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Hello everyone- I’ve posted before and I’ve felt so supported. I wonder if I can ask what you think about this situation. It’s tearing me apart and I’m feeling unwell from the stress.
My partner and I live together and both have children from past marriages. He has said that my kids do not make him feel important and they ignore him. He says therefore he “doesn’t feel safe” in the house when they are there. They are quite, and often feel unsure around him. It’s better when his children are there as he focuses all his attention on them. (detail removed by moderator) he said he doesn’t like my kids being in the house while I’m at work as they “make a mess” (leave crumbs and plates in the kitchen) and have in the past forgotten to lock the door. Additionally, he has decided to work from home a lot more and doesn’t want them in the house at these times either. So basically, there’s no good time for them to be in their home. He said he can’t ask me to make sure they are out all the time over the summer as he doesn’t want me to hold it against him, and in order for me to feel less stressed he’s “putting his needs and piece of mind to the bottom of the pile as usual”. Am I meant to feel grateful?!! Please let me know what you think. I feel he is being controlling and unfair. Being a victim and making me feel guilty. I don’t know what to do….. -
hes gaslighting you and using the kids to do this – awful circumstances to be in. he sounds like he likes to be king off the castle and is only keen on having his own around him so to speak. to me you need to be very careful because this type off ‘step dad’ can very much undermine your relationship with your kids. a good das whether biological or not puts all off the kids first and on equal terms. he sound like he need to do a bit off growing up! I can only see this getting worse for the kids in the future as like with us the abuse escalates and what next? this is there home too they have every right to be there as much as him and his children. he will obviously play the victim if you don’t bend to his will. my honest answer is you will need to set your boundaries now. he needs to know what hes asking is not acceptable to you or your family. it will have a massive impact if this is left to unfold. id personally make an exit plan because I don’t feel these men are ever will to compromise long term xx I know its hard xx love diymum
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Thank you diymum. I will try to set boundaries. I think I easily get caught up in his so called logic and he manages to convince me. But later on I reflect and wonder why on earth leaving plates and food out when you’re (age removed by moderator) is such a massive issue Sometimes I try to call his bluff (say, ok, I’ll get them to walk the streets so you feel ‘safe’ – of course I wouldn’t actually do this) and hope that he sees what an unfair position he is putting me in. But he never does. My responses just strengthen his feelings of being the victim. I can’t reason with him so I have to be strong and maintain my beliefs and put my children first. It’s hard- he always gets in a mood and tells me how much he’s having to compromise. How on earth have I let myself become so controlled….. 🙁
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He sees your children as your weakness and he will definitely exploit that. It’s about power and control. He will always be changing the goal posts, making ridiculous demands so your always caught off guard and trying to change things, taking the spotlight off his disgraceful behaviour. I’m assuming this was never a problem when you got together. In the early stages an abuser will bend over backwards to accommodate you. Now you’re tied together in a joint property expect the abuse to increase. How would he feel if you said this about his children. Why is he scared of them? I’d be extremely concerned because it sounds like he’s already making excuses for either last or future behaviour. Like he had to assault or reprimand or ban them from the home because he’s ‘scared’. You need to think about an exit plan. Is it a joint mortgage or rental?
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Hello KIP- it’s a joint mortgage. I would have to sell up and disrupt my (age removed by moderator) year olds (detail removed by moderator). And we work together. It will cause major waves there and at home, but I feel I want to leave. I need to look at a plan- financially I’m not in a brilliant position due to the nature of my work (professional but largely self employed – I do have a small salaried job that involves him). I feel stuck and I think he knows how hard it would be for me to leave. Deep down I know my children will never be good enough for him.
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My ex trapped his new gf this way. Big mortgage and she moved her kids in too. This is how it works. He plants the seeds of worry that you don’t want to leave your kids alone with him so you lessen your hours at work until you’re around him 24/7. You become even more dependent on him or you burn out trying to appease him. You’re beginning to see the real him. Hide money with a trusted friend. Build on your independence and have a game plan x
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He’s basically triangulating you with your own children. That’s so sick and wrong. He’s trying to get to you by using your own kids. I agree with DM. It’s the start of the gaslighting campaign. You say that the children make him feel unimportant and ignored. He’s an adult, they are children for goodness sakes! Notice it’s all about him too. Can’t consider anyone else in all this or deign to deal with any genuine concerns he might have by dealing with it in an adult fashion. He’s acting like the child in this and there is no reasoning with them when they’re like this. You are justified in feeling the way you do.
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