him. Start planning your move, get help from professionals before you do anything. My husband also used to keep saying how he loved me all the time, asking if I loved him. I told him what he wanted to hear but the physical side was very difficult. I didn’t want to go near him and I managed to avoid intimacy for a long time to the point where he started complaining about the lack of it.

I also read a lot about domestic abuse, about controlling people and that helped me understand.

Good luck and keep posting.

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