Affection

[Plodding]

Hi
Can anyone advise me or relate to this ? I’m living with my husband and it it’s fairly recent that Iv discovered his behaviour as emotionally abusive and I find it really hard knowing this and how to deal with giving affection still when he is behaving in a nice/pleasant way . He actually stopped the affection at one of the points where in his eyes I’d “put a foot wrong” and he stopped the goodbye/goodnight kisses and the kisses in texts at this point . Now he is in a good mood it seems to be making an effort and it feels really awkward when I leave for work or go to bed . At the same time I couldn’t bare to give him affection now I know what he really is , if that makes sense. I just keep thinking about all the aweful things he says to me and how he behaves .

[nbumblebee]

This is what i struggle with i am still unable to believe its abuse i just cant do it as the nice times confuse me so much. Ive read your other posts and agree with all that you are going through. Its so hard all this. I cant stand to have my husband near me at times he gies from tellung me im ugly that he would lobe to hit me that im having an affair to ignoring me and then loving wanting almost forcing sex by getting nasty if i say no so i agree, and being needy. Its all a total mind game.
What you are going through is terrible and im rubbish at advise but read the book why does he do that, contact womans aid who can help and advise you further listen to the ladies on here tgey are truely amazing keep strong and safe and get some help you deserve more xxxx

[Plodding]

Thanks nbumblebee, you are very good at the advice Iv seen lots of your help and support with others . It’s helpful to know I’m not the only one . I’m amazed at how confusing it really is when there’s the nice bits in between and I’m wondering how long I have had my eyes closed to this previously because it seems to me as though this is a new thing for me but probably not ! I know what you mean re can’t stand to have him near you sometimes it’s too much sitting at the other end of the sofa . Iv read some of the why does he do that book and have been speaking to women’s aid . It feels like even though I hear it and read it it’s never enough to really believe it or actually think it’s not all in my head because if these nice bits !
Thanks

[nbumblebee]

I am with you sweetie. Once you start to see you cant un see and thats what drives me insane. Everything he says and does i question now and j still after being on here for months cant see it as abuse becuase of how nice he can be and i get so angry with myself but im slowly learning. Im remembering things he has said and done in the past trying to tell myself on my sane days that its not me its him but some fays its all too much isnt it? I will be honest i tell others to reach out but havent and wont reach out myself I hate to hear your stories and really wish i could help you get you to see and understand what they are doing is wrong and that you deserve so much better but I dont believe it for myself I deserve this life. So yeah I am with you every step of the way. Keep talking on here to womans aid to a dr the more you talk the more you learn and hopefully one day you will have learnt enough to really see understand and believe and then you will be able to recover grow and be you again. Be strong be safe and keep reaching out that little bit further each day.

[Wants To Help]

Hi Plodding,

I struggled with this too. I really did not want to have sex with my abuser either because he made me feel like c**p and I no longer felt attracted to him and he didn’t turn me on at all. After having a baby I was advised not to have sex for a certain period of time, and thankfully, he respected that, but on the very day that time period was up I knew I’d have to grin and bear it that night to avoid the fallout with him. Personally, my view is that men can have ‘sex’ without emotion, but for me, I want that intimate connection and loving relationship. I want to make love to someone I love, not have sex with someone I don’t like or fancy. I knew we weren’t in a loving relationship, but he could certainly have sex with me. We didn’t kiss, I hated kissing him because I didn’t like him anymore. I was lucky that he never forced himself on me, but I managed to find a time frame where if I worked myself up to having to have sex with him once every so often it was enough to keep him ‘happy’ on the sex front, and I had the mentality of ‘put the quilt over me when you’ve finished’.

And those days of the ‘nice bits in between the abuse’… those were the days when he thought I really wanted him and all of a sudden I realised that on the night of the ‘nice days’ I’d probably have to have sex with him again just to keep it a ‘nice day’!

But you know what? There does come a time when you leave your abuser behind, and move on and meet a nice guy who you do actually WANT to have sex with. I was relieved to learn I still had some passion that could be re-ignited 😉

[Eggshells]

Hi Plodding,

When you first understand that you are in an abusive relationship, it can take a while to process it.

The nice bits are just a part of the abuse cycle. Everything he does is deliberate and calculated, including the “love bombing”. Please Google the cycle of abuse. You will recognise the pattern!

I just withdrew from my ex completely. I can’t give details of how I did it because it would be identifying but he moved into the spare room and all physical contact ceased.

Despite his efforts to manipulate me, he never touched me again. Eventually, I left him.

It’s about finding a way to gain physical and emotional distance whilst you process and plan.

You can’t fix an abusive relationship. If you want it to stop, you have to leave. The sooner you start processing the abuse, the sooner you’ll leave.

“Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven and “Why does he do that” by Lundi Bancroft are both excellent books to help you to understand and cone to terms with the reality of abuse.

[Secretlife]

Hello Plodding

I can relate to what you’re saying. It came as a huge shock to me when I learned that what I had been experiencing for years was actually emotional abuse. I only learned this when I had need to contact WA during lockdown because I needed to get away from him for a few days and I wasn’t sure I I was allowed to, I wanted to ask if it was actually abuse that I was experiencing. I then joined the forum and read the book “why does he do that”, which is a revolution in itself! It took a good while to accept I was being abused, but it was also a relief to know I wasn’t the crazy mental person he was saying I am. I now don’t see my husband with the same eyes at all. I don’t love him and I certainly don’t fancy him. I have become so emotionally detached from him my life with him is a pretence and I am planning to leave him. The thing I struggle the most with is being intimate with him, there are times I nearly freak out when I have to lie next to him. I feel physically sick and close to complete panic. I just about manage to grin and bear it to get it over with and keep the peace for another week. It is an awful situation and reinforces the fact that it is all about them. I know the only way out of this is to leave, this is not how life should be. I hope I haven’t gone on too much here, but I wanted you to know you’re not on your own. Sending love xx

[Anonymous]

I have just read the stuff that’s been written down by the above posts. I can see a very similar pattern to the stuff I dealing with. My partner has odd times when there is a niceness but then it all comes back around again soon after. I thought it had got too be all the time but because it wasn’t all the time I thought that I had got it all wrong again . The same goes for the intimacy I feel very similar. Just thinking about it I feel sick. I thank you so much for your posts . It really is eye-opening to read this stuff you realise someone else is living in a similar situation.

[Grey Rock]

Hi. Yes I relate. What Eggshells sad about the abuse cycle is spot on. Abusers train their hostages. It’s just like Pavlov and his dogs. Just a little well timed affection to keep us tolerating the other times. Esp if they pick up on us getting close to leaving or detaching. These men aren’t silly. Dr Ramani describes the abuse cycle really well in her YouTube videos. They’re a great resource for educating ourselves about what is going on.

Take care.
GR

[Anonymous]

I seem to be posting on lots of different topics since not posting in a while but I do seem to be really off put by the intimacy it really really does make me feel sick. Thanks to Secretlifes post I have realised its not just me what feels like this. I’m so glad to be able to relate with others and don’t feel as alone as I may have once done . God bless x and thank you

[ISOPeace]

I know it feels really uncomfortable to not like the ‘affection’, but I think it’s a step forwards from just desperately wanting him to be nice and affectionate. I made the mistake in the past of trying to squash down those feelings until I was back under his spell. At the time I didn’t know that’s what I was doing. But towards the end of the relationship I managed to accept that I’d feel cr@p when he was abusive and cr@p when he was ‘trying to be nice’. I think not pretending everything was ok helped make clear to me that the ‘good’ or ‘better’ bits really weren’t ok and that there was a big cost to going along with the better times. It was hard in the short term, but it helped me leave. xxxx

[Anonymous]

Thanks ISOPeace you are spot on with everything you have written. I too feel rubbish when he’s horrible and am weary when he’s reasonably alright. He had been pulling me down and degragrading me and then before you know it he was trying to be nice again. I’m always weary when he’s trying to be nice because it’s like if a talkative moment comes along it will be I’m going to shut you down if I don’t agree with you . The nice affection from him got lost somewhere years ago which just makes the intimacy yuck. I’m am pleased to hear you got the courage to leave and I hope you are getting through alright. Thank you for your post . Please take care of yourself. Xx best wishes

[Anonymous]

(Removed by moderator) had him shouting abuse at me for not wanting to have any intimacy with him . I’m actually not feeling too well (removed by moderator) so I said I did not feel like it . Been made to feel awful as usual. I want to cry I feel c**p. I know I’ve said the intimacy makes me feel yuck and it does but usually I just give in to keep the peace but I just didn’t want too today . He’s gone to bed now but I know tomorrow will be bad . All this because I’m just not feeling well (removed by moderator) .

[Anonymous]

I’m always made to feel small and useless.

[Anonymous]

I know what I should be sorting but I’ve a few health issues which is probably another reason for not sorting anything yet . Sorry .

[Anonymous]

Plodding it really does sound like you’ve switched off as I’ve said in a previous post, one of the things that will change your feelings towards a partner is being abused by them, it’s human nature to want to give and receive love and affection but your partners care is conditional and sounds manipulative, I know when I’ve been hurt so much and been made to feel worthless, ugly, and less than, it’s changed my feelings about myself and then my partner, only you can decide if you want to stay or even want to be in this relationship anymore, a lot of people stay for different reasons, in my cases it’s been the trauma bonds, feeling vulnerable and believing no one else would want me, but that’s not the case, whatever you decide you’ve got the forum and us to talk to 💖💛🧡

[Anonymous]

Perhaps I’ve made a mountain out of a mole hill. Could I be looking at this all wrong . Did I get what I deserved? Have I got this all wrong?

[Lisa]

Hi Stargazing1,

You absolutely are not ‘overrating’ or deserving of any of the abusive behaviour you described. As you have said here; you can see how you are not alone in what you are going through. Remember this and try and focus on prioritising your needs in all this. There is specialist help out there you can reach out to so you don’t have to go through this alone.
Speak to your local domestic abuse service. They often have emotional one-to-one support or group help. They can offer any practical help and advocacy too.
The Freedom Programme is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK. More information about the Programme can be found on their website – http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php.
You could try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200, or visit their website at http://www.supportline.org.uk.
Do keep posting to get further validation and support from the women here who understand what you are going through.
Take care,

Lisa

[Anonymous]

Thanks Lisa . I will check out those support groups. Thank you.

[Author]

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