All such an injustice

[gladtobefree]

Hi
I’ve posted on here a few times recently. So I’m not with my ex and haven’t been for several months and I’m so glad. What I really struggle with is how unfair it is. I have been through abusive relationship previously and got out. This is different because it’s not violence or bad temper as such it’s actually manipulative and he infact plays the victim and made me out to be the aggressor when he pushed for a reaction. My struggle is that there is so little that can be done about it. We have a young baby together and I’ve now stopped access due to him using it as another way to carry on his abusive behaviour. I feel heartbroken that I can’t protect my baby how I want to. He isn’t interested in her and on occasion will act like it face value but that’s all. Everything is ego and saving face with him and I wish so much that he would just go away. After finding out he was lying about (detail removed by moderator) I feel even more frustrated that he can mentally torture me and my other elder children like this and use the system. Surely something should be able to be done and it’s inhumane that anyone who got out of an abusive relationship should then be able to be free. I don’t feel free. I live for my children and I don’t want for anything other than their happiness and I love being on my own with just the children yet the law being as it is means If my ex does eventually make an application then my child is forced to see him. They say best interest of the child but it isn’t at all. It’s to not be sexist to Fathers etc and give them rights. Our baby doesn’t know my ex and I hate the thought of her being made to feel scared and upset if he gets access. I’m rabbling but It makes me so angry that he doesn’t care and would rather be like this and it have to be this way than just be a caring Dad and not put our baby through this. She is so happy and content as she is

[KIP.]

Make sure you have the support of women’s aid. Get them to help you protect your child the best way possible. Meantime keep a journal of just how useless he is as a father and all the times he lets you down. The courts are becoming familiar with coercive control and take a dim view of threatening and intimidating the mother of a child. That’s what your ex is doing by pretending to take you to court, so so keep all the evidence you can. If you have to show the court he’s a liar and a manipulator, he’s already given you very good ammunition. Zero contact meantime and speak to Rights for Women who offer free legal advice x

[gladtobefree]

Thank you.
I’ve tried to contact them several times but the lines are so busy and even if I leave a message I don get a call back. Police say it’s a civil matter and my solicitor says she can’t advise me but he is entitled to make an application and that just makes me feel aggitated. I know she is being neutral but it’s so hard when people constantly say “the best interest of the child” and assume that having both parents is always better. I don’t agree at all. I hate the fact that my ex and his family could in anyway emotional damage my daughter. When I split from my eldest child’s Father, he wasn’t a saint at all but he loved our son so I wouldn’t have stopped access just because he wasn’t perfect but with my ex who I have my baby with, he makes me feel on edge about him. I don’t trust anything about him at all xx

[KIP.]

Can you try your local women’s aid. They often have a drop in service. I understand your anxiety and that your gut is warning you. Don’t let him see he’s upsetting you with his threats. Google the grey rock method. When he sees he cannot torture you with his threats then hopefully he will get bored.

[Lisa]

Dear gladtobefree,

Thank you for your post, I understand what you’re saying. There is injustice and perpetrators can use the legal system to continue their abuse. However, if you gather as much information as you can, and empower yourself as to your rights, you may feel slightly more in control. There may be some legal actions you could take to help you and your child feel more protected. For example, if he has made any threats to take your child, you could consider obtaining a Prohibitive Steps Order (PSO), you can read about these on the NCDV website.

Also, the following services provide a lot of accessible legal information on their websites regarding child law and child contact;

Child Law Advice which is operated by Coram Children’s Legal Centre. They have a page dedicated to domestic abuse which discusses how the courts take a history of domestic abuse into account in family law proceedings. This page also links to the relevant Practice Direction 12J, which you might find useful to read.

The Rights of Women. I understand you have struggled to get through and they are an incredibly busy service because they offer free legal advice. However they do have many useful guides on their website, have a look at the Family Law section.

AdviceNow. This website also has several comprehensive guides to read related to child law, parental responsibility and attending court without a lawyer.

KIP also offers excellent advice about keeping a log of events and contacting your local service for support. All you can do is keep being an excellent mother to your child, and keep yourself informed. If you feel able to tell any professionals, e.g. GP, Health Visitor about the abuse, they can offer support and also be able to record the abuse in case you need to provide evidence in future.

Keep Posting,

Lisa

[diymum@1]

always just be honest about his behaviour – the courts are interested in how he behaves infront of the child (towards you) and obviously how he is with her. shes very young but you can collect lots of evidence over time. contact centre for supervised access is always good to aim for – the least contact the better x*x

[gladtobefree]

Thank you so much for your advice.
I keep researching as much as I can. I find it hard to believe that even if he gets access at a contact centre that I will still have to leave my baby with him and someone else who are strangers to her. She will drug and I hate even the thought of it. (Detail removed by moderator). It just isn’t in the best interest of the child at all and it makes me deeply sad. I have to keep strong for my children and I will do all I can to protect them xx

[diymum@1]

if hes not had access for a while the courts wont grant much time they would see that as not in her best interest – they might suggest supervised access with you there too – im not sure if you would want that? if you can prove hes abusive the court probably wont grant access maybe later on down the line build to indirect? do you have a solicitor to ask? xx i would be very surprised if they gave him unsupervised contact xx

[diymum@1]

have a look at when dad hurts mum lundy bancroft there a whole chapter on how to navigate the family court and how to prepare xx

[gladtobefree]

I have a solicitor who says very little at this moment in time. All I get is, he has a right to apply to court and they will act on the best interest of the child. My previous solicitor had the same attitude (she has now left the firm) until I asked her directly if she will be making my concerns clear in court which she said ofcourse so I’m hoping it’s just the way they are until it comes to court. They don’t seem concerned with what I say really so I guess until they actually see a court date then they don’t really think much of it.
The only contact he has had has been when I’ve put it forward to him that if he is going to court then surely he would want to see her so she knows who he is but that’s had to stop now as he uses it to subtly push boundaries and sometimes he doesn’t turn up or wants to change the time around his social activities. If I could gauge what his plans were then if never have even suggested he have contact but I panicked so much I didn’t know what to do and didn’t want to look like I was alienating him to be bitter xx

[diymum@1]

i think youll find that if contact is ever instated formally he will ruin it by not showing up and being late also using contact to manipulate id document all the times you can remember and back date it. what ive read is (in the same book) and i didnt know this lots of lawyers take the same attitude they say they know the dynamics of domestic abuse but they dont. lundy bancrift says unless you get a good well established lawyer that knows the dynamics some times its best to represent yourself. when i read it i have to say id much rather have a lawyer there but hes so right you need a good one to get the points u want to make over to get the outcome you need xx

[diymum@1]

id be thorough in knowing what her plan is because courts see abuse towards you as not being relevant to the child. i think this approach is so wrong – focus on your childs rights (the european rights convention are online) the right to have an abuse free life is one. if you know your rights you stand a better chance, get your gps backing too thats classed as an expert witness xx so no alienation that way its a professional opinion xx child protection

[KIP.]

Contact your local women’s aid. You need support with this. I would have thought your solicitor would be telling you to keep a detailed journal of his behaviour and keeping notes of dates, times and witnesses of these incidents. Of any emails, texts or other correspondence that may help,your case in future. Your local women’s aid may be able to recommend a solicitor with experience of domestic abuse. If you’re not happy with your solicitor then changer her. Go and speak to a few others, most offer free initial advice. Or put the points raised on here to your own solicitor and ask why she’s not recommending these things?

[Author]

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