Afraid again

[Mime]

I’m never not afraid but sometimes the anxiety grows very intense and becomes almost panic, and I’m in this close to panic state constantly.

So he’s leaving very soon (he says) and I believe he will go because he’s making plans and putting things in place.

I’ve given him a lot of money (I took out a loan) but then he wanted more for other things. Some money he was entitled to, but most of it he wasn’t. But it was worth giving him the money for him to go. He’s livid again now because he thinks he should get more, and its hell on earth here again.

I’ve had sex with him to keep the peace – because I was afraid of his anger and moods and vindictiveness if I didn’t, but it hasn’t stopped him turning on today, and now I feel foolish and dirty and used.

He doesn’t hit me but I’ve always been scared he will because he’s made a fist and raised it to hit me, and shoved me and things like that. He looks at me with such pure hatred and says so many cruel things, and it feels like he’s pure evil when he does that.

He’s also filmed me, when I’ve been crying and begging him to stop treating me the way he does, and he says he’ll show it to people so they can see how hysterical and mad I am.

I’ve never been more afraid of anyone, and I’ve been with some very violent people who have hurt me physically (as an adult and a child). But I’ve never felt so mentally tortured and broken by another person.

But then I worry that I’ve created this fear in myself by my distorted thinking (which is what he says). But how could the fear be so strong if it’s all in my mind (which he says it is).

In his view he’s the only person that’s been kind and decent to me, and I’ve ruined everything by my refusal to see him as the decent and fair man he says he is.

[Darkclouds321]

You have not created this fear, trust your feelings and your instincts.
At the end of they day whatever he does or you do you know the truth. Stick by it, remind yourself on the bad days and when he’s trying to make you doubt yourself.
It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, it hurts but it doesn’t matter.
After everything you have been through you deserve happiness in yourself. To not feel scared and enjoy your life x*x

[nbumblebee]

You have done nothing wrong the problem is his and his alone. You are brave and incredable to have gotten this far dig those heals in and stand tall. Hes going he going soon and you wont have to have sex again cause you are scared i know how dirty this makes you feel mine has even left money on the bedside table for me alot of us have been there sweetie. Soon hopefully you will be free of that and of him.
Dont doubt yourself trust and believe in the amazing lady that you are.
Sending you hugs xxxxx

[KIP.]

What he’s doing is illegal, sexual abuse, financial abuse, coercive behaviour. I don’t believe he’s moving out. Why would he. Have you spoken to the police. Or your local womens aid?

[Bananaboat]

Please don’t give him anymore money. Trust us, he’s not going anywhere and is most likely pretending to be making plans to move so he can manipulate you further. Him telling you you’re the problem is him gaslighting you my lovely. Please seek help if you haven’t already, he’s got you right where he wants you and you need a way out xx

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