Again ?

[Tractor]

Hi so I had a physically abusive relationship but managed to end it and start to get my life back. That was easy to recognise what was happening as it was violent and very controlling. I got with my partner and fell pregnant very quickly did not think I could get pregnantnaturally so was very shocked so quickly j let him move in with hindsight I should have waited ! Lots of little things like going through my phone checking maps of where I’ve been but saying it’s because he was cheated on previously and I should understand as I was cheated on. Done things like stays out all night with his friends which doesn’t really bother me as I do trust him but if I did it I’d get called all sorts like a bad parent etc . Recently escalated into constant put downs like I’m lazy only push a pen round all day . I work full time and literally do everything in the house washing cleaning cooking etc he has never done the night feeds or getting up if kids are poorly and if I praise it all I get is well I work more hours that you. My friends have noticed a change in me ffor example they noticed I agreed with him over a topic when they knew how strongly I felt about it I said I couldn’t be bothered going on so easier to just avoid an argument. My friends say is abuse but I see him as a good partner as my ex was extremely bad in comparison . I’m finding this really hard to come to terms with as I thought he was different and I’m no angel andlost my temper a few times but in response to his digs constant put downs and manipulation techniques in arguments. He says he knows he treats me bad but I’ve made him like this he’s nnever been like this with other partners. I have my own house a good job decent pay Yeh I never have money because he is supposed to pay weekly and says things like we’ve spent it on meals out shop etc so I never see it. I know I’d get over it as I did it with my ex which was the most traumatic and hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but j0st worried this is me too and I may need to change too ?

[SunshineRainflower]

I think you’re gut is right, unfortunately there are a lot of red flags with your current partner. Violence is only one form of abuse as it sounds like you realise. From what you have described, he is putting you down regularly, taking advantage of you financially, monitoring your movements then dismissing your concerns about it, acting very jealous, having one set of rules for himself and another set for you, blaming you for all of the problems, and using you as a free house maid whilst criticising your work, all of which constitute abuse. They always say that line about their previous partners being fine and we ‘make’ them behave abusively, it’s total nonsense and another manipulation technique using guilt tripping to keep us under control so that we stop questioning them.

I would give the helpline a ring and tell them about it, see what they say. Have you done the freedom programme/power to change? It’s very common for us to date more than one controlling abusive type because unfortunately it feels familiar to us and also a lot of us struggle with positive role models and self esteem, all of which seem to attract the abusive types.

Well done for recognising it and keep posting for support.

[Tractor]

Thank you so much for your reply. I rang them and they said what you have and provided details of my local support group to do the freedom project. It’s so hard I feel like a failure yet again and now another child in tow without parents together.

I do think I have some work to do on myself I feel like I stick up for myself but in the wrong way instead of just cutting him off and walking away I will argue back I will defend myself and it has escalated into violence he trapped my leg in the door which is black he says I went for him which isn’t true he tred to steal something from me which he knew would get a reaction but he can defend his actions by saying she went for me which I didn’t I tried to get off him the thing he was stealing . He left for over a week but we’ve sat down and trying to do a list exs us both but I don’t think my heart is in it beccure deep down I know what he is but he will never see it . Thanks again

[Tractor]

Apologies spelling I’m on my phone

[Starmoon]

Hi.. your situations sounds very similar to mine. I think it’s natural to defend yourself and argue back when someone is saying things to hurt you. You can’t be expected to absorb everything he does. Google gas lighting xx

[Author]

Posts