Always doubting

[Bubblegum.]

I am new to the forum. I’ve been debating on whether to register or not but after reading so many people’s experiences I thought it would help.

This is the furthest I have come to ending this relationship, I didn’t think I would have the strength to do this or tell people around me, but I did. Has anyone else experienced building all that courage up to tell people close to you, and for them to still say it’s up to you if you want to leave maybe you can still work things out maybe he will change and think oh, maybe what I’ve been feeling is not as bad I think? I feel like I have to justify as to why I’m leaving, it just doesn’t feel right! Can someone like this change? It’s been years now and yes I have seen growth but he still has form and I have got to the point where it’s like do I not want more from life, is this it? Always guiding someone, telling them how they should treat you – just so sick of it! I just don’t know whether I’m making the right decision basically, I don’t know if I should give it another few years even though I don’t think I want to – I am really confused!

I found comfort in reading people’s messages and didn’t feel so alone in the way I’ve been thinking x

[Anonymous]

It sounds like Your unhappy, you can see what he’s like and we’ve all wondered at one time or another was it that bad. Its quite possible it is. You’re here and that says a lot. If he hasn’t changed he’s not going to change. There will always be guilt but you have to think of you and your happiness and please don’t wait years to get out. The only person you have to justify anything to is yourself.

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome, I’d really recommend you contact your local women’s aid. They will give you all the validation you need that you’re in an abusive relationship. You’re unhappy and it’s your life and it’s your choice but abusers never change and it sounds like you’ve already spent a long time trying to make it work but it simply won’t work because he will change the goal posts. It’s difficult for someone to tell you to leave a relationship when they don’t know all the details. At the end of the day no one can tell you what to do. You need to make that leap. Abuse leave us feeling confused and crazy. Other relationships end and we move on but abusive relationship steal our confidence and self esteem leaving us confused and worried over the future. Talk it through with the national domestic abuse helpline. Well done for taking this first step. Leaving comes after many little steps as we find our way to freedom. Take a look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Or Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft x google the power and control wheel. The cycle of abuse. Gaslighting. See if you recognise anything

[Bubblegum.]

Thank you for your kind words. It’s just when people around you are saying if you think it can work out then you need to decide. I always thought oh when I do tell people they will say leave straight away no ifs or buts, but I think I was taken back when their response was, yes you should leave but at the end of the day it’s your decision. I think that’s when I started to doubt myself, as in have I not given this my all and tried to stay?

I also think what if I regret my decision years down the line, so much doubt going on yet when I was ready to tell people there was no doubt??

[Anonymous]

Its always a risk and no one is going to want to be the one to tell you to leave in case you do regret it. It has to be 100% your decision for you. From what you’ve wrote I feel like you know what you want.
Its a big scary step and its normal to have doubts.

[Bubblegum.]

That is very true. Do you mind me asking if you have left? Sorry you don’t need to say if you don’t want to.
X

[Anonymous]

He left but yes I’m supposedly free x

[Lisa]

Hi Bubblegum.

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum! I hope you find the forum a supportive place to be. You’ll find guidance in the Forum Guidelines and FAQ’s.

I am sorry to hear about your situation, I can see you have had some really supportive replies. It’s disappointing to get that response from people around you, try to remember that you deserve to be happy and you’re not at the moment. You are making the right decision, you shouldn’t have to be telling him how you should be treated.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends). They won’t tell you what to
do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Empoweredhealing]

Your friends and family may not be able to help you see the abuse clearly. It’s not their fault. Unless they have experienced abuse like this, they can’t imagine the confusion and pain of this kind of relationship. Also, leaving an abusive relationship is very different than a normal one.
Talking with people who understand abuse will help you clear away the self doubt. Books and YouTube videos are a good start. Your local WA, a therapist and in general anyone with expertise in abuse is very helpful too.

[Author]

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