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Hi, apologies for this LONG post but all of a sudden I have alot to say! First thing is that we can’t keep admonishing ourselves for what we believe we are powerless to change. Many years pass during which we live with abuse, but can’t take action to stop it. We are brain fogged, confused, beaten down, tired, controlled, manipulated, fearful, sad and lonely – often we have periods of being happy, things are OK, good even, and the sun is shining once more, we think it is not so bad and perhaps if we just keep the peace it will all be perfect again – until the next time. We may have feelings of loyalty, love and dependency that cause cognitive dissonance – we struggle to understand how the person who is supposed to love and protect us is the one that hurts and destroys us, so we deny it is happening and live with it as our ‘normal’. We feel guilty, we want a happy family and home so we mend and fix and believe that our man is essentially a good person and capable of change. We settle, we try to reason, to explain our feelings, to appeal to the love we are sure must be still there, if only we could tap into it. We lack autonomy, we don’t have our own money. We are depressed, anxious and living on medication, sleep deprived and hollowed out. We are fearful for our future and that of our children. We are ashamed and can’t relate to others. We are told, therefore we believe, that we are powerless.
How is it that we are expected to be able to think straight, form a plan and leave – just like that? Our friends and family say things like, ‘it takes two, you should take responsibility for your part’ or ‘you made it too easy for him, why did you let him walk all over you?’ ‘did you try talking to him?’, ‘you must have known it was wrong so how come you stayed all these years? ‘it obviously wasn’t all bad’, ‘he seemed OK to me, he was great with the kids’, ‘you were fine at Christmas.’ or ‘you gave as good as you got from what I hear’. So, now we are isolated and also have to be strong enough to block out the noise from the ignorant too!! Why is it OK to say to a woman who has experienced abuse that she is partly or wholly to blame, or to question her behaviour as if they are court and jury?! Not acceptable. Women of all types and socioeconomic backgrounds have experienced abuse and there is no point continuing the hate speech against ourselves, even in our private thoughts and words. ‘I hate myself for….’ (fill in the blanks) is a sentence repeated over and over on this forum. Eventually, we will get to the point where we can say,’I love myself and I forgive myself. I was sleeping through my life but now I am awake’. Often we are told by our abuser what to think, who we are, how we are, that we are bad people, we are told what to say, how to act and even making simple decisions is incredibly hard and has to be re-learned. Others (even with the best intentions) telling us what we should or shouldn’t do just adds to the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt).
According to Lundy Bancroft in ‘Why does he do that?’, abusive men believe they are ‘entitled’ to abuse us and control us. To understand this is fundamental to understanding that nothing we do, or say, will change them. But, I have been thinking about the extent to which my partner went to enforce this sense of entitlement! So much energy and effort was required to control me, over so many years! Ultimately it was doomed to failure – I cannot be controlled because I am a free human being and I woke up to that. We can change ourselves and our responses if we choose to but we can’t change the abuser. With the exception of rare cases, abusive men don’t change. Accepting this and gradually strengthening our resolve to a point where we can begin to see a way out with the support of outside professionals, such as local domestic abuse organisations, support groups, counsellor, GP, or other – is a start towards freedom. Either that, or we experience crisis, the abuse escalates and it becomes about survival, in which case we involve the police who assist us to get him out and we are then faced with the aftermath. Either way, it is very difficult to get away from these kind of manipulative and controlling men and find the power to make a change. My ex believed he was entitled to remain while he disrespected me, lived like a single man, lied, cheated, abused my money, my trust, my possessions, my goodwill and my body. He controlled me completely like a Jedi Master. He believed he was entitled to have sex whenever he wanted or needed. He controlled me through punishment, if I did or said something that challenged this sense of entitlement, there were serious repercussions or long periods of silent treatment which were the most dehumanising experiences of my life. There was a cycle of sweet and cruel, manipulation, verbal abuse, gas lighting, lies, contempt, assault, physical threats and subtle ways I didn’t even notice, hence the ‘Jedi’ mind tricks. I learned that objection was futile and led to further pain. I was a hostage in my own home. He made it clear he would never leave. Why not? When he was clearly contemptuous of me? Even behaved like he hated me. He said he would leave when HE was ready. When HE had lined up something better. Because staying like a pig in muck worked for him and he saw nothing wrong with the arrangement. The final straw? I found a bravery and calm resolve I never thought I ever had. My ex broke my soul, my heart and my mental health through his treatment of me but at least he is gone from my home and I can start to rebuild. He still feels entitled to intimidate and have me in fear via his threats, but my power is growing. I choose to refuse to get down in the muck. I have stopped reading his messages, blocked his number and someone I trust filters emails and supports me so that I don’t have direct contact. I am moving on. So remember, their sense of entitlement is not a right to keep you hostage. YOU DO HAVE POWER. Whatever your circumstances there are professionals out there to support you to move forward when you choose to do so, or when you are most in need, but the decisions are always yours to make.
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Thank you for such a great post. I absolutely believe in zero contact at all costs. It gives us back control and is the biggest insult you can give an abuser. It’s our way of saying that I know your game, I won’t play it and yourE simply not worth to be in my life. It’s a long healing process but no lesson is wasted if we learn from it and boy have I learned loads 💕
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@Wiseafter
Thank you so much for this, I was literally in tears !
The amount of times I’ve been told “just leave!” Or “just walk out” or “he seems like a lovely man, really polite and treats you like a Queen” etc etc all these comments do nothing but confuse us more, everyone’s situation is different, we are all at different points in our recovery some just starting, some have just had that realisation and are seeking advice like I did back in June and even though I still feel stuck I feel so much stronger than I did back in June!!! When someone says to me just leave it really does confuse me more it makes me feel weak like im weak for still being here and not strong like them all sorts of feelings go through my head when im told this. I think people need to be more gentle and more understanding that we are all at different points in our recovery and getting out. I -
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Thank you for the post and speaking from my heart. Can’t belive it so so real everything you said I feel. And yes he was and is entitled, I made a home and I left and he is there in my home.. I cant tell you what he claims now. But just to say yes I had to leave and I’m happy that i have levet. But I wish when I called the police they were of more help. I wished if I was stronger. But as you said I’m getting stronger the less I hear from him and I see him. But sadly I have children with him and I don’t know how to protect me and them from him in the future.:(
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Thanks all, sometimes I have so much swirling around in my head. Yesterday was a bad day. They happen sometimes. A friend shared with me that ex had posted a photo of a woman they assumed was new girlfriend. My first thought was that it was probably fake (heh heh). Regardless, it was a message I was meant to get, along with all the others that I now don’t read. Had the flying monkey not told me I would not have known. It triggered something though and I have been doing so well! Later, I collapsed in tears, grief stricken and desperately wanting him like an addict needing a fix. What the hell?! The pain was too much. But I didn’t give in, I breathed deep, I acknowledged the feeling as my therapist has taught me, and I let it pass. I then went to bed and had a vivid dream about him. In my dream, strangers were questioning me about how I knew he didn’t like the cold and yet I had not let him in the house when I knew it was cold outside and now he was ill and it was all my fault! Nobody could hear me when I shouted ‘but I didn’t know he didn’t like the cold. I didn’t know!!’ All the while he was sitting in the background, watching. It was so real that I woke up in a panic thinking he was actually beside me in the bed. I thought about how he still wants to control how I think and feel, and about that sense of entitlement I banged on about in my last post. Does anyone else have crazy ex dreams btw, or is it just me……..
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Hi Wiseafter
Well done on not giving in. It’s hard to hear about an ex moving on after any relationship break down so cut yourself some slack and feel whatever you need to feel.
I’ve had the crazy ex dreams too but not so much lately. I’ve asked friends not to share any info on him as I don’t need the setback.
And I’ve come off social media. He doesn’t need to know about me nor I him. I did do a little bit of online nosying in the beginning and it made me feel awful as I think he was trying to move on pretty quickly. God help the new woman is what I say now! A leopard doesn’t change its spots and the more he’s focused on someone else the less time he has for making my life a misery!It’s hard to think of him showering the ‘love’ onto a new GF but we know that’s not real love or feeling don’t we? He’s incapable. If we didn’t have some good times then we wouldn’t have stayed so long right? But how many good times were ruined by him because he chose to. As advised on here, I wrote a list of bad things about him when I left to refer to on the hard days but I also wrote a list of good things I missed. Now I look at the good list and actually everything on it is tainted. Good times could turn on a sixpence dependant on his mood or behaviour and living like that isn’t really a good time.
We’re well rid Wiseafter. We all have days when we question that so we understand what you’re feeling but we’re definitely well rid.
Turn the focus back on you and do something nice for yourself today 💕
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Will do, good afternoon all and thanks for your replies. It’s a lovely day out there and I’m getting out for a walk in the sunshine. HazyDayz you are not crazy and I hope you have a good day – I have read all your posts and I just hope you know how great and brave you are. Speak soon, no doubt. xx
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