Afraid to try again

[Starlight11]

I feel in a really weird place, like I get bouts of excruciating loneliness but don’t want to be with someone to feel happy. When I think about seriously putting myself out there (not that I know where is as I’m not comfortable with dating sites) I feel fear and anxiety. What if I find myself in another unhealthy relationship? What if they get to know me and don’t like what they find? What if they find me lacking in the same ways my ex did? What if when it comes down to it, I freeze up over intimacy? A lot of the issues at the end of our marraige involved me being compared to others and picked at and feeling like I had to have sex so I didn’t lose him, all the things you should have the utmost trust in another became tainted and now I’m frightened to go there again and just riddled with negative scenarios in which the guy walks away.

Now been on my own a few years but I have children with my ex and he still finds a way to pass comments, it feels like even though he’s had relationships since he’s still ticking boxes on who I am, the choices I make. I hate that he can still get in my head like that. I don’t ever want to be in a relationship again where I change who I am to make another happy. I just want someone to love me for me but I wander is that even on the cards, or does that only exist in the movies?

[Lisa]

Hi Starlight11,

Thank you for sharing with us. I hope it helped to offload here about how you are feeling. It is understandable you feel this way after what you experienced in your relationship, and with your ex still making comments. I am sure others in similar situations will be able to relate to your post.

Keep posting when you can, it can really help.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Allornothing]

I am in the same boat although not actively looking, I would like to think that I could meet someone to go for walks with and out for meals.  I love living alone, doing what I want and looking haggard a lot of the time, chilling on the sofa – but no one cares as they don’t see me and I love that!

I am with a counsellor at the moment and we are going to look into why I go for certain types, why I feel I can’t say no when someone crosses a boundary in the hope that if I ever meet someone and something doesn’t make me happy, I can feel confident in walking away.  I personally think a lot of it is built into me and I need to learn to push myself and have confidence – maybe it will never happen but to start, I need to find friendships first and maybe even that will test me!

Good luck in everything, keep strong and enjoy you time!  xx

[Starlight11]

Allornothing it sounds like you are doing a wonderful thing for yourself in how you are are making choices just for you.

I think maybe part of the problem is I don’t do anything fun persae in my ‘me’ time. I have couple weekends a month without my children and I usually spend it catching up on life. My life revolves around my children and work, when life is quiet I’m too tired and then I kick myself for wasting time alone.

Like you I’m not actively looking either because I feel like I need to love myself first and be comfortable on my own. I think sometimes it’s just hard to remember that goal when I feel lonely. It’s been a few years now on my own and I worry, the longer Im alone, will my fears become more deep rooted.

You have definitely given me things to think about.

Thank you and wishing you well on your journey x

[Author]

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