Alarm Bells and red flags.

[thepoppygirl]

I feel like there were a few things since the beginning of the relationship that are worrying me. He has in the past punched things and/or hurt himself a few times, over small things, like me wanting to leave a social event earlier or if I got upset about something. Only a few times but it still worries me.
We currently live together and he earns very little so I’m the main source of income, the idea was that he was going to find a new job or ask for more hours, but something always seems to come up, he always has an excuse, however its been too long and too many different excuses for me to actually believe that he wants to get a new job/hours. I tried helping him, I would look up jobs, help him to write CV’s, help him with applications. There was always something wrong with the jobs he got offered etc. or it ends up being my fault that he is not applying and so on. He does not really help with housework either.
He lies to me a lot, especially regarding talking to his ex-girlfriend.
He also makes me feel guilty about seeing friends and family. He will do things like cry, say that he feels like I’m going to leave him, that I’m only in a good mood because I haven’t been around him and it makes me happy to be away from him. If I do end up going anywhere he calls me often, and if he doesn’t make it difficult because e.g. the are other people present and it would look weird if he tried to stop me, he would message me saying how sad and low he feels or that he hasn’t eaten anything all day, basically things that make me feel bad. I do realize that this is not normal but is it abuse? He makes a lot of promises about working through it and we make lots of plans on how to deal with it, talk about going to doctors etc but nothing ever actually changes. He often says hes sorry and that he did not realize that these things were affecting me. I can’t talk to anyone and hes made friends with all of my friends and they all adore him. I don’t know if he knows what he’s doing to me and being malicious or if there is something else going on and I should try to help him. I can’t really leave him because I’m worried. If we ever have an argument not in person (like on the phone) he would come down to meet first chance he gets me even if I’m in another town and its silly o’clock and I fear he would hurt himself.

[KIP.]

Yes, it’s abusive and controlling behaviour. There is a book called Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. He is manipulating you and he knows exactly what he is doing. Abusers are liars and cheaters too. Google Gaslighting. He won’t ever change. He’s getting you to behave how he wants you to by using these tactics. It’s sad and difficult to accept that someone we love is actually abusing us in return. Give the helpline number on here a ring and talk it through.

[Autumnique]

Hi poppy he sounds very much like my ex who I have recently left. He said all them things too. Years ago I was in an abusive relationship and he even gave his job up as “I needed watching” the ex I’ve just left started moaning that his job was starting to impact on our relationship so he wanted to leave. That was a big red flag for me especially has he hated me being home alone when my work pattern allowed this at times. I couldn’t take the dogs out without him or I got accused of takin them to meet a guy. We also lived together but the WA helped me to leave safely etc. As for him talking to his ex gf. Is he? My ex told me he had been married for many years and his ex wife still kept pestering him etc.. Months later I found out she didn’t even exist. Talk to WA I felt so much better knowing there was a way out when it got too bad xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, what you’ve written is very much the actions of an abuser. The word conjures up such horrific images but that’s because we’ve been fed the sterotypical image of what an abused woman is like. How can you portray abject fear because of what someone says or implies, when anyone else hearing it brushes it off as it’s so insignificant, yet to us who have lived with that person know only too well what he’s meaning or threatening by not talking to you or whatever they do to manipulate you.
So he’s not eaten all day, that’s his choice, you could make him something and it still wouldn’t be good enough, he’d find another reason to guilt trip you.
Listen very carefully to what he tells you, he may very well be sorry, but that is because you’ve not been there for him 24/7. He knows very well what he’s doing, look at it objectively, he cries abd makes a fuss, says you put other people before him, so you see less of those other people who are just as important to you as he is, but because he acts like a child you cave in and say it’s okay, I can go out another time. He’s learned by manipulating you that he’ll get exactly what he wants, your total attention. Test him, say you’re planning to meet up with friends at the weekend or some time in the future and watch how he behaves towards you or threatens to do to himself, (not eating because he’s so low and is afraid you’re going to leave him,) you are not responsible for his behaviour as to threatening to harm himself. You could call the police or an ambulance saying you’re so worried about his mental health as he keeps threatening to harm himself, he won’t, but he’s making you believe he will. That’s gaslighting.
It’s not up to you to get him a job, that’s his responsibility, while you’re so busy helping him, he’s got your attention, (you’re not looking after you,) putting his needs before your own. He’ll never go to the doctor, they’re empty promises to get help, he’s using that to keep you there with promises of being the man you fell in love with. We’re conditioned from a young age to care for others, putting their needs before our own, but when you end up doing everything fir that person, that’s him got you hooked You don’t want to turn your back on him because you love him? Love will soon turn to contempt if he doesnt start being a part of the relationship. It definately seems to be all about him, how he feels, yet when you try to talk about how it makes you feel, he professes to be sorry doesn’t realise he’s hurting you, then a few days, wks later he reverts back to how he is, as you’ve not stood up to him. . no one can tell you what to do, what we can do is tell our own stories, let each new member see the similarities in all of those relationships, and show you where to go for help, who to turn to organisation wise. Have you spoken to anyone at WA yet. They are amazing and will listen unconditionally as we do. You’re not alone in this, unfortunately 1000’s of Women go through this every day.
Take care and well done in reaching b our, that is a huge step and the first in recognising that your relationship is abusive. It’s a long hard road, it takes some women years to leave, others, once the scales have been removed, think, f..k this, I’m out of here. Your journey is yours and yours alone, we dont live with your partner, as you don’t live with ours, but I bet you’d see the signs in our relationships and think why does she stay with him just the same as we have with yours. Look up trauma bonding to, I hope you’re not, but it’s very enlightening information.
Keep posting, keep reading others stories, it’s very difficult to just walk away from this type of relationship but it can be done, there’s many on here who have done that, I hope to be one of those ladies too.
IWMB 💕💕

[Flowerchild]

Poppy, bear these facts in mind, darling: he is an adult. He is responsible for his own support, well-being and happiness. His problems are not of your making. You are not qualified to solve his problems. You are not obliged to try to help him solve his problems.

This man is not your child, your sibling or your parent. He is not even your husband. You have taken no vows concerning him. He has no claim on your time, money or attention.

If you want to get clean away and clear of him, the solution is in your hands.

He has you well and truly in the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, but there is help to see your way through and out if you want to.

What kind of future would you face with him? He seems to want you to be his mummy! Is it time to stop thinking about his demands and neediness and focus on yourself? What are your plans, your needs, your hopes? Who is looking after your health, well-being and happiness?

Flower x

[thepoppygirl]

Thank you girls, your comments are very helpful and reassuring. I looked the book mentioned and it seems to describe my situation. I looked at other peoples stories and again, the same pattern emerges. I’m not just crazy 🙂 I don’t know what I will do with this information, but now I’m not on my own with this all.
Thank you for being non judgmental and supportive.
Poppy xx

[xxxxhelpxxxx]

Hi

A lot of that sounds so familiar. Mine won’t eat when we’re ‘buckering’ He won’t eat for days. Last week he said he was never going to eat again cos he didn’t want it to be ‘the last meal’.

He hates being alone. He is incapable of being on his own. He hates me working weekends occasionally. When I work a weekend, I get days off in the week. I’m made to feel really uncomfortable if I wanted to do anything in my own on those days off. So I have to be on hand on the telephone to talk to him!! It’s draining. I am ‘lucky’ and I don’t work in an office or similar so can be available on the phone when we are working. And god help me if I do anything without telling him.

His latest is that he feels ‘left out’. He thinks I’ve got some secret life going on that he is excluded from. I can’t even chat to my daughters without him wanting to know what’s going on!!

He says that people in relationships shouldn’t want to do anything apart. B****ks. I’m gradually going stir crazy.

I need to escape. It’s so difficult to explain to anyone what’s going on though. It all sounds so stupid

[Author]

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