This topic contains 9 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Lisa 1 week, 5 days ago.

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  • #72136
     Numpty 
    Participant

    I’m struggling to keep it together right now. I’m tired of being scared, but I just seem to get everything wrong.
    I wanted him to stop trying to get in touch and now he’s said that he isn’t going to talk to me any more because I’m just useless and know nothing.
    I want to be the best that I can for my lo, but I know I’m useless at housework and I can’t do anything to protect her from her father as I can’t prove that he is dangerous.

  • #72137
     KIP. 
    Participant

    You need outside help. It’s almost impossible to leave without that and it’s often dangerous without a safe plan. Contact your local women’s aid. Remember you have the power to choose who is allowed in your life. If you do not want contact then tell him and if contact persists then it’s time to involve the police. I know it’s scary, but these men often don’t care about our feelings but when the authorities are involved and they are held accountable they see a different side. Who says you’re useless at housework? And who cares? We can’t be good at everything and housework isn’t something to strive to be good at in my opinion. I used to clean and clean sometimes all day. It was because he would abuse me in a dreadful way over the state of the house. There was nothing wrong with the state of the house but in my head if I cleaned and cleaned I would avoid an abusive outburst. But he simply changed the goal posts or made up something. Accusing me of polishing the couch with my arse all day. He was just a nasty abuser. Reach out for help. Local women’s aid. Local domestic abuse police. GP. Abuse thrives on secrecy x you sound like a great mum, just keep reaching out for help. It’s very difficult dealing with this when you’re in a state of trauma. Our rational brain shuts down so you need to rely on outside help to free you x

  • #72139
     Landy 
    Participant

    He makes you feel like you do everything wrong to control you. My ex was the same. I was lazy, stupid, etc but I was the one working full time in a highly paid job and doing all the jobs at home while he sat on his butt at home all day. He just wanted to bring me down all the time which is what’s happening to you. I actually think anyone who can live in an abusive relationship and survive at all is amazing. We’re so strong and resourceful. We just don’t know it x

  • #72143
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    hes undermining your confidence to keep you where you are and hes draining your self worth. when someone constantly tells you something you start to believe it, its like conditioning, its human and totally normal to feel like this. its not your fault this lies 100% with his own issues. he will probably be very insecure deep down and his put downs are to make him feel better about himself. what a way to think? these men are actually rediculous in their thinking. Keep reminding yourself of whats rea;, what are your qualities. I can name one you strong enough to reach out on here. i bet you have lots of qualities. ask womens aid for help and start reading about the dynamics of abuse lundy bancroft wrote why does he do that its a pdf on google xx hope this helps understanding things makes us see things for what they are xx youll get there i promise xx luv diy mum x

  • #72144
     Numpty 
    Participant

    Thank you both. I reached out for help but at the last moment everyone turned their backs on me, so I gave up.

  • #72146
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    dont give up , keep going. If you need to take a breather then take a break from it. THe main thing is to block him. Take back control and when your ready and with help make a list of who you need to contact and what you need to do next. were a good start – here to help anytime xx luv diy x

  • #72147
     Numpty 
    Participant

    Thank you

  • #72155
     Landy 
    Participant

    “Everyone” turned their backs on you? Who is “everyone”? I don’t understand?

  • #72157
     Numpty 
    Participant

    My refuges, my uni, the support service when I was working out how to get out. When I asked them to stand by me in court they all said no. Only womens aid offered but my lawyer didn’t respond to them. Knowing I was by myself destroyed me. I have always been alone, but the one time I thought I wasn’t it was a shock to realise I was.

  • #72164
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Numpty,

    I’m sorry to read how you’re feeling at the moment and that you have felt let down and alone.
    I just want to add my encouragement that there is good support out there, and I really hope you feel able to reach out for it again. You mentioned in a previous post that you want to try counselling; perhaps now is the time to seek that out? There’s no denying that the process can be painful and tiring, but the majority of survivors find it helpful to recovery in the long-run. Particularly if you can find the right counsellor for you, who has a strong understanding of domestic abuse and trauma.

    You are not a bad person, it sounds like you have understandably had your self-esteem knocked by what you’ve been through, and you need a bit of help to build it back up.

    Your local service should be able to advise you about appropriate counsellors in your area, or alternatively ring the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247 and they can signpost you to some organisations that are relevant to you.

    Keep posting, there’s always support for you here.

    Lisa

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