alienation

[fizzylem]

Fed up with it. So I’ve removed all my child’s devices until I see a change in attitude and motivation for other things; turns out her dad has told her ‘this is wrong, its isolating, I cant do it’. Which obs doesn’t help in the slightest, tells her mum is bad, mean; and teaches disrespect for mum – again – getting so sick and tired of it, dealing with the challenging behaviour that ensues, and him still controlling things – with no thought at all with regard to what our child really needs. If he was a decent father he’d be supporting me, he should be trying to help her to see what I’m trying to help her with, but no, it’s just another opportunity to get her to go up against me.

Had enough, seriously don’t think I can keep carrying on because at the end of the day there is f**k all I can do about the alienation bar put up with it and continue to try and help my child grow into a responsible, caring adult – which feels impossible with him in our lives.

Her attitude towards me over the last few weeks has been disgusting, there’s no appreciation – which is also how her father behaves towards me – no coincidence there is there. I don’t expect her to be well behaved all the time, what teen is, but I do need to see some respect, I don’t want her growing up to be a disrespectful, self centred, entitled abuser! It’s got to an unacceptable level again of late – it’s present pretty much most of the time, its an absolute ball ache to deal with, it hinders us doing fun things together or anything together really, along with all the things she needs to do as well – it’s a constant battle trying to meet her needs, she battles for what she wants against what she needs – and its so very tiring because it’s on everything. I don’t know how else I can communicate to her her behaviour isn’t acceptable.

He makes life so difficult for us; wish he’d drop off the planet.

[Escapee]

Hi Fizzlem,

My heart goes out to you 💕
The teen years are tough enough to negotiate without having another parent work against you.

Sending you love, hugs and empathy. X*x

[HopeLifeJoy]

May he fall off the edge of the earth indeed, straight into hell!

How about giving her tasks to do instead of removing her online privileges then?
Like communal work, volunteering, gardening for someone, or/and giving her looong essays to write about any topics of your choosing (the life of a mixed person born in South Africa or any complex societal issue or maths problems or a science project, whatever she is best at, the goal being developing her skills) every time she is disrespectful to you so at the same time she is learning, her punishment will be free time removed by adding tasks into her schedule….what do you think? I have no teenagers but can tell you that when my father gave me tasks to do, I wasn’t happy and was upset against him for jam packing my schedule but not for long because he was fair thus not evil ☺️ and my friends were allowed to visit me at home even when I was being grounded (the longest being 2 full months!!). To be allowed to still connect with my friends which are the lifeline of any teenager were keeping me from becoming too angry at him. I would ultimately comply and obey him and he in turn would be more lenient next time I would come home after the set curfew.
It worked for me but maybe your daughter is much different and is needing stricter rules.
Have you thought about sending her off for a vacation to her dads? To give you a vacation I mean. Some air for you, you seem to work so hard, it would be nice to have some you time you know, you are the most important person in your life.
Wishing you strength darling, hope you’ll find a way. In any case keep breathing and take time for yourself first and foremost. 💕

[diymum@1]

I was thinking the same fizz some way off showing her how much off a struggle people have it. How people are so much worse off. I remember being told as s child life is about people not money not anything else. It’s how we treat people and we take their feelings into consideration first before acting. Especially towards your mum and dad although it sticks slightly in my throat to say. This was engrained in me and it stuck. She also needs to know in life their are consequences for disrespect xx its not acceptable and tiring. Wonder if she’s acting out of anger with him putting her in a horrible position xx 😘

[Iwantmeback]

Hi fizzy, big hugs to you my friend. Those teenage years are c..p enough without the addition of an abusive oh thrown into the mix. There’s no easy solution, but I hear your frustration and need for peace and stability. Definitely going down the road of following through on consequences for bad behaviour is a good idea. No one likes being told no,or having to do chores in order to get what they want. Our children nowadays have been utterly spoilt in one way or another, the world revolves around them and it gets to the stage where they need to learn that it doesn’t. You’re her mum remember, not her friend… I don’t know the answer to this, ALL I know is that letting her live with him would be an awful thing to do where your relationship is concerned, is there noone else she could go an stay with jyst for some time out. I agree with her finding out just how hard life is for some people, even if it’s something you do together. Could you get the school involved, maybe get them to refer her to camhs. I wish we could made them see their lives in 10 years time. Sometimes we have to take a huge leap of faith and hope it will all work out. In the meantime do something for you and you alone.start being selfish. Too many rules can make everyone resentful, those making them and those receiving them.
Take care fizzy
IWMB 💞💞

[fizzylem]

Thanks ladies, melts my heart you are there, thank you.

I had a thought the other day at trying to get her to write about what’s going on in mums life and how I might be feeling and maybe I could do the same for her? To help develop some empathy and closeness maybe? But then it’s come to a head yesterday and today again as she won’t do a thing she is asked. Dad’s collecting her, cant see him giving her the emotional support she needs. Let’s see. Imagine he will side with her and throw more fuel on the fire – unless he panics and realises he could get landed with her here – doubt he wants that.

Rightly or wrongly I’ve withdrawn into myself, mostly because I’m worn out, emotinally feel I’ve given up, let it go. Will just have to see how this plays out. I cant contain it or her anymore in an attempt to keep him out of it, which I always try to do because I know he will use it against me in some way and be no actual help to her or us. Can’t live like this anymore. He wont want her there for long, she’ll be back later or in the morning. If he tries to use this against me I’m happy with my actions so he can get on with it. I’m doing nothing with her now unless she is respectful and it’s home ed – now we’re behind with it – have to draw the line; I’ve decided no devices will stand until I see a change, it’s kind of the only thing I’ve got that she responds to, she doesnt respond to talking or reasoning. I’m in no rush to give her these back for now so will have a good think re how we can build in work / play time like you say HLJ – she will be earning them back. She’s a much nicer person to be with when she doesnt have them. It’s just she’s getting too old for this now; I leave it and leave it until I feel I’ve got no other choice, but we just go round in circles with it – so there’s no learning really, improvement only lasts a short time after she’s got the device back then it’s back to the disrespectful, rebellious attitude.

She does do some charirty work and this does help – will keep this going; trying to get her to do anything she doesnt want to do is getting harder and harder, she simply opts out. We seem to have good and ok periods followed by this rubbish and round it goes. It’s her mental health and well being – positive attitude for learning and zest for life I’m trying to help her find – but with him in her life manipulating her and everything she’s been through we’re up against it.

Thanks for the love and thoughts – needed today xx

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